Christmas Memory

There are so many things to love about Christmas.  Snow, Christmas lights, anticipation of gifts, and of course there is the main reason we remember Christmas...the birth of our Savior.  I'm not going to go on about the obvious appeal of this day.  I wanted to share something.


In 1996, I was living in Maryland and went home to New York for Christmas to celebrate with my family as always.  It was a great time with the family and although I don't have many clear memories about the day there are a few things that I recall with vivid clarity.   Christmas Eve that year I went with my mom and dad to the Salmon Run Mall to get a few last minute things.  I don't remember what we bought, but I remember walking through the mall next to my dad when he suddenly grabbed my hand and held it as we walked from store to store.  I don't remember the temperature that day, but being that it was December in NY I'm sure it was cold....but my heart was filled with such warmth with that loving gesture from my dad.  Thankfully I wasn't embarrassed that my dad wanted to hold my hand....I embraced it.  


This moment was especially memorable because that Christmas was the last time I saw my father.  How precious it is that holding his hand is one of the last memories I have of that wonderful guy!   


I wrote this poem sometime after my father passed away.


                "THE GOODBYE"


The holiday had ended
The festivities were through
You stood at the door, just as before
As I waved goodbye to you.
The goodbye was not forever
The road home was never long,
Soon again I'd be on my way
To the place I'd always belong.


The goodbye was not forever
But it was goodbye from this place
For the Lord had called you home
To see Him face to face.
Words can't say how much I miss you,
But how could I wish you back with me
You're in the arms of our Savior
Where we all so long to be.


For you the festivities have begun
You're no longer standing at the door
Your journey home was not so long
Now you're with your Savior evermore.
Our goodbye was not forever
Together again we will be
In the place where someday I'll belong
Where you'll wave hello to me.


JEM

Depression 202- A few more thoughts

A few days ago I wrote a post about depression and how I was dealing with a bout of it.  I have to be honest and say that I really did not intend to write about something so personal on such a public forum.  I sat down to write because it had been a while and I almost instantly felt like God was whispering in my ear that I needed to share my struggle.  I said OK and began to write.  I was a little uneasy with it for a nanosecond, but as I started to write I knew that I was doing what God was asking me to do and any reservations I had were swept away.  


I was overwhelmed by the responses that I got from the post.  I certainly do not say that to be boastful in anyway whatsoever, it is simply confirmation that God had a purpose for me sharing my pain.  So many people struggle with depression and the sad thing is that even with all the progress we've made in regards to depression we still tend to feel shameful if we do struggle with it and for some reason we often quickly equate it with failure.  


My first experience with depression was back in 1997.  I was 27 years old and I had a very close relationship with my father.  He went into the hospital for knee replacement surgery and soon after the procedure had a blood clot go to his brain and he passed away 2 days later.  My world was never the same.  I seemed to keep it together for about 6 months and then it was like the rug of life was ripped out from underneath me and I sank deeper and deeper into a pit of despair.  I was young and was sure I would snap out of it at any time, so I didn't seek any help.   Nothing seemed to bring joy, I was void of emotion.  I could sleep for 24 hours straight and often did.  I then became more and more anxious and was unable to go into public places without having panic attacks.  I couldn't be in the middle of a room because people surrounding me terrified me.   I went to the grocery store at 1 am to avoid people and going to church wasn't even an option.  Thankfully I had a friend who also suffered from depression and he finally convinced me that I needed help.  I went to the doctor and was put on an anti-depressant and began seeing a counselor.  I wasn't better instantly, but after a while I was able to smile.  I found joy.  I found life. I was finally able to go about life as I was before.  Things were different, but I was able to engage in each day as God intends us to.  Thankfully after about a year I was able to say good-bye to the medication.


