Dare to be Broken

I've been thinking about this post for a few days.  I was hoping that giving it some extra thought would give me some clarity on what exactly I wanted to say, but it seem like the clarity comes at the keyboard.  I'm not sure exactly how to say what's on my heart, but I'm going to give it a shot. 

It's no secret that I've been struggling for the past few months.  It wasn't my plan to share that struggle with the world, but I felt lead to write about it and I'm starting to see why God was prompting me to write.  Writing about my struggle with depression gave encouragement to other women who were also struggling. I received several responses to that post and I'm quite certain that I GOT much more encouragement than I gave.  Depression is a lonely place and when you are in it you feel as if you are the only one....we are never alone in our struggles. 

When thinking about how I've felt lately the word that comes to mind is broken.  We all feel broken from time to time and the things that make us feel that way are different for all of us.  For me, I think my biggest challenge is feeling like I'm doing an adequate job as a wife and mother.  I admit that I compare myself to other mothers all the time.  I have several friends who also have kids, some of them work at least part time and I have never once seen their house in a state of disarray.  To be honest it makes me a little crazy.  HOW is that possible?  They "say" that it's not always that way...but I'm not sure I believe them.  I might have to peek in some windows.  There are so many little things to do in the course of a day to keep things together and it seems like whether I have 2 things or 12 things on my plate, somehow I manage to dump the plate. 

One thing that I have realized is that I am not superwoman.  I don't have a spandex suit, and if i did I'm quite sure it would not fit.   For some strange reason I put this crazy pressure on myself to "do it all" and when I fall short I feel like a failure.  Sometimes I catch myself putting the ridiculous expectations on myself...other times I don't.  Here's the other thing that I have realized.  We are not supposed to be superwoman.  Our society would have us believe that us capable women can effectively work a full-time job, take care of children, a husband, a house, maintain friendships and sanity.  I'm sure some will disagree with me...but that is a load of crap.  There is no woman on the face of this earth that can effectively (this is the key word) do all of those things.  Some women don't have a choice but to work and care for their children and home, and my hat goes off to you.  I don't know how you do it.  We only have so much energy to give...we do not have a never ending tank of reserves.  It would be nice, but we don't.  I have struggled with balance all of my life.  For me it always seems like succeeding in one area means another area is suffering.  I know I'm not the only one with that struggle.  What I need to do is adjust expectations of myself and not feel so inadequate when something doesn't get done right...or doesn't get done at all.  Perfect example...I'm writing this and it's 6:24 am.  I got up at 5:15 am (which is unheard of for me) to write.  I made a cup of coffee and took one sip and heard footsteps.  Haylee woke up and wanted a snack.  (she NEVER wakes up at this hour).  I sat back down to write and Kerrington started crying with a nightmare....so I got up and held her and calmed her back to sleep.  What's a mom to do?  This is exactly why it takes a week to fold a load of laundry!!! 

Anyway.  The main thing that was on my mind is this.  Being broken now and then really isn't all that bad.  It's not fun to feel broken, that's a given.  However, there are some great things that come from being broken.  Think about what it means when something is broke.  It doesn't work.  Something needs to change.  I was feeling broken and I needed some things to change.  Feeling broken caused me to fall on my knees begging for peace and comfort from my Lord.  It's always wonderful to return to His waiting embrace, isn't it?  Feeling broken has caused me to take an honest look at myself and see exactly where the problem lies.  That is a tall order...but I'm seeing that there are many small changes that I can make and those small changes can make big differences.  Feeling broken made me realize that I wasn't taking good care of my body.  I need to make better food choices and I need to make time to exercise and certainly this will make a world of difference.  Feeling broken caused my husband to care for me in different ways...and this made me realize all over again how much he loves me and how caring and thoughtful he is.  Feeling broken has made me realize the things that are really important.  What is really important is NOT me finishing my blog when I wanted to.  What was important this morning was comforting Kerrington when she was having a bad dream.   I have two little girls that need me...a lot.  This means that there are a world of things that will not get done when I anticipate.  Feeling broken has made me realize that that is OK. 

Pain is good.  Pain is a message that something isn't right.  Dare to be broken.