Growing up in a Christian home there was always a lot of prayer going on. We had dinner as a family every evening at 6:00 on the button and always prefaced our meals with a prayer. More times than not my father would fall asleep in his chair reading his Bible and praying. Every Wednesday my father would go to church for prayer meeting and it was an evening devoted to prayer.
Over the years I've meet some amazing prayer warriors. These men and women can move mountains with their words and always seem to know exactly what to say to really touch the heart of whoever it is they are praying for. They are gifted. I do not consider myself one of these folks. Certainly I pray, and I know God hears me and knows my heart....but I'm often relieved that God isn't dependent on the right words to know what I'm trying to say.
Last week I was out in my office doing homework and Brian put the girls to bed. When I came back into the house they were sleeping. I went into Haylee's bedroom and sat on her bed next to her and kissed her and rubbed her beautiful face as she slept. I whispered several "I love yous" and then I started to pray for her. I placed my hand on her chest and I prayed. As I was praying I started to feel different. What started as barely a whisper suddenly had authority and I felt power in my words. I truly felt like God was being transferred right into my daughter's heart through my hand. When I finished praying with her I went in and prayed for Kerrington and the same thing happened. It was indescribable. I walked out of the room and just stood in the hallway trying to grasp what just happened. It hit me, there WAS power in my words. I WAS praying power into my daughters. God hears our prayers and responds. God saw my heart and He knew the desire of my heart, and when I prayed for His covering over my girls he gave it to me and I felt it. I hope they did too.
Feeling such power in a prayer really got me thinking about power. As believers we have incredible power at our disposal should we take the time to call on the Lord for it. But as I was thinking about my two girls I realized that I hold a different kind of power that I sometimes forget that I have. As parents we all have tremendous power. I started to think about how easily my words and actions can either build and encourage their little spirits, or break them. My girls look up to me all the time, on my good days and on my bad days. A few months ago I told Haylee that we had to brush her hair because it was a mess. She looked at me with an expression that broke my heart and said "mama, you don't like my hair?" There may be some drama attached to that example...but it was a reminder to me that I need choose my words carefully because they have incredible power. Haylee is 5 years old and she is incredibly sensitive. She internalizes things that I'm not even aware of. Thankfully she's very vocal and she communicates what she's feeling, so most of the time if I've hurt her she will tell me and we can talk about it. Thankfully when someone else has hurt her she tells me and we can talk about it. I know that it's likely that this will not always be the case, so it's imperative that I do all I can to encourage her confidence and character. So many little things happen in the course of the day that have the potential to build or break. I need to pray to have awareness of these moments.
To be perfectly honest, I'm not crazy about holding all this power. When did I qualify for this? I'm sure that I'm not qualified in and of myself, but thankfully I'm not doing this alone and there is power in prayer, not just for my daughters, but for me too.
About Me
- Who I am: Janiece
- I'm a wife and mom of a 19 year old stepson and 2 little girls ages 5 and almost 7. I was a self-employed real estate appraiser for 12 years and am ready to turn the page and Lord willing go back to school and see what God has next for me. Certainly my highest priority is to attempt to keep the house in order for my dear husband and to savor all the moments I can with my little ones that are growing entirely too fast.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Who's the boss?
I have a discouraged and disappointed husband. If you knew my husband, he doesn't set himself up for disappointment. While I'm jumping up and down and clapping about something he is sitting calmly and quietly waiting for "something" to really happen or appear. I've often looked at him thinking that he's missing out on half the excitement of life by foregoing the jumping and clapping. Half of the fun in my life consists of jumping and clapping. Anyway....he was promised a bonus at his job in recognition of all the outstanding work he does and his unwavering commitment to his responsibilities. The promise was empty, not unlike our bank account. Like anyone, we were certainly looking forward to the extra funds in hopes of getting ahead a little. I can understand his disappointment.
