If you're teaching and you know it clap your hands

We have a little house that is set back quite a way from the road.  In front of us is another house and we share a small portion of the driveway.  On most days (don't judge) I get the mail when I'm returning from an errand or something.  On some days I'll grab myself a handful of trail mix and trek down the driveway on foot, but admittedly that is not the norm. 

In the house in front of us there lives an elderly lady that has some dementia and she lives there with her daughter.  Nine times out of ten when she sees my van stop at the mailbox she bolts out of house and waves me down.  I stop and chat with her and she asks me the same questions day after day without fail.  Most days I happily chat with her and she truly is a very sweet lady.  There was a day not too long ago, however, that I just wasn't in the mood for the questions and I was tired and just wanted to get home.  When I got in the van I mumbled something like "oh boy, here we go."  Of course I stopped and chatted with her and then was on my way.  The exchange took all of 30 seconds. 

The next day I stopped to get the mail she started to come out, only this time it was Haylee that was mumbling "oh boy, here we go again."  You should have heard me back-peddling....or at least attempting to.  We stopped and chatted with her and I then had to have a little chat with Haylee to explain to her that my response was not very kind and was not an appropriate response. 

A few days ago when she greeted me on the way OUT of my driveway she asked me if I could pick her up a few coloring books from the dollar store.  She really enjoys coloring.  I told her that I would if I had time, but that I had a very busy day.  It was true...I had a lot of things to get done in a short amount of time and if you know me at all you know I don't handle that stress all that well!!  (understatement alert) 

I immediately felt a gentle nudge from God.  I knew without a doubt that I needed to find 5 minutes to pick her up a few coloring books.  I had Haylee with me, so I said, "Haylee, I think we should stop at the dollar store first.  Will you help me pick out some books for her?"  She was very excited.  A few minutes later she said to me "Mama, it's very nice of you to get some coloring books for her."  She humbled me.  We had a beautiful little chat about how simple acts of kindness can make a person's day very happy.  I was so thankful that I didn't miss this amazing moment to teach Haylee a little bit about kindness. 

I learned a few rather important things through this little scenerio.  The glaring lesson of course is that like it or not I am teaching all the time.  Good moments and bad....they are watching and learning. 

The other think that smacked me in the backside was that I need to be kind even when I'm not in the mood.  I call myself a Christian and I need to do my best to represent what it is I claim to believe.  I have an elderly mother who depends on others for her care.  Would I want people caring for her that were annoyed at having to do so?  Of course not.  I learned my lesson. 

I know that I have written about a similar topic not too long ago.....but if I'm being reminded of it again so soon, perhaps someone else could use a refresher too.  There are so many times that I am teaching and I don't know it.  I do know this for a fact, however.....if I'm teaching it....I'd better live it too. 

Let your YES be YES. (and sometimes let your NO be YES)

This blog may be a bit challenging to write.  I want to be careful to be loving and respectful of someone I love very much.  Please keep this in mind.

I had a very peaceful, uneventful childhood for the most part.  I had parents who loved each other and loved all of their children very much.  I do recall several instances though that at the time were very disappointing for a child.  When I was young I really thought my mother's favorite word was "No."  Then after a while I decided that her favorite words were "It's not necessary."   My sister and I joke about it quite often since she heard the phrase more times that she could count as well.  Again, I must say that I am not trying to speak negatively of my mother, who I know fully in my heart loved me very much.  As an adult now I am able to see much more clearly what she must have been going through.  She had 6 children.  3 teenagers, (pause 9 years), then a 3 year old, a 1 year old and then a newborn.  She had her hands full.  She was tired.  Every parent is different and we all make mistakes or look back on things we would do differently if we could.   Anyway...the bottom line is that it was my perception, be it right or wrong, that I was often told "no."   Also....I detest the phrase "it's not necessary." 

