Forgive and Forget

Yesterday was a rough morning in the Paap house.  I wish it wasn't so, but when Mommy's having a rough morning EVERYONE is having a rough morning.  It wasn't supposed to be bad.  I got up early enough to enjoy a cup of coffee outside and had a good 45 minutes to myself which was glorious.  When I came back in to get the girls ready I realized that I was cutting it a bit short on time.  Anyone every try to rush a 2 and 4 year old?  It was going well until I tried to get Haylee to take her allergy medicine.  She just wasn't in the mood.  Frankly, since I had 90 seconds to get to work on time neither was I.  If I wouldn't have pushed her and given her a minute to collect herself I'm certain she would have taken it fine.  She didn't like being pushed.  Seeing that I was in a rush I resorted to raising my voice at her.  It worked.  She took her medicine....but then medicine wasn't all that was taken...so was every hint of the joy of the morning. 

By the time I got to work I felt horrible.  Haylee was going to start her day of preschool with Mommy yelling at her for something that was Mommy's fault.  I got her out of the carseat and I got down face to face with her and I told her how sorry I was for yelling at her.  I told her that Mommy was wrong and I asked her to forgive me.  My precious little girl forgave me and then asked me to forgive her for not taking her medicine when I asked her to.  We hugged each other and the day was on an upswing.

We got home in the afternoon and I wanted to her take a rest.  Haylee asked me to snuggle with her so I laid down beside her.  Looking into her little innocent face I again thought about the morning and how awful I was to her.  I apologized to her again for yelling at her.  Immediately I realized she had long forgotten it, but she did say "Mommy, I still forgive you for that."  To her it was over and done with.  Her face told me that she was a bit perplexed that I would bring up something that was gone from her memory bank. 

I got the message.  It was a beautiful one, and one that I've gotten before.  We serve a God that is the master and forgiving and forgetting.  He tells us that once forgiven our sins are as far as the east is from the west.  My little 4 year old can forgive and forget, why is is that we get a little older and it seems like we lose the ability to do that.  I also find it strange that I personally seem to be able to forgive other people long before I'm able to forgive myself.  I can't tell you how many times I've asked God to forgive me for the same mistakes.  I'm sure He's up there thinking the same thing Haylee was..."Um...Janiece...Still forgave you for that...let it go, I have." 

The lessons we learn from the little souls.  I love that God uses even our little children to teach us.  I know that I have so much to learn from the gift of my daughters.   Certainly it is our job to teach them, but how lovely it is that they teach us right back....if we are paying attention. 

Simplicity

My last post wasn't the most uplifiting.  I realize this.  I have spoken to enough mothers out there to know that we all have times where we are just plain overwhelmed and there's just no masking that.  Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a HORRIBLE masker anyway.  If I feel it you know it. 

It's been a strange weekend.  I've been exhausted, a little down, and just short with the girls and really anyone else within a 3 foot radius.  I look around at my little house that I love and I'm seeing that lately I'm not enjoying the charm it it all...I'm seeing the list of things that need to be done and frankly I'm stuck wondering where to begin.  Remember the story in the Bible where Mary and Martha are visited by Jesus and Mary is at His feet listening to his words and Martha was busy working away in the kitchen preparing a meal for everyone and got pretty annoyed that Mary was just sitting there and not helping her?  Jesus said "Martha, Martha, you are worried about many things..."  Sometimes I ever so softly hear the echos of "Janiece, Janiece, you are worried about many things!"  Now, before anyone thinks for a second that I'm comparing myself to kitchen Martha....hold your laughter.  I'd be at Jesus' feet listening to a good story before I'd step foot in a kitchen hands down!  I'm not a meticulous housekeeper by any stretch of the imagination, but when I have a lot on my mind I just can't handle clutter or things being undone.  I just want things to be simple.  Simplicity calms me...always has.  Here's something I wrote back in 2002.  I came across it while unpacking boxes and I don't think it's a mistake that I found this.

Simplicity

Simplicity

Has eluded me

I've searched so long

Where could it be?

The craziness

It has no end

Destruction in it's path

Who can mend?

I will find simplicity

I'll search high and low

And land and sea.

Once it's mine

I'll hold on tight

My life will no longer

Be a fright.