Brian is not the stereotypical "government employee". I'm sure being in the DC area we have all heard the jokes about how government employees are all slackers. My husband is not a slacker. He works for the government as a cyber security something or other. Yes, that is his official title. Check out his business card. He takes his job incredibly seriously. He wants nothing more than to make a difference. He wants to protect our country from cyber attacks. He doesn't hesitate to go the extra mile, he doesn't cut corners. An interoffice memo is just as important to him as a brief to the Secretary of Defense. It all matters to him. He doesn't play the office political games. He is there to do a job and he expects those around him to do the same. If you work for him you'd better bring your "A" game because you're going to need it. I often joke that if I worked for him he'd fire me in 5 minutes. He doesn't leave the office because a clock tells him to, he leaves the office when the work for the day is done. When he comes home he still cares about what's happening. Cyber attacks are real and they don't stop at the end of a workday. He doesn't turn off his work phone when he gets home. He is not a slave to it, but he checks it to make sure if something needs attention it is taken care of.
Brian is not just an outstanding worker. He is an outstanding husband and father. There is nothing he wouldn't do for our family and he shows it daily. He has a ridiculous commute, works a full day, comes home and is engaged with our family. Every day without fail he calls me on the way home and asks me if there is anything he can stop and get for me at the store. You know what? He means it. He would stop and get anything I asked him to and not complain. When the girls have worn me out he takes over. He takes over bath and bedtime and lovingly reads to them and tucks them in.
It struck me earlier as I was catching myself getting a little angry for him....Brian does a fantastic job and he does so because his character and integrity require that he does, but more importantly because God requires that he does. He's going to perform the same no matter who his Commander in Chief is.
"Whatever you do, work at it with all you heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters"
Colossians 3:23
"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
I Corinthians 10:31
Brian may not be getting the recognition that he had hoped for, but his commitment and dedication to his job and to his family are not overlooked by the only One who truly matters.
Brian, THANK YOU so much for all you do. As your wife I thank you for the way you care for our family. As an American I thank you for what you do to keep our beloved Country safe. I love you.
Monday, August 20, 2012
By George, I think I've got it!!!
My last post was regarding my concerns about my daughter going to kindergarten in a public school. Not knowing much about the public school system and always assuming that we would be able to send our girls to a Christian School cause a great amount of angst in me to say the least. So many waves of thought went through my mind at warp speed and I struggled with figuring out what exactly was at the heart of my hesitation.
I'm still not exactly sure if it's any one thing. There are so many things to consider when deciding on any educational choice whether it's preschool or grad school. There are pros and cons to any form of education and I strongly believe that there are many choices out there because everyone learns in their own way. I guess it's our job as parents to do our best to figure out what style of learning enables our little ones to truly soar.
Anyway....after MUCH thought and deliberation and tears and prayer I realized that a large part of my hesitation in sending Haylee to a public school was a result of my experience in a public high school. I didn't have a horrible experience, but I felt invisible. I didn't feel like my teachers knew me and I certainly didn't feel like the majority of the students knew I existed. Whether or not any of this is true, it's what I believed to be true as a fragile adolescent. My biggest fear is Haylee experiencing any of those feelings.
After we attended the "meet the teacher" night I was even more concerned. She is in a classroom with 24 kids with one teacher and one assistant. All I could think of is "how in the world can one teacher be effective in teaching all these children?" I couldn't get the thought out of my mind. I pictured Haylee being excited over the completion of an assignment and trying to show her teacher who is too busy with the other 18 children to notice her accomplishment. I pictured her little spirit being crushed bit by tiny bit. This is all of course in my head and who knows if anything like that would happen. I'm sure these teachers do their best to encourage all of the children the best they can. Of course, my "picture" didn't stop there. My mind is way too good at travel to stop there! I got thinking about all the things I know to be so amazing about my daughter. I wondered if the teacher would ever get the opportunity to notice some of these little nuances that make her so unique. How sensitive she is if someone is hurt. If a friend hurts, so does she. Will the teacher spend enough time with her to notice her sense of humor? Will she understand how easily her heart is hurt? Will she be able to take the extra little moments necessary to build her little spirit? All these questions and many others had me in intermittent tears all day Saturday.
Then it hit me.