I give that history for this reason.  A few years after all of that I was attending a church and started a class called "self-confrontation".  I didn't get very far in the class.  The very first night the instructor went on a tangent about depression and was declaring that depression was nothing but a lack of faith in God and that medications taken for depression were completely uncalled for and unnecessary.  Needless to say I didn't go back to the class.  I was sad for the ignorance of the instructor and very thankful that I was secure enough in my faith to know that what he was saying was a crock of nonsense.  Are depression medications misused and over-prescribed?   I'm sure they are.  Do some people use the medications as a band-aid and refuse to get any other help?  I'm sure there are.  I have to say, however, that I am extremely thankful for medication that helped me get through a very difficult time.  I also know for a fact that there are people with chemical imbalances that are absolutely helped by medications.


Having suffered through depression, my heart bleeds for others in the struggle.  As I type this my eyes are tearing up just thinking about the incredible women who responded to my previous post that are struggling right now and are probably longing for comfort and maybe don't have the strength to ask, or perhaps they just don't know how to ask for what they need or don't even know what they need.   Sounds crazy doesn't it?  Welcome to the world of depression.  


You know....depression certainly is not new.  Ever read through the book of Psalms?  Here are just a few people in the Bible that suffered through times of depression:  Abraham (Genesis 15), Jonah, (Jonah 4), Job (entire book of Job), Elijah (1 Kings 19), Jeremiah (entire book of Jeremiah), and perhaps the most well known, David (numerous Psalms) .  If you read the circumstances surrounding these characters you'll see that in some cases you can understand the resulting depression, other times it is a mystery.  Proverbs 18:14 asks "who can bear a broken spirit?  I'll tell you that we can't.  We aren't meant to.  Ever wonder why there are so many names given to our great Savior?  He is called the Good Shepherd because he cares for us and watches over us and does not slumber.  He is called the Great Physician because He can heal us when we are broken, and that includes a broken spirit.  He is called the Prince of Peace because there are times when that is what we need the most.  Peace.  


My friends.  We will get through these times.  Pray for me and I will pray for you.  Let each of remember that we are held and He will never let go.  

Depression 101

I am in no way, shape or form a medical expert on anything, however, having been through a bought or two of depression I feel I can lend of few words of comfort to my fellow friends who struggle with it, and perhaps a word or two of wisdom to those who stand by loved ones who are struggling.  Those of you who have been reading my blog have probably noticed that I haven't written anything in a while.  Big surprise, I've been struggling with a bit of depression.  It's not fun.  On top of feeling like I'm living life underwater gasping for a breath just to be sucked down by another wave, there is the overwhelming feeling of guilt for all that I'm not being to the ones I love.  By the end of the week I'm so completely exhausted from faking it I just want to sleep for 3 days straight, and believe me, I could.  Everyone deals with the struggle differently, for me there is nothing more blessed than sleep because the pain is gone and the brain turns off.  There is peace.  


I would like to consider myself a somewhat intelligent woman.  That being the case (at least I  hope), being depressed is especially frustrating.  It doesn't make sense, it really doesn't.  I have a body that is healthy, it's not perfect, but it's healthy, I have a husband that loves me and works very hard to provide for our family, I have two beautiful healthy little girls, a stepson that I genuinely adore,  I have a house that I love and am surrounded by good friends and a loving family.  WHY in the world would I be depressed?   Trust me, I want to punch myself in the face just thinking about it!  I hate that I don't have the energy to care for my house the way I should, that I want to cry at the smallest incident, that I'm not being the interactive mommy that I should and that I'm not being the wife that I should be to my husband.  It's incredibly frustrating that I am even unable to reach out to God as I should for the help that He longs to give me.  I feel as if I'm frozen.    All I can say to God is that I'm stuck.  Thankfully He already knows that.  I feel like I'm in a pit...and although I feel alone, I know that I am most certainly not alone.  I know that I'm being held.  He is not going to shake me telling me to snap out of it...He's going to hold me and love me until I'm ready to stand and then He's going to take me by the hand and help me up and walk me to where I need to be.  He will refresh me.  


Until that time...here are some things NEVER to say to someone in a struggle with depression.  Think these things all you want, but please never let the words pass through your lips.
1.  You need to pray harder.
2.  Snap out of it.
3.  Just get over it.
4.  What do you have to be depressed about?
5.  That's nothing to be depressed about.
Sadly...I have been told or asked all of these things, and I imagine other that have struggled have heard the same things or similar things.  I know how frustrating it is to deal with someone in depression, but words really aren't going to help someone up.  Actions might.  There are no magic words that will heal someone in the struggle.  It's so tempting to try words though, isn't it?  Please just bear with us and know that the fight is on.


