There are so many things to love about Christmas. Snow, Christmas lights, anticipation of gifts, and of course there is the main reason we remember Christmas...the birth of our Savior. I'm not going to go on about the obvious appeal of this day. I wanted to share something.
In 1996, I was living in Maryland and went home to New York for Christmas to celebrate with my family as always. It was a great time with the family and although I don't have many clear memories about the day there are a few things that I recall with vivid clarity. Christmas Eve that year I went with my mom and dad to the Salmon Run Mall to get a few last minute things. I don't remember what we bought, but I remember walking through the mall next to my dad when he suddenly grabbed my hand and held it as we walked from store to store. I don't remember the temperature that day, but being that it was December in NY I'm sure it was cold....but my heart was filled with such warmth with that loving gesture from my dad. Thankfully I wasn't embarrassed that my dad wanted to hold my hand....I embraced it.
This moment was especially memorable because that Christmas was the last time I saw my father. How precious it is that holding his hand is one of the last memories I have of that wonderful guy!
I wrote this poem sometime after my father passed away.
"THE GOODBYE"
The holiday had ended
The festivities were through
You stood at the door, just as before
As I waved goodbye to you.
The goodbye was not forever
The road home was never long,
Soon again I'd be on my way
To the place I'd always belong.
The goodbye was not forever
But it was goodbye from this place
For the Lord had called you home
To see Him face to face.
Words can't say how much I miss you,
But how could I wish you back with me
You're in the arms of our Savior
Where we all so long to be.
For you the festivities have begun
You're no longer standing at the door
Your journey home was not so long
Now you're with your Savior evermore.
Our goodbye was not forever
Together again we will be
In the place where someday I'll belong
Where you'll wave hello to me.
JEM
About Me
- Who I am: Janiece
- I'm a wife and mom of a 19 year old stepson and 2 little girls ages 5 and almost 7. I was a self-employed real estate appraiser for 12 years and am ready to turn the page and Lord willing go back to school and see what God has next for me. Certainly my highest priority is to attempt to keep the house in order for my dear husband and to savor all the moments I can with my little ones that are growing entirely too fast.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Depression 202- A few more thoughts
A few days ago I wrote a post about depression and how I was dealing with a bout of it. I have to be honest and say that I really did not intend to write about something so personal on such a public forum. I sat down to write because it had been a while and I almost instantly felt like God was whispering in my ear that I needed to share my struggle. I said OK and began to write. I was a little uneasy with it for a nanosecond, but as I started to write I knew that I was doing what God was asking me to do and any reservations I had were swept away.
I was overwhelmed by the responses that I got from the post. I certainly do not say that to be boastful in anyway whatsoever, it is simply confirmation that God had a purpose for me sharing my pain. So many people struggle with depression and the sad thing is that even with all the progress we've made in regards to depression we still tend to feel shameful if we do struggle with it and for some reason we often quickly equate it with failure.
My first experience with depression was back in 1997. I was 27 years old and I had a very close relationship with my father. He went into the hospital for knee replacement surgery and soon after the procedure had a blood clot go to his brain and he passed away 2 days later. My world was never the same. I seemed to keep it together for about 6 months and then it was like the rug of life was ripped out from underneath me and I sank deeper and deeper into a pit of despair. I was young and was sure I would snap out of it at any time, so I didn't seek any help. Nothing seemed to bring joy, I was void of emotion. I could sleep for 24 hours straight and often did. I then became more and more anxious and was unable to go into public places without having panic attacks. I couldn't be in the middle of a room because people surrounding me terrified me. I went to the grocery store at 1 am to avoid people and going to church wasn't even an option. Thankfully I had a friend who also suffered from depression and he finally convinced me that I needed help. I went to the doctor and was put on an anti-depressant and began seeing a counselor. I wasn't better instantly, but after a while I was able to smile. I found joy. I found life. I was finally able to go about life as I was before. Things were different, but I was able to engage in each day as God intends us to. Thankfully after about a year I was able to say good-bye to the medication.
I give that history for this reason. A few years after all of that I was attending a church and started a class called "self-confrontation". I didn't get very far in the class. The very first night the instructor went on a tangent about depression and was declaring that depression was nothing but a lack of faith in God and that medications taken for depression were completely uncalled for and unnecessary. Needless to say I didn't go back to the class. I was sad for the ignorance of the instructor and very thankful that I was secure enough in my faith to know that what he was saying was a crock of nonsense. Are depression medications misused and over-prescribed? I'm sure they are. Do some people use the medications as a band-aid and refuse to get any other help? I'm sure there are. I have to say, however, that I am extremely thankful for medication that helped me get through a very difficult time. I also know for a fact that there are people with chemical imbalances that are absolutely helped by medications.
Having suffered through depression, my heart bleeds for others in the struggle. As I type this my eyes are tearing up just thinking about the incredible women who responded to my previous post that are struggling right now and are probably longing for comfort and maybe don't have the strength to ask, or perhaps they just don't know how to ask for what they need or don't even know what they need. Sounds crazy doesn't it? Welcome to the world of depression.