Yes, this is my mission

It is driving me

It will be mine

Simplicity.

I'll wake early

No time to lose

I can't relax

For an extra snooze.

I'll not stop

Throughout the day

There were roses

In that field you say?

I'll be focused

I'll be strong

I've no time to hear

My favorite song.

Of course I still call you friend

You're in my heart

that has no end.

But I can't talk

Can't you see?

I must find Simplicity!

The sun is setting

But I can't stop to see

What's needed here

Is consistancy.

The moon is full

But I am drained

This journey is long

My body's strained.

It's been days

Since I've had rest

How can this possibly

Be what is best?

In desperation

I'll soon wake

How much searching

Can I take?

Perhaps I'll stop

And rest a while

It's peaceful here

I won't fight the smile.

What was that?

Was that a bird?

That's the most beautiful sound

I've ever heard!

I close my eyes

What do I see?

By my side

All along

Was Simplicity.

1/17/02

JEM

I guess this just reminds me that we are always surrounded by the simple things that give us joy.  It's just a matter of stopping long enough to enjoy them.  It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day things that capture so much of our energy.  It takes effort to simplify....but I don't know one person that has ever regreted it.  I think I just might give it another shot.  Care to join me?

My Turn

I've got to say it's been a rough week.  Somehow both of my little ones got a staph infection and developed painful sores.  Haylee handled it really well as did Kerrington for the most part, but Kerrington would wake up after the motrin wore off in the middle of the night and be in pain and then it was hard for her to get back to sleep....therefore hard for mommy to get back to sleep.  This infection kept us from doing our usual weekly activities and kept us housebound which was hard on us all.  Tempers are short all around and we are all just ready to get back to normal days.  Yesterday Kerrington was having a fit about who knows what and came to me and said "my turn Mama!!!"  I told her "you know what Kerrington...It's mommy,s turn!!"  It truly is my turn.  Mommy needs a timeout.  The thing is that Mommy doesn't always get a turn.  I'm a little pouty about that today.  I'm impatient today.  Today I want to actually feel like I've accomplished something, but when little ones are off the accomplishment is keeping them content and comfortable.  The results aren't as visible as one would hope.  Today I'm struggling with the laundry STILL not being done, the kitchen needing to be cleaned yet again, the toys being all over the place and the list goes on and on.  I know I'm certainly not alone in this.  This is just a day in the life of any mother or father trying to keep up with a house that has littles in it.  It's getting the best of me today.

Where does this take me?  Haha, absolutely nowhere.  Soon after I write this I'll shake my head and get it together, maybe grab another cup of coffee and make another solid attempt at the list of to do's.  It would be nice if there was a clear message in everything, but today I'm just being.  Sometimes you have to JUST BE so that you CAN BE. 

I'm incredibly thankful for a husband that understands that I need a turn and does all he can to give me time to myself to regroup, relax and just be. 

Wounds....oh, and preschool

Today was Haylee's first day of preschool.  I sent a picture of her on her way out the door to Brian and he asked me if I was sad.  I told him that it's hard to be sad when she is so excited and so happy about something new.  I won't be surprised if it hits me...but to be honest, things have been hitting me since she was born.  It hit me when she moved up to a bigger size, it hit me when she smiled the first time, it hit me when she sat up, it hit me when she giggled, it hit me when she started to crawl, then walk, then talk....you get my point.  I think I've done as good a job as I could have at savoring the moments as they were and are happening.  It's going by faster than I wish it was....but I'm not missing the moments and I have no regrets. 

I had to say a few words about preschool....Brian thought my blog would be all about preschool today, however, it's not what is swirling around my little brain this morning.  A few days ago both of the girls started to get these little sores.  I thought they were mosquito bites that they were picking at.  Both of the girls find open wounds more entertaining than a trip to Toys R US.  (That must come from Brian)  These sores weren't getting better, but they were getting bigger.  By Monday both girls had sores big enough that I knew a trip to Urgent Care was in our near future.  Somehow they got a staph infection and they were put on antibiotics.  Kerrington has a good size sore right on her tummy and I've been keeping in covered because she picks at it.  Last night in the middle of the night she meanders up to our bed and she is soon screaming in pain.  She scratched off her bandage and had obviously been itching it and made it much worse.  I gave her some advil and a big bandage to cover it and pleaded with her (as much as one can plead with a 2 year old at 5 am) to leave it alone.  She finally fell back to sleep and I sat there staring at my beautiful little one who doesn't see what I see.  All she knows is that her boo boo itches as it's healing and if she itches it it feels better for a second.  As her mommy I know that itching it is going to tear it open and the healing has to start all over and she's going to be in even more pain.  What is more heartwrenching for a parent than seeing your child hurt? 