On the other end of the spectrum, I have an amazing friend, Michelle, who has been my very closest friend for over 20 years.  I love her, admire her and respect her more than words can express.  She is a very gifted therapeutic preschool teacher.  Over the years we have had countless conversations about our childhoods, in the past 7 years we have had countless conversations about her classroom and the challenges that she faces, and the challenges I have faced with getting the hang of this whole parenting thing.  Michelle has taught me SO many things over the years and she has definitely helped me to be a better mother.  One thing that she has taught me that I recall often is the way she describes how she interacts with her students.  She said that she does her best to say "yes" as often as she can.  She used examples of how to avoid using the word "no" by offering other suggestions.  As an example, if her student wants to play in the mud, but that isn't allowed, then she will offer other similar fun activities such as "well, how about we play in the sandbox and make a tower?"  Here are some of her words that have been been branded into my brain.  During a conversation one day she said, "when a child asks me if they can do something I ask myself, 'what will it hurt?'."  "If it's something that won't hurt anything, then I try to say yes."

I honestly do try to remember that concept...isn't it great?  It truly is great, but it isn't always easy to put into practice.  Someday I really am going to count how many questions and requests I get in a day.  I believe the tally would be staggering. 

In further honesty, sometimes I just don't have the energy to say yes.  There you have it.  There are times I say no because I just don't feel like it.  We have all been there, and sometimes the answer HAS to be no because though THEY can run 24-7, WE can not.

Last night at around 9:30 (please no lectures about late bedtime) Kerrington came upstairs with her arms chuck full of books for me to read her right as I was about to crawl into my favorite spot on my bed and watch my favorite guilty pleasure on TV. (Bachelorette, or course)  There it was.  Right then and there I had a choice to make.  I could have easily sent her back downstairs for bedtime.  Michelle's words popped into my brain..."what will it hurt?"  I paused my show and she crawled up into my bed and we read the stack of books not once, but twice.  Guess what?  It didn't hurt.  It didn't hurt at all.  Sitting here typing this I have a little smile on my face remembering her little face as she listened to me read.  Reading to Kerrington at that moment WAS absolutely necessary. 

I so wish I got more of those moments right.  Regretfully I have missed many, but thankfully there are millions more of those moments to come and I'm going to do my very best to embrace all of them that I can. 

It not wrong to tell your child no.  Sometimes it is "necessary" to say no...but sometimes it's so very necessary to say "Yes." 





 

Splish, Splash!! (This was NOTHING like a bath)

One challenge that every parent of school aged children has during the summer is finding adequate ways of entertaining (aka: adequately exhausting) the children.  We'll just be walking in the door from an activity and Haylee will ask me "Mama, are we going to go somewhere today?"  It can make one nutty.  On Saturday Brian and I were brainstorming activities that would be fun for everyone.  Many of the ideas were a few hours away, and since we were brainstorming a little late for that we settled on the Splashdown Water Park in Manassas.  For many reasons this was not my favorite choice, but it was an overwhelming hit with the girls. 

My confession.  I deal with an obnoxious battle with anxiety.  Anyone who deals with anxiety to any degree knows that it comes and goes; many times with no real rhyme or reason.  As I pictured myself walking around a crowded waterpark in a bathing suit I wasn't necessarily comfortable in it started to hit me.  I started getting touchy.  I was annoyed that I couldn't find towels.  I was annoyed that I couldn't find a beach bag.  I was annoyed that I couldn't find the sunscreen, then when we got into the car I was annoyed that the air conditioner was blowing on me!!!  I was uncomfortable and edgy and admittedly very anxious. 

Brian bought me a mug that says "life begins at the end of your comfort zone."  I joke that even drinking coffee out of that mug makes me uncomfortable.  You want to know where my comfort zone is?  My bed.  I love my bed.  Since I was a teenager I have loved my bed.  I did my homework on my bed.  I talked on the phone on my bed.  I wrote hundreds of poems on my bed.  I think I've probably typed a few hundred appraisals on my bed.  You know what though?  There is no life tucked all comfy on my bed. 

So, there you have it.  I was on my way to a water park with two extremely excited little girls doing my very best to put my annoying anxiety behind me and enjoy my family and a fun new experience with my littles.

We got to the water park and because it wasn't a crazy hot day it honestly wasn't very crowded, but it was still too crowded for my taste.  I was still anxious....but every time I would look at my little girls' faces with their priceless smiles and squeals of delight it was easy to forget about myself.  They had so much fun on the water slides that were just their size, we all took a few trips around the lazy river and Kerrington was very proud of her "swimming" in 2 feet of water.  It truly was an amazing day. 