You know....depression certainly is not new. Ever read through the book of Psalms? Here are just a few people in the Bible that suffered through times of depression: Abraham (Genesis 15), Jonah, (Jonah 4), Job (entire book of Job), Elijah (1 Kings 19), Jeremiah (entire book of Jeremiah), and perhaps the most well known, David (numerous Psalms) . If you read the circumstances surrounding these characters you'll see that in some cases you can understand the resulting depression, other times it is a mystery. Proverbs 18:14 asks "who can bear a broken spirit? I'll tell you that we can't. We aren't meant to. Ever wonder why there are so many names given to our great Savior? He is called the Good Shepherd because he cares for us and watches over us and does not slumber. He is called the Great Physician because He can heal us when we are broken, and that includes a broken spirit. He is called the Prince of Peace because there are times when that is what we need the most. Peace.
My friends. We will get through these times. Pray for me and I will pray for you. Let each of remember that we are held and He will never let go.
I was overwhelmed by the responses that I got from the post. I certainly do not say that to be boastful in anyway whatsoever, it is simply confirmation that God had a purpose for me sharing my pain. So many people struggle with depression and the sad thing is that even with all the progress we've made in regards to depression we still tend to feel shameful if we do struggle with it and for some reason we often quickly equate it with failure.
My first experience with depression was back in 1997. I was 27 years old and I had a very close relationship with my father. He went into the hospital for knee replacement surgery and soon after the procedure had a blood clot go to his brain and he passed away 2 days later. My world was never the same. I seemed to keep it together for about 6 months and then it was like the rug of life was ripped out from underneath me and I sank deeper and deeper into a pit of despair. I was young and was sure I would snap out of it at any time, so I didn't seek any help. Nothing seemed to bring joy, I was void of emotion. I could sleep for 24 hours straight and often did. I then became more and more anxious and was unable to go into public places without having panic attacks. I couldn't be in the middle of a room because people surrounding me terrified me. I went to the grocery store at 1 am to avoid people and going to church wasn't even an option. Thankfully I had a friend who also suffered from depression and he finally convinced me that I needed help. I went to the doctor and was put on an anti-depressant and began seeing a counselor. I wasn't better instantly, but after a while I was able to smile. I found joy. I found life. I was finally able to go about life as I was before. Things were different, but I was able to engage in each day as God intends us to. Thankfully after about a year I was able to say good-bye to the medication.
I give that history for this reason. A few years after all of that I was attending a church and started a class called "self-confrontation". I didn't get very far in the class. The very first night the instructor went on a tangent about depression and was declaring that depression was nothing but a lack of faith in God and that medications taken for depression were completely uncalled for and unnecessary. Needless to say I didn't go back to the class. I was sad for the ignorance of the instructor and very thankful that I was secure enough in my faith to know that what he was saying was a crock of nonsense. Are depression medications misused and over-prescribed? I'm sure they are. Do some people use the medications as a band-aid and refuse to get any other help? I'm sure there are. I have to say, however, that I am extremely thankful for medication that helped me get through a very difficult time. I also know for a fact that there are people with chemical imbalances that are absolutely helped by medications.
Having suffered through depression, my heart bleeds for others in the struggle. As I type this my eyes are tearing up just thinking about the incredible women who responded to my previous post that are struggling right now and are probably longing for comfort and maybe don't have the strength to ask, or perhaps they just don't know how to ask for what they need or don't even know what they need. Sounds crazy doesn't it? Welcome to the world of depression.
You know....depression certainly is not new. Ever read through the book of Psalms? Here are just a few people in the Bible that suffered through times of depression: Abraham (Genesis 15), Jonah, (Jonah 4), Job (entire book of Job), Elijah (1 Kings 19), Jeremiah (entire book of Jeremiah), and perhaps the most well known, David (numerous Psalms) . If you read the circumstances surrounding these characters you'll see that in some cases you can understand the resulting depression, other times it is a mystery. Proverbs 18:14 asks "who can bear a broken spirit? I'll tell you that we can't. We aren't meant to. Ever wonder why there are so many names given to our great Savior? He is called the Good Shepherd because he cares for us and watches over us and does not slumber. He is called the Great Physician because He can heal us when we are broken, and that includes a broken spirit. He is called the Prince of Peace because there are times when that is what we need the most. Peace.
My friends. We will get through these times. Pray for me and I will pray for you. Let each of remember that we are held and He will never let go.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Depression 101
I am in no way, shape or form a medical expert on anything, however, having been through a bought or two of depression I feel I can lend of few words of comfort to my fellow friends who struggle with it, and perhaps a word or two of wisdom to those who stand by loved ones who are struggling. Those of you who have been reading my blog have probably noticed that I haven't written anything in a while. Big surprise, I've been struggling with a bit of depression. It's not fun. On top of feeling like I'm living life underwater gasping for a breath just to be sucked down by another wave, there is the overwhelming feeling of guilt for all that I'm not being to the ones I love. By the end of the week I'm so completely exhausted from faking it I just want to sleep for 3 days straight, and believe me, I could. Everyone deals with the struggle differently, for me there is nothing more blessed than sleep because the pain is gone and the brain turns off. There is peace.