Here's where this takes me.

Where I'm going is obvious I'm sure.  We are God's children and he loves us more dearly than we can ever imagine.  I'm sure it grieves him greatly when we pick at our wounds prohibiting our healing.  Don't we do it all the time just like my girls?  We make mistakes in our marriages that cause great wounds and then instead of working toward healing it starts to itch and we dig again because it offers some temporary relief.  Oh, it's not just our marriages.  Personally I do it with food too!  Nothing spells relief like a pint of Ben & Jerry's.....but the satisfaction certainly doesn't translate on the scale the next morning.  That may seem like a trivial example, but it's what came to mind.  It's just that we all tend to get in the way of our own healing sometimes and just like I shake my head at my little ones I'm sure God sometimes shakes he head at us.  He wants to see us whole for a host of reasons.  It brings Him glory, it brings us happiness, it makes our lives full, it enables us to be useful to others and it enables us to make the most of the life we've been given. 

It doesn't matter how old we are, to God we are still His children and he cherishes us at 40 or 60 or 20 the same way we cherish our little newborns.  He never stops looking at us with that fresh love and never stops wanting all the best things for us.  Now, if we could just stay out of our own way and let the healing begin.

Screens

The other day I was sorting through boxes in our garage and I happened to look up at the window and couldn't help but notice all the dirt and bugs on the window sill.  There was a ton of dirt and quite an assortment of bugs that lets just say were not a threat to anyone any longer.   I imagine the bugs were trying to fly out the window but obviously couldn't get past the screen. 

A window sill full of bugs.  Could this possibly take my mind somewhere?  Yup.  Believe it or not it could.  Here's where it takes me.

I chuckled to myself as I pictured a nice big screen over my mouth.  It wouldn't be the most attractive accessory...but my husband might appreciate it!  I've never really been one to get angry and say a bunch of things that I wished I could take back.  Does that mean that I don't have regrets about the things that fly out of my mouth?  Hardly.  It's almost worse because I think about it and decide that it still should be said!!!  I can't even use the excuse that something was said in the heat of the moment.  No....for some bizarre reason I am sometimes under the illusion that I have a right to say what I'm saying because my opinion matters more than someone's feelings.   Those words hurt to even type.  The Bible says that the tongue is a force to be reckoned with and even asks "who can tame it?"  It's not easy, but we CAN learn to control what flies out of our lips.   There are times when we are oversensitive and take more of an offense than we need to...and there are times when words are spoken that are simply hurtful and they cut like a sharp little paring knife.  There is incredible power in our words and we can use them build others up or tear them down and suprisingly the effort required is the same.   There is no screen for our words, but we can pray for wisdom and discernment regarding the things we say and even in the way we interpret what others say.   Lets keep the nasty bugs on the other side of the screen.

Beauty in waiting

We are home from our little vacation at the beach.  It really was a good time and extra special to watch the girls have so much fun by the ocean.  Watching them as they experience something completely new was so enjoyable.  After we got home we unloaded the van and I started cleaning the trash out and on the way back from a trip to the house I saw the most beautiful butterfly fluttering around the van.  I stopped in my tracks.  I have seen this butterfly or ones like it a few times since moving here.  It is mostly black with beautiful shades of dark blue on the inside lower part of the wings, and on the outside it is black with some blue and dark orange spots.  Really beautiful.  I've tried to get a close look at him before, but I got too close too fast and it flew away.  So, having learned from the last time, I was still.  I watched him as he showed off his beauty before my eyes.  I think he much have felt his admiring audience of one.  He was flying very close to me and landed on the van.  I slowly put out my hand next to where he landed and after a few minutes he put out his feelers and before you knew it he was in the palm of my hand.  I smiled (albeit carefully...didn't want to spook him with too much of a smile) as I looked at the amazing creature that was allowing me to experience all the beauty he had to offer.