I wish I could say that pursuing "life" always wins, but that would be a lie.  There are days when the anxiety wins.  However, everytime I'm able to break through the anxiety it loses its power.  So much of the battle is in the mind.  When I'm able to remember all that comes with a little discomfort I feel a little more brave. 

The water park was definitely outside of my comfort zone, and I found life there. 

It's a Bug's Life

We live on a 2.3 acre lot.  It's not huge, but it's a nice size for little girls to explore.  It's nice to be able to kick them outside and know that they will eventually find something to entertain them.  The other day I was watching my 5 year old running around the yard.  I'd look out and she'd be in one spot, then the next time I looked she was on the other side of the yard.  Every few minutes she would holler for me in totally excitement.  "Mama!!!!!  Look what I found!!!" Sometimes it would be a little caterpillar or slug, sometimes it was squirmy little worm (again...we get a lot of those).  It really doesn't matter if it's something that she had found before, today is a new day and a new worm is just plain exciting.  I watched her for a while as she popped from tree to tree, or from rock to rock looking carefully in anticipation of what she might find.  It didn't bother her if it took a while to make a discovery...she knew that if she searched long enough she wouldn't be disappointed.  I don't think she knew exactly what she was looking for, but she knew to expect something, and that was enough to keep her going and it was enough to keep her search strong.  I can tell you, she has never been disappointed.

I started to think about what it means to search with expectation.  I wondered how things might be different for me if I opened up my Bible and searched the way Kerrington searched our yard for treasures.  What if I was to open the Word with expectation not knowing what I would find, but fully trusting that I would find something exciting.  What if I opened my Bible believing with all my heart that I would find treasures and that I would not be disappointed.  

Kerrington COULD kick through the yard and declare that there's nothing there.  She doesn't though because she KNOWS there are all sorts of surprises if she keeps looking.

I know that there have been times that I've gone to my Bible and closed it again in disappointment because I didn't immediately find exactly what I was looking for.  Kerrington has reminded me that the treasures ARE there and when I open my Bible with expectation I will never be disappointed.  Neither will you.  

Psalm 119:105
Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.

Psalm 119:130
The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple.

Dad

This will be a short blog.  It's a day to honor Fathers and I was incredibly blessed to have a dad that showered me with love and affection and taught by example.  He loved the LORD with all his heart and that was probably the best gift of all.  I just wanted to jot down a poem I wrote for my dad back in 2003.  My dad passed away in 1997.  Here is what I wrote for him.  

Can you believe it has been so long?
Six years, how time does fly,
So many questions constantly circle my mind
Although I'm no longer asking "why"?
God had His reasons for calling you home
I can't blame him, that's for sure.
Though I needed you here with me
Perhaps He needed a heart that was pure.

Still I wonder how you are
I'll bet you're still singing every day.
No one louder, no one prouder,
No one to steal your joy away.
I wish one more smile was aimed at me
What I'd give to hold your hand once more,
I'm saving up a special hug
For when I'm at Heaven's door.

Daddy, how much of me can you see?
Do my failures make you cry?
How I long to make you proud,
Do you see how hard I try?
Sometimes I forget the things you taught
And I make the same mistakes.
But I'll get up and keep fighting
I'll get this, no matter how long it takes.

Sometimes it feels like yesterday
Although I know it's been years,
Sometimes I'm strong as I remember you
Other times I fall to my knees in tears.
You'd think it would get easier
They say in time all wounds will heal
But time shows me clearer all I've lost
And again the pain becomes so real.

You left me will a heart so full
The tears are followed by a smile
We'll be together for eternity
In just a little while.

JEM 2/5/03

Carl Miller, you have never left my heart and you never will.  Thank you for loving me for every second of the 27 years we had together.  I'll see you when I get home.  

Love it or list it

Forgive me if this post is a little longer than some...but I promise it's not about my arm!!!  

