Hurricanes

I have to admit that I don't really know much about hurricanes.  I have read about them, seen pictures of the devastation they cause and have listened to countless hours of news coverage on them when and after a sizable one has descended upon a sitting duck of a town or city.  They are powerful, relentless and unstoppable.  There is not way to avoid one that is coming your way.  There really are only 2 choices:  run like crazy for safety or stay and try to weather the storm and pray you survive.  Technology is amazing these days, isn't it?  They can tell days ahead if a storm is headed in a direction.  Certainly storms shift and sometimes the look worse than they really are, and sometimes they appear fairly harmless and turn out to be anything but that.  Storms are upgraded and downgraded all the time.  I don't live in an area that is a hot spot for hurricanes, but I can imagine that those living in southern Florida or areas along the east coast are more than thankful that in most cases they have ample warning of a storm that's brewing. 

You know, a bought of depression is not unlike a hurricane in many ways.  Sometimes you have warning, sometimes you don't.  Sometimes it seems big but loses it's power, and sometimes it doesn't look big and all and WHAM!   I've never tried to sit through a hurricane.  I've had several dreams about tornadoes and tsunamis and they were incredibly vivid, but certainly a dream doesn't come close to actually experiencing the power of a hurricane up close and personal.  I have, however, weathered a depression storm or two, and that is no joke either.  I have sat in the eye of a hurricane of depression holding my hands over my head listening to the howls of each gust of wind just begging for God to keep me safe and see me through only half believing that I'd make it through.  I have found myself in midst of the storm wondering how in the world I missed the warning siren yet again.  How do I keep ending up in this place?  I don't have the answer.  All I can say is that in the midst of the pain I hold tightly to the promises I know to be true, even if they are blurred. 

The most striking resemblance that comes to mind when comparing depression to a hurricane is this.  The devastation left in it's path.  Coming out of a depression and seeing the reality of what's been done is enough to send you right back to where you were.  I can't imagine coming back to the place a sizable hurricane hit to witness the destruction probably as far as the eye can see.  I can imagine coming out a depression and realizing what has happened around you when you are finally able to surface from the bunker.  Reality hurts almost as much as the depression itself. 

I'm recovering from a storm right now as I type.  Everyday I realize something else that I've neglected, or someone else that I've hurt while I've been tucked away trying to make it to the next day.  To say that it breaks my heart is the biggest understatement.  It kills me that for months now I have had no reserves to show loves ones how much they matter to me.  It kills me that I have raised my voice to my girls repeatedly more in the past months than ever imagined I would in a lifetime.  It kills me that I've watched my husband try in vain to help me feel better as I roll over for another 3 hour nap in attempt to dull the pain of breathing.  The guilt is palpable.  No one that is fighting depression has intent to hurt others.  I know that statement is quite declarative, but I say it with conviction even if it's not always true. 

I spent last night in tears because I was made aware of the hurt that I've caused someone who I love deeply.  She lovingly expressed her hurt and disappointment and all she said was valid.  She has every right to feel hurt.  What really cuts deep is the fact that I have no words to say that will make it better.  I was surviving and it took every ounce of energy that I had inside of me.  That probably sounds like an excuse.  It is not an excuse...it is truth.  

I'm a loving person.  I would never hurt someone knowingly and realizing that I caused hurt to those I love is almost more than I can bear.  It was tough to get up and face the day today, but I got up and spend some time with God and He had something for me.  There are countless verses in the Bible about how God is there with us through any storm.  He is our safe place, our haven.  He promises peace and hope and a love like no other.  He promises a whole bunch of things and Hebrews he says this...."Let us hold UNSWERVINGLY to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

I am coming out of my storm.  It is still raining, and here and there a gust of wind comes and knocks me back on my behind, but make no mistake, I'm getting back up and holding tightly to the hand that has lifted me from the pit.  He will bring me through.  He promised that He would, and HE IS FAITHFUL.