There are so many times that I've rushed into things and missed the beauty that was right there for me had I been a little more patient.  My head could just explode with examples.  I'm sure we've all missed things in the rush...lets be honest, don't we do it every day?  Some of the most precious moments of my day are when I'm putting my little ones to bed.  Reading books to Haylee and listening to her end of the day ramblings are sometimes hilarious, sometimes ridiculous and sometimes so touching that it brings tears to my eyes.  Knowing this you'd think I'd be chomping at the bit to cherish those times, right?  Sometimes yes...and sometimes to be honest it's yet another thing that is still on my list of things to do at the end of the day. 

You know what the really awesome thing is?  There is always, without fail, more things to cherish and admire.  If we miss one thing we can be more cognizant and certainly try our best not to miss the next one.  I don't think I know one person who enjoys waiting.  It's not fun.  We anticipate something and we want it.  Straight up.  I'm not known for my patience, that's for sure.   I am learning though, maybe not as quickly as some, but I'm learning that there is beauty and even joy in waiting. 

The Beach

I am at the beach.  It's a wonderful place to be.  It's a quiet beach...not crowded...everyone is friendly...water is warm...sand is soft...it's lovely.  It is no secret that if one is going to spend time by the water that sunscreen is an absolute must. Am I right?  Is this not the first thing you learn at going to the beach 101?  I know this. I covered my girls before they headed out to the beach very carefully.  I also sprayed myself down thoroughly as well before heading out...or so I thought.  Off I went to enjoy the wind and the waves.  I played frisbee with the guys...watched my girls have a blast chasing the birds and burying themselves in the sand.  I could feel that the sun was hot even thought there was a wonderful breeze that masked it well.  Haylee and I decided to go for a walk and while walking we met some little girls just her age and they started playing together and had a grand time.  I talked to the mother as our children played and this went on and on and on.  I didn't realize that I was standing directly in the sun the entire time.  When I got back to the house I realized that I was in trouble.  I was cooking myself and didn't even realize it.  The gentle breeze and my feet in the water totally masked the damage that was being done to the rest of me.  Needless to say it was a rough night.  My legs got the worst of it and it hurt to touch the sheet trying to sleep.  I was in pain, but in addition to that I was pretty mad at myself for letting myself get in that condition in the first place because I knew better and I thought I had taken the necessary precautions. 

Here is where this takes me.

The sun is not a bad thing.  It can be a bad thing if we don't respect it as we should, but it's not the sun's fault that I got burned.  It makes me think of being in the world.  If you think about the life of Jesus....He spent plenty of time under the umbrella of safety in prayer with the Father.  We are safe from the sun if we sit under an umbrella in the shade too.  However...Jesus didn't spend his time in ministry under an umbrella at all.  He was in the direct sunlight.  Jesus spend most of his time surrounded by sinners and the undesirables.  How did he not get burned?  Well, he spent time in prayer, which was probably his sunscreen...and I'm certain he reapplied as often as needed.  We are told that he was tempted in every way yet was without sin.  Amazing to think about isn't it?  When I think  back about the times I failed I get frustrated because looking back the remedy was so very simple!  Why didn't I just reapply the sunscreen of prayer?  Why didn't I take shelter under the umbrella of other believers?  It says in the Bible that in every temptation we are faced with God gives us a way out, there is always an escape.  Why don't we take it?  Well, sometimes it's much like the gentle breeze the kept me from feeling the pain of the damage that was being done.  The situations that we find ourselves in start in such a subtle way that we don't even know it until it is too late.  Sometimes we think that we are tough enough that we don't even need sunscreen...we can handle it.  Yup.  I've been guilty of that too. 

Oh, the lessons that we learn along the way.  The pain that we endure when we really didn't need to.  I have to say that the more I learn of this life and the more I learn of myself, the more I realize that there is way more that I can't handle than I can.  I'm OK with that, because the God I serve can handle it all.  My prayer for myself is that I remember that so I don't get burned again.