So...on a side note.  In addition to neglecting my family, I have lately neglected my little birds outside too.  I ran out of seeds and just haven't refilled their feeders.  It has been at least a week since I fed them and as I was refilling the feeders today there was not a bird in sight.  I was sad and wondered how long it would take for them to come back.   Thankfully, I didn't have to wait long.  Before long I heard some really loud calls that I swear sounded a lot like "come and get it" in bird talk.  I now sit here watching my brood of chirpities.  They are not angry with me, they are just glad that I'm back.


I can only hope my friends have the same response.  I haven't been a very good friend.  I haven't been filling up my friend-feeders either with loving calls and texts and visits.  I pray that they understand and are just happy to see me when I'm ready to resurface.  

Thanksgiving, Dad and "UP"

Yes I do know how ridiculous my title is.  I couldn't think of anything that really summed up the things flying through my head, so I just listed the top three things.  I'm going to really mess you up and start with the last thing, "UP".  Ever watch the Disney cartoon by the name?  I have, sort of.  I can't get through the movie.  The first time I started to watch it I cried my eyes off because the old man looks so much like my dad, ha, especially the bushy eyebrows!  I honestly couldn't concentrate on the movie because I was so distracted by Mr. Frederickson.  The movie happened to be on TV this evening and I walked into the room to hear Mr. Frederickson called by his first name, which is Carl.  Carl was my dad's name.  I watched the movie for a few minutes only to have tears falling down my cheeks yet again.  Not to spoil the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it....but Mr. Frederickson looses his wife who early in the movie we discover has been his soul mate since he was a young boy.  After his wife dies he turns into a cranky old fellow.  (This is not the part that reminds me of my dad...my dad was a jolly soul, who of course had his moments of the crankies)  Anyway, Mr. Frederickson finds an old photo album that his wife had put together that told their life story in pictures.  At the end of the book she wrote him a note that said "Thanks for the adventure, now go find your own".  He begins to live again.  I might be able to tell you more about the movie if I was able to get through it.  Maybe another day.


My dad's adventure was cut short here on earth.  He was 70 years old when he had a knee replacement operation.  Soon after the operation was finished he had a blood clot go to his brain and he passed away 2 days later.  He was so excited about the operation because he was ready for some pain-free adventures.  He was looking forward to enjoying his later years with his children and grand-children.  Now he's enjoying eternity with his Savior.  


I have had my dad on my mind quite a bit lately.  Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday.  He loved everything about it.  He would start the day early by making breakfast, so I would wake up to the smell of bacon cooking.  I'd come downstairs to bacon, sausage, toast and burnt eggs.  (he just didn't know how to turn the burner down)  He would help my mother get the turkey all ready and they would work together getting all the other stuff going.  The parade was always on and I can't even tell you why because I don't think either of us ever had much of an interest in it.  We watched it none the less.  It's what you do on Thanksgiving morning!  Soon the family would start to shuffle in.  My brother and sister, nieces and nephews would fill the house.  My dad loved having the house filled with family.  We would snack on cheese and crackers, pickles, veggies and dip as if 23 pounds of food was not going to cover the table in an hour.  Dad would pray and give his heartfelt thanks for all our family had, and then we would eat, and eat, and eat.  After we ate we would  waddle to the family room and watch "the Sound of Music", which was a family favorite.  My brother Dan and my dad would be sleeping approximately 3.5 minutes into the movie and wake up just in time for pumpkin pie and ice cream.  Sometimes after that we'd get a good game of canasta going and that would bring the day to a close.


I just wrote an entire paragraph describing things that are probably about as exciting as getting your teeth cleaned.  What I wouldn't give for another Thanksgiving like that.  I think I'd give up my left pinky for a breakfast of burnt eggs with my dad.  I look at my two little girls who will never know a Thanksgiving like that with their grandpa, but I have to smile as I think of all my nieces and nephews that are fortunate enough to remember such Thanksgivings.  I have seen a quote going around on Facebook that says something like "remember the little things because in time you realize that they are really the big things."  I don't think I said that exactly right, but you get the idea.  It's so true.  Time is so precious, and time with people you love is even more precious.  