Hilary Clinton, I'm sorry, but I respectfully disagree with you. It does NOT take a village to raise a child. It takes parents. One mother and one father. It is OUR job to encourage her and build her spirit. It is our job to do our best to build confidence in her. It's our job to teach her right from wrong and the importance of morals and values. We are the ones that are supposed to know her little personality inside out. Brian and I are to teach her about the Lord and what it means to love God and live for Him. Don't get me wrong, of course our teachers come along side us and help us and teach what their job asks them to teach. I'm sure as the days and weeks to by I will be incredibly thankful for what her new teacher is doing for her everyday.
An enormous peace came over me when the realization hit me that sending her away to school didn't mean that I was turning the responsibility of her learning to someone else. Brian and I are and will always be her primary teachers. No matter where we decided to send her for her education, we would still be her primary teachers. Our job will now change and our responsibility is greater. We need to be aware of what she is being taught and if it doesn't line up with what we believe to be true then we will explain things to her as necessary. I know that there will be challenges along the way and this will not be easy. I'm also sure there will be more tears shed. I also know that tears aren't really a bad thing....I cry because I love her so much and want to do this whole parenting thing right. I cry because I care and it matters to me, so you'll never see me apologizing for my tears.
So, I worried about her being invisible, but I now see that it's impossible for that to ever be. That little girl knows full well how loved she is. She talks all the time about how Jesus lives in her heart. Invisible? Not a chance.
I'm still not exactly sure if it's any one thing. There are so many things to consider when deciding on any educational choice whether it's preschool or grad school. There are pros and cons to any form of education and I strongly believe that there are many choices out there because everyone learns in their own way. I guess it's our job as parents to do our best to figure out what style of learning enables our little ones to truly soar.
Anyway....after MUCH thought and deliberation and tears and prayer I realized that a large part of my hesitation in sending Haylee to a public school was a result of my experience in a public high school. I didn't have a horrible experience, but I felt invisible. I didn't feel like my teachers knew me and I certainly didn't feel like the majority of the students knew I existed. Whether or not any of this is true, it's what I believed to be true as a fragile adolescent. My biggest fear is Haylee experiencing any of those feelings.
After we attended the "meet the teacher" night I was even more concerned. She is in a classroom with 24 kids with one teacher and one assistant. All I could think of is "how in the world can one teacher be effective in teaching all these children?" I couldn't get the thought out of my mind. I pictured Haylee being excited over the completion of an assignment and trying to show her teacher who is too busy with the other 18 children to notice her accomplishment. I pictured her little spirit being crushed bit by tiny bit. This is all of course in my head and who knows if anything like that would happen. I'm sure these teachers do their best to encourage all of the children the best they can. Of course, my "picture" didn't stop there. My mind is way too good at travel to stop there! I got thinking about all the things I know to be so amazing about my daughter. I wondered if the teacher would ever get the opportunity to notice some of these little nuances that make her so unique. How sensitive she is if someone is hurt. If a friend hurts, so does she. Will the teacher spend enough time with her to notice her sense of humor? Will she understand how easily her heart is hurt? Will she be able to take the extra little moments necessary to build her little spirit? All these questions and many others had me in intermittent tears all day Saturday.
Then it hit me.
Hilary Clinton, I'm sorry, but I respectfully disagree with you. It does NOT take a village to raise a child. It takes parents. One mother and one father. It is OUR job to encourage her and build her spirit. It is our job to do our best to build confidence in her. It's our job to teach her right from wrong and the importance of morals and values. We are the ones that are supposed to know her little personality inside out. Brian and I are to teach her about the Lord and what it means to love God and live for Him. Don't get me wrong, of course our teachers come along side us and help us and teach what their job asks them to teach. I'm sure as the days and weeks to by I will be incredibly thankful for what her new teacher is doing for her everyday.
An enormous peace came over me when the realization hit me that sending her away to school didn't mean that I was turning the responsibility of her learning to someone else. Brian and I are and will always be her primary teachers. No matter where we decided to send her for her education, we would still be her primary teachers. Our job will now change and our responsibility is greater. We need to be aware of what she is being taught and if it doesn't line up with what we believe to be true then we will explain things to her as necessary. I know that there will be challenges along the way and this will not be easy. I'm also sure there will be more tears shed. I also know that tears aren't really a bad thing....I cry because I love her so much and want to do this whole parenting thing right. I cry because I care and it matters to me, so you'll never see me apologizing for my tears.