3 years ago Brian and I bought our house.  At the time we were house shopping we wanted a bigger yard for our then 2 and 3 year old girls to play. We wanted a manageable mortgage, so we ended up buying a house on the small side.  We knew this would be an adjustment in a lot of ways, but decided that the pros outweighed the cons.  Our house sits on 2.3 acres just a few miles outside of Warrenton, so we have a little house in the woods, but can still be to the grocery store in less than 5 minutes.  It had a play set on the property...bonus.  It has a nice fire pit for bonfires and roasting marshmallows....bonus!  It has a HUGE over sized garage with a media room above it...BONUS!!!  The little house is really charming and cozy, but the kitchen is ridiculously small and the eating area is really cramped.  When you walk into the house you walk right into the tiny kitchen, so there is no place to put keys or a purse..and as you can imagine shoes can pile up in a hurry, which I love.  (not)  The master bedroom is a decent size but there is one tiny closet which doesn't even fit Brian's work clothes...so we have clothes racks in the spare bedroom for his extra clothes and all of mine.  

When we first moved in we were just so excited to be in "our" house again.  It took a little living for the problems to show themselves.  The tiny kitchen soon became a real pain.  The counters were always full of things because there was simply no room for anything.  Walking in the door with groceries and tripping over shoes got old really quickly.  Trying to make a piece of toast was a process because it required more than a little rearranging of "stuff".   Making a meal was a huge production and always resulted in disappointment because there was no room for little "helpers" at all.  I was constantly tripping over a child, a cat, a husband or myself.   It was next to impossible to keep the kitchen floor clean because we have a gravel driveway and of course when it's rainy or snowy it's muddy...so even though shoes came off there was often a big smear of mud in front of the door.  Cleaning it up was easy....but only lasted until the next person came into the door.  

Fast forward 2.5 years.  I was in all honesty done with the house.  Tired of being so cramped in the spaces that we used the most.  Tired of a yard that required so much to keep up.  With Brian having a lengthy commute you can imagine how excited he was to come home and spend an entire weekend mowing and weed whacking.   I was ready to move.  I was more than vocal about my frustrations and after a while either Brian was feeling the same frustrations or he was really tired of hearing from me, because he was ready to move too.  

We decided that moving was the plan.  I started looking around at houses (being a real estate appraiser for 12 years, this was really fun for me)  We packed up 3/4 of our things in preparation for putting the house on the market.  We cleaned, we buffed, we shined, we painted and we were ready.  At the same time, I was becoming more interested in a show on HGTV called "love it or list it".  I was amazed at the transformations.  These houses that clearly did not work and were not functional were suddenly the perfect home for these families.  It just took a little work and some imagination.  I pitched the idea of fixing up our house to Brian with a hesitant "what if".  Honestly, I was not convinced I wanted to stay.  My idea was met with a big fat "no way!".   We had looked at a few homes and we did find what we thought was the perfect home for us.  It was bigger, it was better, nice neighborhood, good schools, the house backed to open space.  It was easy to fall in love with the house when we were living in a house of frustration.  We were both in love with the possibility of this new house.  We could both see ourselves there.  The only problem was that bigger and better comes at a price.  Bigger house = bigger mortgage.  Since I do the bills, I sat down and worked some numbers.  Could we afford it?  Well....yes....but we wouldn't have a lot left over for many extras.  Without a doubt the house was beautiful, but was it worth it?  As intoxicated as I was with the house I started to get a little concerned.  I soon realized that my "concern" was God tapping me on the shoulder telling me to slow down.

We had a contractor at the house fixing up a few little things and I had a few conversations about what it would take to make the kitchen functional.  I made some phone calls about construction loans, refinances, equity loans, etc.  After slowing down a little Brian and I both came to the realization that maybe this house COULD work for us.  

If I am standing in my kitchen refusing to look at anything but the kitchen that I know full well doesn't work of course I'm going to be frustrated and dissatisfied.  No one would argue that it is tiny and doesn't work for a family of 5.  However....when I go out to my beautiful office that looks out to my beautiful bird garden I can see that there are some really great things about our house.  There IS a lot to love about our house, but we were so focused on what didn't work we couldn't appreciate what did work.  Tear down a few walls and fix what is broken and we will have a new house.