This is Thanksgiving week and a week that makes me miss my dad as if it was yesterday that he was gone.  I loved him so much.  It seems like every year I realize even more that he gave me.  I sit here typing with a tear in my eye, but a heart full to the brim with thanks.  Thank you Dad.  I miss you.

Diamonds, Diamonds everywhere

Most everyone knows at this point that I am taking a class on prayer counseling training.  We are learning all sorts of interesting things.  One of the things we were talking about last week was the fact that we, as human beings, are the only things with a heartbeat that needs to be trained to be who we are.  Think about it.  If you raise a puppy with a bunch of cats does he meow?  Nope.  If you raise a pig with cows will it then moo?  Nope.  They innately do what they are created to do.  Not so with us.  If as infants we are not taught how to talk, we don't talk.  If as infants and/or young children we are not taught the basics of life, such as, how to trust, love, forgive, share, be compassionate, we will likely always struggle with those things later on in life.  As an example, our book told of the 19 year old boy who was found in India in 1976 who was raised by wolves.  He ran on all fours, barked like a dog and ate raw meat like the wolves.  The boy was taught to wear clothes, walk upright, and bathe, but he was never able to adapt and never learned to talk and died at the age of a typical adult wolf.   As human beings were are so dependent.  If, as parents, we were to sit and think about the awesome responsibility that is before us, the task could easily be daunting.  


Yesterday was another difficult day "at the office".  We have a group of children right now that can be...hmmm....shall we say, quite a challenge?  Some of them simply do not listen, some of them are flat out defiant, and some of the fun ones are a mixture of all that and a bag of chips.  I constantly struggle with the fact that so much of my energy goes into controlling the difficult ones that the well behaved ones get what's left of me, which is often not much.  It doesn't seem fair.  I so want to love on these children and get to know them and find out who they are, but on some days I'm just running from fire to fire putting out the sparks.  


Later in the day I was talking with my boss about the difficulties of the day.  I was not very optimistic about the future of one particular boy in our program.  Admittedly, yesterday was an especially rough day for him.  He can always be challenging, but most days he is manageable.  Yesterday I did not consider him manageable.  My boss is an amazing woman with a heart so big I really don't know how she fits through the doors.  She has a capacity to love like no other person I have ever met and her desire to give of herself has no end.  She is aware of the difficulties that the teachers face with children that are extra needy.  She is also well aware that we cannot save the world.  I learned yesterday that she's not trying to save the world, she's teaching basics to children one at a time.  


The home life of "yesterday's challenge" leaves MUCH to be desired.  His life is in constant upheaval.  I'm sure his short four years on this earth have been much like one tornado after another.  This little guy has not been taught the basics of life.  He probably doesn't get much affection at home, (which is a shame because he gives the best hugs), he probably doesn't get much attention at home, and I have a feeling he's shipped off here and there with little consistency in any part of his life.  My boss was sharing with me that this little guy has had a really rough 2 weeks.  It's no wonder he was acting out.  He hasn't been taught how to deal with the emotions that are raging through his body.  He's getting attention the only way he knows how.  Until he is taught a better and more effective way, that will most likely not change.  


It would be great if every child had parents with the ability to give them all the attention, affection, love and nurturing they need.  There are no perfect parents out there, but unfortunately there are many parents that just can't give their children what they need to thrive. Our little program can't change the world, but our little program CAN change the world of a little child for a few hours.  WE can love them, teach them, train them and equip them the best we can with the time that we have been entrusted with them.  Isn't that exactly what God expects of us?  After all, it's not us that causes change in a child or anyone, it's God.  He has the power, not us.  We simply have to do our part.  Oh the things that God can do with the faith of a mustard seed.  We can't see the plans God has for our children, but rest assured, there IS a plan.  No one is here that doesn't have a divine purpose.  I've been reminded that my job is to do my part, no matter how insignificant it may seem, and the rest I'll leave to the Master.  We're all diamonds to Him.   