So, I worried about her being invisible, but I now see that it's impossible for that to ever be. That little girl knows full well how loved she is. She talks all the time about how Jesus lives in her heart. Invisible? Not a chance.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
To the Wolves???
So, again it's been a while since I've written. One good thing about going a while is that I have lots of blog ideas brewing. On June 25th I had to put my beloved cat, Gus, down. It was by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do and to say it broke my heart is an understatement. I did a lot of my writing in my little office and more times than not he was my writing companion. I find it hard to be there without being overwhelmed by an aching heart. I sit here in my living room typing, but I will eventually make my way back to my little haven.
Today there is something heavy on my heart. I'm still processing it, but I thought maybe writing would help a bit. Much to my disbelief, my baby girl who I JUST gave birth to is five years old. She is starting Kindergarten in a few short weeks. I put off registering her because I just couldn't bring myself to do it for some reasons I knew, and some I'm just realizing. Brian and I both went to private schools for the majority of our school years. I went to a private Christian School until 10th grade. We had discussed school and agreed that our desire was for our children to get a Christian based education. However, with my business being flushed down the toilet with the economy and having to recover from some financial hardships, private school is just not an option for us at this time. So, since I'm quite confident homeschooling would be a disaster, we are left with public school. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not trying to trash public schools, I would simply prefer a smaller class size and strongly desire a Christian education for Haylee.
I walked into the school office fighting back tears. I filled out all the paperwork and handed it all in to the very nice office secretary who assured me my daughter would be thrilled with her new school. As I returned to my car all I could think of was that I just threw my daughter to the wolves. (Keep in mind that homeschooling her would be throwing her to a wolverine....which would be me) I kept going over in my mind the reasons I was finding this so hard. I'm sure that all mothers go through this to some degree when then send their firstborn off to school for the first time. I'm sure some of my reluctance is just the unknown. I'm sure part of it is wondering if as parents we have done all we could to prepare her for this next phase of her life. Certainly there are questions.
Will the other children be nice to her?
Will she be nice to other children?
Will she have the strength to stand up for herself?
Will she be kind and considerate?
Will she come home happy and excited, or sad and brokenhearted? (she is a very sensitive young girl)
There are so many questions and I won't have the answers until she is off to school.
On top of these questions and concerns, I realized that there is another underlying reason I'm so very hesitant to send her to public school. I was in a very small Christian school until 10th grade. I didn't have to deal with clicks, I wasn't ridiculed because of my clothes or my hair as a young girl (but MAN...let me tell you...I would have been a target to say the least). I really don't know what a public elementary school is like. I DO however, know what a public high school is like. Going into a new high school in 10th grade as the new kid with crazy short hair, not even a cool pair of socks and no friends was not easy. No one was mean to me, but I just sort of existed. I wanted more than anything to be liked by the "cool" kids, but they already had their groups formed. I did find some good friends and I'm very thankful for the girls that did embrace me, but it wasn't easy for a fragile 15 year old.
I'm seeing that so much of my concern stems from my public school experience. Haylee is 5, not 15. Her experience will be completely different from mine. I'm sure she will come across some girls or boys that are not nice to her, and I'm sure there will be times when she is not very nice to some other girls or boys. I'm sure there will be days that she DOES come home brokenhearted. When she does I will hold her and love her. I'm sure there will be days that she comes home happy and excited about friends and learning. When she does I will be happy with her and love her. There will be days that she comes home frustrated and tired. I will encourage her and love her. There will be days that she comes home and tells me that she wasn't very nice to someone. I will correct her and love her.
The main point is that I'm seeing that I can't control the circumstances, but I can control how I react to them. She has to live life and she has to have experiences both good and bad. Part of my job as a parent is to teach her how to navigate through all the experiences. I can't shelter her, that is not teaching her and it is not strengthening her. It's my job to help her grow into a responsible, caring adult.
