Love/Hate Relationships

My last post was about daring to be broken.  I really thought that my next post would be titled something like "refusing to stay broken."  I thought that would be the obvious follow up since we all know that we feel broken at times, and sometimes its that brokenness that we are most in tune with God and can hear what He has to say.  Sometimes I think God needs us to be broken so that we see our need for Him and with our whole heart yearn for Him; but I say with confidence that it is not God's desire to leave us broken.  That's not His nature.  


In my quest to remedy my brokenness, I began doing research on a number of things.  In addition to my research I made a doctor's appointment.  A bit of history,  after the birth of Kerrington I fell into postpartum depression.  I was put on an antidepressant and after a while it seemed to help.  I have been on it for some time now, but a few months ago I seemed to be having more anxiety and I was definitely more agitated (just ask Brian if you doubt me...poor guy) and extremely fatigued.  At my appointment my doctor switched me to a different medication and it didn't take me long to realize that this medication was not right for me.  Now, I wasn't only agitated I was extremely agitated, I was angry, and I started to really dislike myself, I was snappy with my girls which made me dislike myself even more.  It was a horrible downward spiral.   Now...in addition to my antidepressant mess....my thyroid has been completely out of whack.  Coincidentally, many symptoms of thyroid dysfunction and depression are the same...so, am I being treated for depression when really it's my thyroid, or is it a combination of both?  Good question huh?  It must be because no doctor seems to have an answer other than to try to throw more medication at me.  


So, here is where the love/hate relationship comes in.  Let me make it clear, I am not anti-medication.  Are there medications that are over prescribed?   Certainly.  Are there people that misuse them?  Certainly.  Are there people with a need for them who live normal lives because of these medications?  Certainly.  13 years ago I was on anti-depressants for about a year when I was dealing with the loss of my father.  The medication helped me through a very difficult time and I was incredibly thankful for it and when I felt better I was able to slowly go off the medication and was good to go.  I guess that would be the love part.  Here's the other part.  The recent medication that I was on turned me into a person I didn't know, and frankly didn't like.  Thankfully I realized that the medication was pure evil in my body and I stopped taking it.  I know that is not recommended...but I knew that stopping the medication could not be worse that what I was feeling on the medication.  My doctor told me that I did the right thing, by the way.  


Here is my big frustration.  In doing my research I found that having a dysfunctional thyroid affects a host of other things.  It can set all sorts of hormones out of whack which can absolutely affect energy level, mood, anxiety, appetite, weight gain and/or loss, and a host of other things.  
When I brought this up as a possibility for my symptoms to my doctor and the specialist he sent me to I was dismissed and they both recommended that I see a psychiatrist for more appropriate medication.  You should have seen the look on their faces when I said that I didn't want to be on any medication and that I wanted to look into natural remedies such as a cleaner diet and more exercise and herbs.  I swear for a moment I had a third eye.  


I still have a great amount of respect for my doctor.  I just disagree with his method of treatment for me.  I refuse to believe that additional medication is the answer for me, other than for regulating my thyroid, which I will likely always be on medication for.  


I'm writing this because I know that I have many friends that have had more than frustrating relationships with their doctors in effort to get adequate help for either themselves or for their children.  These doctors go to medical school for years and years and they have a wealth of knowledge, and we WANT to trust them, but more and more it seems like we have to be our own physician.  To be honest, this is really the first time I've  been in complete disagreement with a doctor, and it was even harder to disagree with the specialist I was sent to, however, I know my body, I've lived in it for a long time.  Why is it that sometimes its so hard to trust what your body is telling you.  


The bottom line is that I'm not fixed yet.  I'm still feeling broken....but I'm not sitting in my brokenness...I'm fighting tooth and nail to get out of it.  It may take a while, actually, I'm certain it will take a while, but I'm also certain that in time I will feel better.   I know that I am taking the right steps and I'm trusting in that.