Marriage:  Love him or ditch him

(Let me be clear...I am not thinking about ditching my husband....this is just to go along with the title.)   Brian and I have been married for almost 9 years. We have a good marriage, but we have a "tiny kitchen" area of our marriage that simply doesn't work.  To be honest it's frustrating to both of us.  Just like the tiny kitchen in my house, if I focus only on the "tiny kitchen" in our relationship I will because frustrated and dissatisfied, and so would Brian. There have been times when I have focused solely on it, and it's not fun. Where's the hope in that?  Do I ditch my marriage because a part of it isn't working properly?  Well, some do. They find a new (seemingly) beautiful bigger better house and jump at it thinking the problems will be in the past, but at what price?  Bigger better houses have problems too.  All houses have problems.  They need to be maintained or the problems get bigger. Marriages have problems.  They need to be maintained or the problems get bigger. Brian and I have a "tiny kitchen", but beyond that there is so much to love.  What will it take to fix it?  Well, some walls need to be torn down between us too.  We probably need to check our foundation and make sure it is solid and build from there.   Our "tiny kitchen" can be fixed, but it will require both of us picking up a hammer and being willing to tear down some walls that are keeping our marriage from functioning as it should. 

Our house is not fixed yet, but today when I pull up to my house I can't wait to go inside.  I know what it can and will be and I'm excited about the transformation.  It will take some time and effort, and I'm sure the demolition will not be fun, but it's necessary to get the results we want.  Brian and I are not fixed yet either, but I look at our marriage with affection and love because I know what it can and will be and I'm excited about the transformation.  Fixing us will take some time and effort too, and I'm sure some demolition needs to take place that won't be fun, but this is also necessary to get the results we want.  I'm not giving up on my house, and I'm not giving up on my marriage.   I'm gonna love them both on purpose.    

Lions and Tigers and BEARS, OH MY!!!

True story.  Last Saturday late afternoon my stepson and his friend were playing video games in the basement when they looked out the window and saw a huge black bear walking past heading for my bird feeders.  Being a teenagers dream come true, they chased him away.  It made their day for sure.  LB told me about the bear and said that it was big.  In my mind I thought for sure he was exaggerating, you know, sort of like a fish story.  

4 days later I was heading to my office, which is about 20 feet from the house, and I saw what I assume was the same bear in my bird garden and he WAS huge.  My girls were outside playing in the same area about 30 minutes before this....so I was not happy.  I turned all Mama grizzly on big blacky.  I started waving my one arm that I COULD flap like crazy and started yelling at him to get out of my yard.  He lumbered off to the side of the yard and stopped.   That was not good enough for me.  I wanted him gone, so what was I to do? I chased him of course.  He must have decided not to mess with the one armed crazy lady with the big mouth, because he ran off into the woods.  

Yesterday I was enjoying a cup of coffee watching my little birds.  Knowing that there is a big bear eyeing my feeders wasn't going to keep me from my favorite spot....but I had my cane by my side, you know, just in case.  

Believe it or not, having that cane within arms reach somehow made me feel a little safer out there.  How crazy is that?  Was a cane REALLY going to protect me from a 400 pound bear if he had his mind made up to cause me harm? Um....no.  

Do you REALLY think that that bear was "frightened" by a crazy lady yelling and waving an arm?  Ha, well...maybe.  Kidding.  That bear simply didn't want to deal with me.  He just wanted a snack and wasn't looking for any trouble. If he wanted to harm me all he had to do was turn around towards me instead of into the woods and I would have been a scooby snack.  I wouldn't have stood a chance.  I was defenseless.  I'm weak...I only have one arm working and he wouldn't have to be a bear to be faster than me.  

I chased a bear out of my yard.  Yes.  That is true...but I know that probably wasn't the smartest thing to do.  I don't suddenly believe I have the ability to stand up to bears.

Being the thinky mom that I can be, this got me to thinking.  You know....Satan can be a lot like that bear.  Sometimes he will "give" us a few victories so that we are under the illusion that we have the strength to fight against him alone.  He deceives us into thinking we can handle things on our own without reinforcements.  Know what he does then?  Instead of running into the woods he runs toward us and we are toast.  Yup.  On our own we don't stand a chance.  

Satan is sneaky and he knows our weaknesses.  He studies us and knows exactly where and when to strike.  The great thing is that we NEVER have to go into battle alone.  We have the full armor of God available to us at all times, 24/7. Satan might be brave enough to fight a one armed crazy lady with a big mouth, but even he knows better than to mess with the Almighty.  

If you are going up against a bear, don't take a cane.  If you are going up against Satan, take the LORD and let him go to battle for you.


"Put on the whole armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."
Ephesians 6:11 

"Who is this King of glory?  The Lord strong and mighty, the Lord mighty in battle."
Psalm 24:8