This parenting thing is not easy. There is a part of me that DOES just want to hug her and protect her all the days of her life!!! I DON'T want her to be hurt, I don't want her to be sad or broken hearted. Who wants to watch their child hurt? When they hand you your new baby in the hospital they are so tiny and frail. They are so dependent and needy. Then you blink and they are little people. Little people that have to live life. Life hurts sometimes as wonderful as it is. I pray more than anything that I can help to teach my girls how wonderful life is even when you are kicking a wolf away from your pant leg.
Today there is something heavy on my heart. I'm still processing it, but I thought maybe writing would help a bit. Much to my disbelief, my baby girl who I JUST gave birth to is five years old. She is starting Kindergarten in a few short weeks. I put off registering her because I just couldn't bring myself to do it for some reasons I knew, and some I'm just realizing. Brian and I both went to private schools for the majority of our school years. I went to a private Christian School until 10th grade. We had discussed school and agreed that our desire was for our children to get a Christian based education. However, with my business being flushed down the toilet with the economy and having to recover from some financial hardships, private school is just not an option for us at this time. So, since I'm quite confident homeschooling would be a disaster, we are left with public school. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not trying to trash public schools, I would simply prefer a smaller class size and strongly desire a Christian education for Haylee.
I walked into the school office fighting back tears. I filled out all the paperwork and handed it all in to the very nice office secretary who assured me my daughter would be thrilled with her new school. As I returned to my car all I could think of was that I just threw my daughter to the wolves. (Keep in mind that homeschooling her would be throwing her to a wolverine....which would be me) I kept going over in my mind the reasons I was finding this so hard. I'm sure that all mothers go through this to some degree when then send their firstborn off to school for the first time. I'm sure some of my reluctance is just the unknown. I'm sure part of it is wondering if as parents we have done all we could to prepare her for this next phase of her life. Certainly there are questions.
Will the other children be nice to her?
Will she be nice to other children?
Will she have the strength to stand up for herself?
Will she be kind and considerate?
Will she come home happy and excited, or sad and brokenhearted? (she is a very sensitive young girl)
There are so many questions and I won't have the answers until she is off to school.
On top of these questions and concerns, I realized that there is another underlying reason I'm so very hesitant to send her to public school. I was in a very small Christian school until 10th grade. I didn't have to deal with clicks, I wasn't ridiculed because of my clothes or my hair as a young girl (but MAN...let me tell you...I would have been a target to say the least). I really don't know what a public elementary school is like. I DO however, know what a public high school is like. Going into a new high school in 10th grade as the new kid with crazy short hair, not even a cool pair of socks and no friends was not easy. No one was mean to me, but I just sort of existed. I wanted more than anything to be liked by the "cool" kids, but they already had their groups formed. I did find some good friends and I'm very thankful for the girls that did embrace me, but it wasn't easy for a fragile 15 year old.
I'm seeing that so much of my concern stems from my public school experience. Haylee is 5, not 15. Her experience will be completely different from mine. I'm sure she will come across some girls or boys that are not nice to her, and I'm sure there will be times when she is not very nice to some other girls or boys. I'm sure there will be days that she DOES come home brokenhearted. When she does I will hold her and love her. I'm sure there will be days that she comes home happy and excited about friends and learning. When she does I will be happy with her and love her. There will be days that she comes home frustrated and tired. I will encourage her and love her. There will be days that she comes home and tells me that she wasn't very nice to someone. I will correct her and love her.
The main point is that I'm seeing that I can't control the circumstances, but I can control how I react to them. She has to live life and she has to have experiences both good and bad. Part of my job as a parent is to teach her how to navigate through all the experiences. I can't shelter her, that is not teaching her and it is not strengthening her. It's my job to help her grow into a responsible, caring adult.
This parenting thing is not easy. There is a part of me that DOES just want to hug her and protect her all the days of her life!!! I DON'T want her to be hurt, I don't want her to be sad or broken hearted. Who wants to watch their child hurt? When they hand you your new baby in the hospital they are so tiny and frail. They are so dependent and needy. Then you blink and they are little people. Little people that have to live life. Life hurts sometimes as wonderful as it is. I pray more than anything that I can help to teach my girls how wonderful life is even when you are kicking a wolf away from your pant leg.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
A simple "I love you"
When Haylee was a baby she wasn't particularly snuggly. She would snuggle when it was time to go to bed at night, but to sit on the couch on your lap and just "be"...not so much. I remember wishing that she would snuggle with me a little more. As a baby she wasn't a big fan of snuggling, but as a toddler she became more and more of a snuggle bug and now I can't keep her off of me. If I'm sitting she has to be next to me, if I'm laying on the couch she has to be next to me. If she had her way we would snuggle for an hour every morning, noon and night. She is forever content in the arms of her mommy.