I would like to consider myself a somewhat intelligent woman. That being the case (at least I hope), being depressed is especially frustrating. It doesn't make sense, it really doesn't. I have a body that is healthy, it's not perfect, but it's healthy, I have a husband that loves me and works very hard to provide for our family, I have two beautiful healthy little girls, a stepson that I genuinely adore, I have a house that I love and am surrounded by good friends and a loving family. WHY in the world would I be depressed? Trust me, I want to punch myself in the face just thinking about it! I hate that I don't have the energy to care for my house the way I should, that I want to cry at the smallest incident, that I'm not being the interactive mommy that I should and that I'm not being the wife that I should be to my husband. It's incredibly frustrating that I am even unable to reach out to God as I should for the help that He longs to give me. I feel as if I'm frozen. All I can say to God is that I'm stuck. Thankfully He already knows that. I feel like I'm in a pit...and although I feel alone, I know that I am most certainly not alone. I know that I'm being held. He is not going to shake me telling me to snap out of it...He's going to hold me and love me until I'm ready to stand and then He's going to take me by the hand and help me up and walk me to where I need to be. He will refresh me.
Until that time...here are some things NEVER to say to someone in a struggle with depression. Think these things all you want, but please never let the words pass through your lips.
1. You need to pray harder.
2. Snap out of it.
3. Just get over it.
4. What do you have to be depressed about?
5. That's nothing to be depressed about.
Sadly...I have been told or asked all of these things, and I imagine other that have struggled have heard the same things or similar things. I know how frustrating it is to deal with someone in depression, but words really aren't going to help someone up. Actions might. There are no magic words that will heal someone in the struggle. It's so tempting to try words though, isn't it? Please just bear with us and know that the fight is on.
So...on a side note. In addition to neglecting my family, I have lately neglected my little birds outside too. I ran out of seeds and just haven't refilled their feeders. It has been at least a week since I fed them and as I was refilling the feeders today there was not a bird in sight. I was sad and wondered how long it would take for them to come back. Thankfully, I didn't have to wait long. Before long I heard some really loud calls that I swear sounded a lot like "come and get it" in bird talk. I now sit here watching my brood of chirpities. They are not angry with me, they are just glad that I'm back.
I can only hope my friends have the same response. I haven't been a very good friend. I haven't been filling up my friend-feeders either with loving calls and texts and visits. I pray that they understand and are just happy to see me when I'm ready to resurface.
I would like to consider myself a somewhat intelligent woman. That being the case (at least I hope), being depressed is especially frustrating. It doesn't make sense, it really doesn't. I have a body that is healthy, it's not perfect, but it's healthy, I have a husband that loves me and works very hard to provide for our family, I have two beautiful healthy little girls, a stepson that I genuinely adore, I have a house that I love and am surrounded by good friends and a loving family. WHY in the world would I be depressed? Trust me, I want to punch myself in the face just thinking about it! I hate that I don't have the energy to care for my house the way I should, that I want to cry at the smallest incident, that I'm not being the interactive mommy that I should and that I'm not being the wife that I should be to my husband. It's incredibly frustrating that I am even unable to reach out to God as I should for the help that He longs to give me. I feel as if I'm frozen. All I can say to God is that I'm stuck. Thankfully He already knows that. I feel like I'm in a pit...and although I feel alone, I know that I am most certainly not alone. I know that I'm being held. He is not going to shake me telling me to snap out of it...He's going to hold me and love me until I'm ready to stand and then He's going to take me by the hand and help me up and walk me to where I need to be. He will refresh me.
Until that time...here are some things NEVER to say to someone in a struggle with depression. Think these things all you want, but please never let the words pass through your lips.
1. You need to pray harder.
2. Snap out of it.
3. Just get over it.
4. What do you have to be depressed about?
5. That's nothing to be depressed about.
Sadly...I have been told or asked all of these things, and I imagine other that have struggled have heard the same things or similar things. I know how frustrating it is to deal with someone in depression, but words really aren't going to help someone up. Actions might. There are no magic words that will heal someone in the struggle. It's so tempting to try words though, isn't it? Please just bear with us and know that the fight is on.
So...on a side note. In addition to neglecting my family, I have lately neglected my little birds outside too. I ran out of seeds and just haven't refilled their feeders. It has been at least a week since I fed them and as I was refilling the feeders today there was not a bird in sight. I was sad and wondered how long it would take for them to come back. Thankfully, I didn't have to wait long. Before long I heard some really loud calls that I swear sounded a lot like "come and get it" in bird talk. I now sit here watching my brood of chirpities. They are not angry with me, they are just glad that I'm back.
I can only hope my friends have the same response. I haven't been a very good friend. I haven't been filling up my friend-feeders either with loving calls and texts and visits. I pray that they understand and are just happy to see me when I'm ready to resurface.
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