Seasons

Seasons.  I love them all with the humid heat of summer being my least favorite.  We're in the midst of my very favorite season.  I can't get enough of a cool autumn day with the different colored leaves falling gently to my feet.  I love walking through the leaves and hearing the crunch while breathing the unmistakable fresh fall air.  It's simply glorious.  I admittedly get a little sad when all the leaves are off the trees.  They looks so barren and lifeless, but that changes as soon as they are blanketed with a fresh coating of white snow.  I love the snow.  I don't so much enjoy the goofs that occupy this area of Virginia that seriously do not know how to drive on a road with a snowflake on it, but nevertheless, I LOVE the snow.  It's the upstate NY girl that will never leave me.  Then of course you have the welcomed warmth that gives us the green grass and blooming flowers, the budding trees and the returning robins.  There's no doubt about it, Northern Virginia offers a breathtaking spring year after year.  Of course then there is the summer with 95% humidity and the return of my whining for no less than three months straight.  


I said more that I thought I would about those seasons.  I'm not here to write about the weather.  What is on my mind is the seasons of life.  Whether we ask for them or not they come to us just like the changes in the weather.  Unlike the weather, we have a choice in how we respond to the seasons we find ourselves in.  Some are so welcome and bring so much joy, but somehow there ends up being conflict and challenges thrown in there out of nowhere. I was single for what seemed forever.  When I got married it was a joyful time, but thrown in there was more struggles and conflict than i even could have imagined.  It was a season.  We are now in year 6 of our marriage.  Are we still in "seasons"?  You  betcha.  Just when we think we have one licked another one pops up.  I have a feeling we are not alone in that.  Contrary to popular belief, I'm getting the feeling that marriage wasn't intended to be easy.  We are put together to make each other better.  Better for each other, better for our peers and most of all better for God.  That refining takes work.  


That's still not the season that is really on my mind.  I am 42 years old and am beginning a brand new season.  I'd like to say it is easy, but though I find it extremely exciting, I kind of feel like a freshly born fawn that is trying to take steps on some legs that are pretty wobbly.  I was an appraiser for over 12 years with a successful business.  I was confident in that.  I knew that I was able to do a good job.  I knew what I was doing.  God called me to give that up, and I did.  With all of my heart I feel God's calling me for more.  For years and years I embraced the lie that I was not useful for God because of my mistakes.  This kept me stagnant.  I would get involved in church, but when I felt that more was going to be expected of me I would back off out of fear that I would let the church and God down with my unfaithfulness.  I'd find a way to mess it up, so I'd just fade away.  God has grabbed a hold of me.  I don't know what he has for me to do, but I so clearly hear His voice and perhaps for the first time in my 42 to years I am running to Him and not away  from Him.  I will do what he asks of me.  I am taking a class in Bible Counseling.  It examines the heart and it is intense.  I don't know what God wants me to do with this class, but I know I'm meant to be in it.  I can't say that I know exactly where I am going, but I'm following His voice and that is enough for me.  I am at peace in that.  


There is a new movie out called "Courageous".  Brian and I saw it last night and my eyes are still puffy from crying through half of the movie.  (no joke)  There is a book call Resolutions for Men and Resolutions for Women.  Our church is doing a Bible study for both the Men and the Women.  Brian joined the men's group and I thought about joining the women's group...but with all the reading and homework from my class I thought it was a bit much to take on.  Well, Brian really wanted me to take the class.  I was shocked as he never asks me to do things like that and he knows how much reading I already have to do with my class.  He bought me the book, so how could I say no?  I read the first weeks reading assignment.  I never got past the first page of the forward.  Here is what the forward says, "What if we let go of the baggage of our past, clarified our convictions, and then pursued faithfulness to God, our marriages, and children for the rest of our lives?"   The next paragraph said "God is calling all women to a new season".   The next paragraph said "This resolution for Women with both stir and challenge you.  it will speak to the best part of who you are.  It will remind you of your priceless value and the wonderful, God-honoring reason why you were created."