Kerrington was a snuggler from the start and still is. The most frustrating part of my day is being the referee between the two when they are fighting over my lap. My solution is to plop them both in my lap, but if world war 1 is over my lap then world war 2 is over one of them touching the other while on my lap.
A night that passes without a 30 or 40 pound bedbug crawling in our bed is rare. The other night Haylee climbed into our bed and she snuggled just as close to me as she could possibly get and she pulled my arm over her and kissed my arm while hugging it close to her. A few minutes later she kissed my arm again. It was a beautiful "I love you." Even though I was 90% asleep, my heart smiled.
Last night Kerrington made a visit in the midnight hour. Again, I was half sleeping, but I was awake enough to realize that I had company. Brian had confiscated the pillow, and she couldn't find one, so I offered her my arm and she happily snuggled into it and me and whispered "Mama, I always love you." She was back to sleep in less than a minute. In the consciousness that I did have in that moment all I could think of was how fortunate I am that I have not one, but two little girls that are so loving and affectionate. I was filled with thankfulness as I hugged her tighter into me.
I know that there are parents out there that will never hear the words "I love you" from the children they love and cherish. To be very honest, I don't know much about Autism. I know that there is a huge range of symptoms and degrees of it, and children with mild cases can live somewhat normal lives. I also know that children with severe cases are incapable of connection and affection even with the parents they love.
My best friend's cousin has a daughter with severe Autism. I don't believe she will ever hear the words "I love you" from her little girl. What's beautiful is that they have a special way of connecting. It's in very subtle ways, but love is communicated. Although there are small ways that this love is felt, I'm certain the mother has a hole in her heart that just longs for those words to be whispered.
I can't even imagine the hardships that parents of children with special needs go through on a daily basis. when I'm having a rough day with my girls and then they crawl up in my lap and smother me with kisses the hard parts just fade away. What if I never had those moments? What if my little girl or girls couldn't even make eye contact with me?
In the challenges of parenthood it can be so easy to get caught up in the daily frustrations. It is so easy to lose sight of little things that really are not little at all. When you think about it, there really is no such thing as a "simple" I love you. When the words "I love you" are coming from the pure heart of a three or four year old it can move a mountain.
Dear Lord, please help me to embrace the joy that is ever present in the little moments.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Give and take
God is so cool. I sat down here to write a blog about something that's been on my mind for a few days and just as I started to type, God gave me something completely different to say. This is hot off the press.
Alright, so if you've read my past posts or if you know me at all you know I love my little birds. I have several feeders and thoroughly enjoy watching my little chirpities and they come and go holding on tight to their little seed snacks. It's incredibly peaceful for me.
For the past week or so we have been getting an unwanted visitor or visitors in the night. Destructive evidence has shown that we indeed have a bear helping himself to the birdseed. In addition, he is happy to help us sort through our recycling and our trash in the event a certain unnamed teenager should forget to take it to the garage. At first he knocked over a feeder and got to the seeds. The next time he climbed up into the tree and knocked out the feeder and emptied it. This morning I found that he completely destroyed my favorite feeder and took another one as a souvenir!!!
I know what I have to do. I have to take the feeders down at night and put them back up in the morning. If I want to feed them at all, this is what needs to be done. As I sat down to write, I gazed out the window watching my precious little chickadees (my very favorite bird) and wondered if they will understand that in order to GIVE to them I have to TAKE AWAY.
Stop.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Oh how my mind is racing looking back on all the times that I've been so frustrated that I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted it. How many times has God had to take something from me in order to give something to me?
I love my birds. I want to feed them. It gives me joy. God loves me. He wants to give to me. It gives HIM joy. Looking out at my birds, I get it. Watching my little chirping friends has given me a priceless message from my heavenly Father.
