To the Wolves???

So, again it's been a while since I've written.  One good thing about going a while is that I have lots of blog ideas brewing.  On June 25th I had to put my beloved cat, Gus, down.  It was by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do and to say it broke my heart is an understatement.  I did a lot of my writing in my little office and more times than not he was my writing companion.  I find it hard to be there without being overwhelmed by an aching heart.  I sit here in my living room typing, but I will eventually make my way back to my little haven. 

Today there is something heavy on my heart.  I'm still processing it, but I thought maybe writing would help a bit.  Much to my disbelief, my baby girl who I JUST gave birth to is five years old.  She is starting Kindergarten in a few short weeks.  I put off registering her because I just couldn't bring myself to do it for some reasons I knew, and some I'm just realizing.  Brian and I both went to private schools for the majority of our school years.  I went to a private Christian School until 10th grade.  We had discussed school and agreed that our desire was for our children to get a Christian based education. However, with my business being flushed down the toilet with the economy and having to recover from some financial hardships, private school is just not an option for us at this time.  So, since I'm quite confident homeschooling would be a disaster, we are left with public school.   Please don't misunderstand, I'm not trying to trash public schools, I would simply prefer a smaller class size and strongly desire a Christian education for Haylee. 

I walked into the school office fighting back tears.  I filled out all the paperwork and handed it all in to the very nice office secretary who assured me my daughter would be thrilled with her new school.  As I returned to my car all I could think of was that I just threw my daughter to the wolves.  (Keep in mind that homeschooling her would be throwing her to a wolverine....which would be me)  I kept going over in my mind the reasons I was finding this so hard.  I'm sure that all mothers go through this to some degree when then send their firstborn off to school for the first time.  I'm sure some of my reluctance is just the unknown.  I'm sure part of it is wondering if as parents we have done all we could to prepare her for this next phase of her life.  Certainly there are questions.

Will the other children be nice to her?
Will she be nice to other children?
Will she have the strength to stand up for herself?
Will she be kind and considerate?
Will she come home happy and excited, or sad and brokenhearted? (she is a very sensitive young girl)

There are so many questions and I won't have the answers until she is off to school. 

On top of these questions and concerns, I realized that there is another underlying reason I'm so very hesitant to send her to public school.  I was in a very small Christian school until 10th grade.  I didn't have to deal with clicks, I wasn't ridiculed because of my clothes or my hair as a young girl (but MAN...let me tell you...I would have been a target to say the least).  I really don't know what a public elementary school is like.  I DO however, know what a public high school is like.  Going into a new high school in 10th grade as the new kid with crazy short hair, not even a cool pair of socks and no friends was not easy.  No one was mean to me, but I just sort of existed.  I wanted more than anything to be liked by the "cool" kids, but they already had their groups formed.  I did find some good friends and I'm very thankful for the girls that did embrace me, but it wasn't easy for a fragile 15 year old. 

I'm seeing that so much of my concern stems from my public school experience.  Haylee is 5, not 15.  Her experience will be completely different from mine.  I'm sure she will come across some girls or boys that are not nice to her, and I'm sure there will be times when she is not very nice to some other girls or boys.  I'm sure there will be days that she DOES come home brokenhearted.  When she does I will hold her and love her.  I'm sure there will be days that she comes home happy and excited about friends and learning.  When she does I will be happy with her and love her.  There will be days that she comes home frustrated and tired.  I will encourage her and love her.  There will be days that she comes home and tells me that she wasn't very nice to someone.  I will correct her and love her. 

The main point is that I'm seeing that I can't control the circumstances, but I can control how I react to them.  She has to live life and she has to have experiences both good and bad.  Part of my job as a parent is to teach her how to navigate through all the experiences.  I can't shelter her, that is not teaching her and it is not strengthening her.  It's my job to help her grow into a responsible, caring adult. 

This parenting thing is not easy.  There is a part of me that DOES just want to hug her and protect her all the days of her life!!!  I DON'T want her to be hurt, I don't want her to be sad or broken hearted.  Who wants to watch their child hurt?   When they hand you your new baby in the hospital they are so tiny and frail.  They are so dependent and needy.  Then you blink and they are little people.  Little people that have to live life.  Life hurts sometimes as wonderful as it is.  I pray more than anything that I can help to teach my girls how wonderful life is even when you are kicking a wolf away from your pant leg.