Are you kidding me???  Do you have any idea how long I have searched for my God-honoring reason why I was created?  Go back and read the part that is in bold print, will you please?  Take it in.  It's powerful.  I have no idea what God has planned for me next and I'm still feeling like that little fawn that is trying out it's new legs, but soon enough I'm going to bound and leap.  I have every intention of courageously discovering my divine purpose in my new season.  I challenge you do do the same.  

Cause and Effect

Alright.  I'm not what you would consider obese, but I have some pounds that would look much better off of my body.  Over the summer I joined Weight Watchers and was successful in losing 10 pounds fairly quickly.  I was in the groove and loving the results.  Then we moved.  For some reason it seemed like the only food in the house for an entire week was bagels and pizza.  It didn't take me long at all to fall right back into my bad habits and extra slices of pizza.  The move was stressful, unpacking was stressful and getting the family settled was stressful.  What calms stress more than ice cream?  Since I'd already blown my good habits out of the water I indulged.  To be honest I indulged over and over again.  Before I knew it I was right back to where I started on the scale.  My clothes don't fit anymore and I'm once again uncomfortable in my skin and my back is starting to hurt.  


This week I started getting back on track again.  I miraculously remembered where the gym was and actually went inside.  I hopped onto an elliptical machine and started huffing and puffing away.  I watched as the numbers of calories burned slowly went up....3......4.......5.  I had some good music on so I listened to some songs and was starting to sweat and was feeling good about my first workout in WAY too long.  After a while I look at the calories burned certain to be impressed with the number.  134 calories burned.  WHAT?  134 calories is one good scoop of Ben & Jerry's peanut butter cup ice cream with a chunk of chocolate!!!!  I confess.  I can down a pint.  I don't even want to know how long I'd have to be on that machine to burn off a pint of ice cream, but I'm certain I would be closing down the place.  Why is it that it is SO easy to eat the calories but it takes so much effort and time and pain to get them back off?  That ice cream tastes so good for how long?  Not long enough in comparison to what it takes to undo what you did.  


All this made me think back on some of the mistakes I've made in my past.  Mistakes that I so wish could have been erased with some time on a treadmill.  I've made a lot of mistakes that were more serious than a few extra Oreos.  We've all made mistakes.  How many mistakes have we made that seemed so insignificant at the time.  A secret we share when we were trusted to keep it.  A few sentences blurted out in a matter of seconds can result in months or even years of trying to gain back the trust of a friend.  We get angry and say things out of the heat of the moment and can spend an incredible amount of time trying to reestablish our character to others.   Seemingly innocent flirting can take one down a slippery slope to an affair and the results are devastating.  Marriages are destroyed every day because of unfaithfulness and the ones that survive are altered to say the least with years and years of building back trust.   Young girls make a poor decision to give themselves away too soon and suffer the heartbreak of the loss of innocence, or in too many cases then have to face a pregnancy much sooner than expected.     


God asks us to follow His rules not for the sake of having rules.  Yes, we are called to be Holy.  We are called to follow the example of Jesus although we will always fall short.  God asks us to do and not do things for our own good.  He wants to keep us from the pain.   Look at the ten commandments.  Do not commit adultery.  Why?  God wants our marriages to be pure.  Unfaithfulness causes way too much pain to way too many people.   You can go down the list of the commandments and all of them are to make us the best we can be.  Going down the wrong road leads to pain, and it's not because God is beating us down for making the wrong decisions, it's because there's this little things called cause and effect.  We reap what we sow.  It's a pretty easy concept.  So many of the difficult things we go through are because of our own actions.  Certainly that is not always true, tragedies occur and sometimes there truly is no rhyme or reason.  


I'm thankful that at this exact moment in my life I'm experiencing the discomfort of extra pounds that are a result of my own poor choices in my diet.  I can easily change that.  It doesn't mean that any pounds will come off easily, but the remedy is simple, though execution may be a challenge.  I'm sure there will be more moments in my life when I'm paying the price for a decision that should have been thought through a little more.  I'm praying, however, that I have learned enough from my past mistakes to steer clear of them in the future.  I'm hoping the same for you.