I wonder if I'll ever understand that in order for God to GIVE to me, sometimes he has to TAKE AWAY. Today I believe I'm one step closer to embracing this truth.
Psalm 84:11 - "no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.
Isaiah 55:9 - "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Alright, so if you've read my past posts or if you know me at all you know I love my little birds. I have several feeders and thoroughly enjoy watching my little chirpities and they come and go holding on tight to their little seed snacks. It's incredibly peaceful for me.
For the past week or so we have been getting an unwanted visitor or visitors in the night. Destructive evidence has shown that we indeed have a bear helping himself to the birdseed. In addition, he is happy to help us sort through our recycling and our trash in the event a certain unnamed teenager should forget to take it to the garage. At first he knocked over a feeder and got to the seeds. The next time he climbed up into the tree and knocked out the feeder and emptied it. This morning I found that he completely destroyed my favorite feeder and took another one as a souvenir!!!
I know what I have to do. I have to take the feeders down at night and put them back up in the morning. If I want to feed them at all, this is what needs to be done. As I sat down to write, I gazed out the window watching my precious little chickadees (my very favorite bird) and wondered if they will understand that in order to GIVE to them I have to TAKE AWAY.
Stop.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Oh how my mind is racing looking back on all the times that I've been so frustrated that I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted it. How many times has God had to take something from me in order to give something to me?
I love my birds. I want to feed them. It gives me joy. God loves me. He wants to give to me. It gives HIM joy. Looking out at my birds, I get it. Watching my little chirping friends has given me a priceless message from my heavenly Father.
I wonder if I'll ever understand that in order for God to GIVE to me, sometimes he has to TAKE AWAY. Today I believe I'm one step closer to embracing this truth.
Psalm 84:11 - "no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.
Isaiah 55:9 - "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Happiness is......
I remember when I was young there were little figurines all over the gift stores that said "happiness is...." you fill in the blank. There were posters, shirts, pictures, etc. and they declared that happiness was anything from a person, to coffee (which is feasible if you ask me), sleep, hugs, kisses, smiles, you name it. In the movie "you're a good man, Charlie Brown" there was even a song that had quite a few suggestions on what could bring some momentary or even some long term happiness.
I was talking to a friend a while back and this friend asked how I was doing. I don't know what I said exactly, but I must have answered with a lack of enthusiasm that gave the impression that I was unhappy. The friend said "you know, you deserve to be happy and if you're not you need to go find what makes you happy." This friend knows both my husband and I and knows that we have been working through some rough spots in our marriage. I'm fairly certain this friend was referring to my marriage in the comment. I thought about the comment quite a bit and was saddened in knowing that there are countless marriages that are no more because someone went out to pursue "happiness" that wasn't seen in the marriage. Notice that I did not say wasn't IN the marriage, I said it wasn't SEEN in the marriage.
I am a guilty as anyone of falling for the notion that my husband should make me happy. If I'm not happy it's because my husband isn't meeting my needs, right? Don't think I haven't slumped over on occasion with that idea in my head. "If only my husband would to this, or wouldn't do that, I'd be happy." "If only he'd be a good spouse to me like I am to him!" (insert hysterical laughter here!!) What a crock of crap! What a bold faced lie straight from the father of lies himself. It is most certainly NOT my husbands responsibility to make me happy. Does he have responsibilities in our marriage relationship? Of course he does, but making sure that my feelings are warm and fuzzy is not one of them. My happiness, contentment and my joy is my responsibility alone. I could almost bring myself to tears thinking back on the resentments I have held tightly to in the past against my husband that I'm certain affected the happiness of us both in our marriage.
Wouldn't it be great though if we could blame our lack of happiness and joy on someone else? It sure would be easier that way. It would make walking out of a marriage a whole lot easier believing that your marriage will never be happy because of someone else. Oh the other hand, if my happiness was determined by what someone else did or didn't do what I sitting duck I'd feel like. I'd feel like little more than a puppet. Embracing the fact that joy and happiness are mine for the taking at any time and in any circumstance is empowering! Do people's actions affect us? Of course they do. There is no denying that we are uplifted by others and we are at times hurt by others and we do react, we are human after all. The difference is that we do not have to be bound by the feelings that our responses generate. We can, and I have....and unfortunately I have held on to those feelings for long periods of time. I can't change how I have reacted in the past, but I can change how I react now and in the future. No matter what the circumstances are there is always and forever a reason to get on knees and thank God for something.
I don't believe my friend meant any harm in the comment. My friend sensed pain and offered what was believed to be life giving advice. The comment brought me to my senses though. I probably WAS wallowing. I probably WAS unhappy in that moment and probably WAS thinking that it was the fault of someone other than myself. Thank GOD my happiness is not dependent on the action or inaction of another whether it be my husband, my children, my friends, or my family. There is power and freedom in knowing that I determine whether or not I suck the marrow out of the day. I choose what reactions I take to the events that take place throughout the day. As previously stated, I'll be the first to admit that my reactions are NOT always what they should be, but I can change that. I know that happiness is always being served should I choose to grasp it.
You will show me the path of life; in your presence is fullness of joy.
Psalm 16:11
Jesus said, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
John 10:10
I was talking to a friend a while back and this friend asked how I was doing. I don't know what I said exactly, but I must have answered with a lack of enthusiasm that gave the impression that I was unhappy. The friend said "you know, you deserve to be happy and if you're not you need to go find what makes you happy." This friend knows both my husband and I and knows that we have been working through some rough spots in our marriage. I'm fairly certain this friend was referring to my marriage in the comment. I thought about the comment quite a bit and was saddened in knowing that there are countless marriages that are no more because someone went out to pursue "happiness" that wasn't seen in the marriage. Notice that I did not say wasn't IN the marriage, I said it wasn't SEEN in the marriage.
I am a guilty as anyone of falling for the notion that my husband should make me happy. If I'm not happy it's because my husband isn't meeting my needs, right? Don't think I haven't slumped over on occasion with that idea in my head. "If only my husband would to this, or wouldn't do that, I'd be happy." "If only he'd be a good spouse to me like I am to him!" (insert hysterical laughter here!!) What a crock of crap! What a bold faced lie straight from the father of lies himself. It is most certainly NOT my husbands responsibility to make me happy. Does he have responsibilities in our marriage relationship? Of course he does, but making sure that my feelings are warm and fuzzy is not one of them. My happiness, contentment and my joy is my responsibility alone. I could almost bring myself to tears thinking back on the resentments I have held tightly to in the past against my husband that I'm certain affected the happiness of us both in our marriage.
Wouldn't it be great though if we could blame our lack of happiness and joy on someone else? It sure would be easier that way. It would make walking out of a marriage a whole lot easier believing that your marriage will never be happy because of someone else. Oh the other hand, if my happiness was determined by what someone else did or didn't do what I sitting duck I'd feel like. I'd feel like little more than a puppet. Embracing the fact that joy and happiness are mine for the taking at any time and in any circumstance is empowering! Do people's actions affect us? Of course they do. There is no denying that we are uplifted by others and we are at times hurt by others and we do react, we are human after all. The difference is that we do not have to be bound by the feelings that our responses generate. We can, and I have....and unfortunately I have held on to those feelings for long periods of time. I can't change how I have reacted in the past, but I can change how I react now and in the future. No matter what the circumstances are there is always and forever a reason to get on knees and thank God for something.
I don't believe my friend meant any harm in the comment. My friend sensed pain and offered what was believed to be life giving advice. The comment brought me to my senses though. I probably WAS wallowing. I probably WAS unhappy in that moment and probably WAS thinking that it was the fault of someone other than myself. Thank GOD my happiness is not dependent on the action or inaction of another whether it be my husband, my children, my friends, or my family. There is power and freedom in knowing that I determine whether or not I suck the marrow out of the day. I choose what reactions I take to the events that take place throughout the day. As previously stated, I'll be the first to admit that my reactions are NOT always what they should be, but I can change that. I know that happiness is always being served should I choose to grasp it.
You will show me the path of life; in your presence is fullness of joy.
Psalm 16:11
Jesus said, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
John 10:10
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