A simple "I love you"

When Haylee was a baby she wasn't particularly snuggly.  She would snuggle when it was time to go to bed at night, but to sit on the couch on your lap and just "be"...not so much.  I remember wishing that she would snuggle with me a little more.  As a baby she wasn't a big fan of snuggling, but as a toddler she became more and more of a snuggle bug and now I can't keep her off of me. If I'm sitting she has to be next to me, if I'm laying on the couch she has to be next to me.  If she had her way we would snuggle for an hour every morning, noon and night.  She is forever content in the arms of her mommy.  

Kerrington was a snuggler from the start and still is.  The most frustrating part of my day is being the referee between the two when they are fighting over my lap.  My solution is to plop them both in my lap, but if world war 1 is over my lap then world war 2 is over one of them touching the other while on my lap.  

A night that passes without a 30 or 40 pound bedbug crawling in our bed is rare.  The other night Haylee climbed into our bed and she snuggled just as close to me as she could possibly get and she pulled my arm over her and kissed my arm while hugging it close to her.  A few minutes later she kissed my arm again.  It was a beautiful "I love you."  Even though I was 90% asleep, my heart smiled.

Last night Kerrington made a visit in the midnight hour.   Again, I was half sleeping, but I was awake enough to realize that I had company.  Brian had confiscated the pillow, and she couldn't find one, so I offered her my arm and she happily snuggled into it and me and whispered "Mama, I always love you."  She was back to sleep in less than a minute.  In the consciousness that I did have in that moment all I could think of was how fortunate I am that I have not one, but two little girls that are so loving and affectionate.  I was filled with thankfulness as I hugged her tighter into me.

I know that there are parents out there that will never hear the words "I love you" from the children they love and cherish.  To be very honest, I don't know much about Autism.  I know that there is a huge range of symptoms and degrees of it, and children with mild cases can live somewhat normal lives.  I also know that children with severe cases are incapable of connection and affection even with the parents they love.  

My best friend's cousin has a daughter with severe Autism.  I don't believe she will ever hear the words "I love you" from her little girl.  What's beautiful is that they have a special way of connecting.  It's in very subtle ways, but love is communicated.  Although there are small ways that this love is felt, I'm certain the mother has a hole in her heart that just longs for those words to be whispered.  

I can't even imagine the hardships that parents of children with special needs go through on a daily basis.  when I'm having a rough day with my girls and then they crawl up in my lap and smother me with kisses the hard parts just fade away.  What if I never had those moments?  What if my little girl or girls couldn't even make eye contact with me?  

In the challenges of parenthood it can be so easy to get caught up in the daily frustrations.  It is so easy to lose sight of little things that really are not little at all.   When you think about it, there really is no such thing as a "simple" I love you.  When the words "I love you" are coming from the pure heart of a three or four year old it can move a mountain.  

Dear Lord, please help me to embrace the joy that is ever present in the little moments.

Give and take

God is so cool.  I sat down here to write a blog about something that's been on my mind for a few days and just as I started to type, God gave me something completely different to say.  This is hot off the press.  


Alright, so if you've read my past posts or if you know me at all you know I love my little birds.  I have several feeders and thoroughly enjoy watching my little chirpities and they come and go holding on tight to their little seed snacks.  It's incredibly peaceful for me.  


For the past week or so we have  been getting an unwanted visitor or visitors in the night.  Destructive evidence has shown that we indeed have a bear helping himself to the birdseed.  In addition, he is happy to help us sort through our recycling and our trash in the event a certain unnamed teenager should forget to take it to the garage.   At first he knocked over a feeder and got to the seeds.  The next time he climbed up into the tree and knocked out the feeder and emptied it.  This morning I found that he completely destroyed my favorite feeder and took another one as a souvenir!!!  


I know what I have to do.  I have to take the feeders down at night and put them back up in the morning.  If I want to feed them at all, this is what needs to be done.  As I sat down to write, I gazed out the window watching my precious little chickadees (my very favorite bird) and wondered if they will understand that in order to GIVE to them I have to TAKE AWAY.  


Stop.  


Are you thinking what I'm thinking?  Oh how my mind is racing looking back on all the times that I've been so frustrated that I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted it.  How many times has God had to take something from me in order to give something to me?


I love my birds.  I want to feed them.  It gives me joy.  God loves me.  He wants to give to me.  It gives HIM joy.  Looking out at my birds, I get it.  Watching my little chirping friends has given me a priceless message from my heavenly Father.  


I wonder if I'll ever understand that in order for God to GIVE to me, sometimes he has to TAKE AWAY.   Today I believe I'm one step closer to embracing this truth.


Psalm 84:11 - "no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.


Isaiah 55:9 - "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Happiness is......

I remember when I was young there were little figurines all over the gift stores that said "happiness is...."  you fill in the blank.  There were posters, shirts, pictures, etc. and they declared that happiness was anything from a person, to coffee (which is feasible if you ask me), sleep, hugs, kisses, smiles, you name it.   In the movie "you're a good man, Charlie Brown" there was even a song that had quite a few suggestions on what could bring some momentary or even some long term happiness.  


I was talking to a friend a while back and this friend asked how I was doing.  I don't know what I said exactly, but I must have answered with a lack of enthusiasm that gave the impression that I was unhappy.  The friend said "you know, you deserve to be happy and if you're not you need to go find what makes you happy."  This friend knows both my husband and I and knows that we have been working through some rough spots in our marriage.  I'm fairly certain this friend was referring to my marriage in the comment.   I thought about the comment quite a bit and was saddened in knowing that there are countless marriages that are no more because someone went out to pursue "happiness" that wasn't seen in the marriage.  Notice that I did not say wasn't IN the marriage, I said it wasn't SEEN in the marriage.  


I am a guilty as anyone of falling for the notion that my husband should make me happy.  If I'm not happy it's because my husband isn't meeting my needs, right?  Don't think I haven't slumped over on occasion with that idea in my head.  "If only my husband would to this, or wouldn't do that, I'd be happy." "If only he'd be a good spouse to me like I am to him!"  (insert hysterical laughter here!!)  What a crock of crap!  What a bold faced lie straight from the father of lies himself.  It is most certainly NOT my husbands responsibility to make me happy.  Does he have responsibilities in our marriage relationship?  Of course he does, but making sure that my feelings are warm and fuzzy is not one of them.  My happiness, contentment and my joy is my responsibility alone.  I could almost bring myself to tears thinking back on the resentments I have held tightly to in the past against my husband that I'm certain affected the happiness of us both in our marriage.  


Wouldn't it be great though if we could blame our lack of happiness and joy on someone else?  It sure would be easier that way.  It would  make walking out of a marriage a whole lot easier  believing that your marriage will never be happy because of someone else.  Oh the other hand, if my happiness was determined by what someone else did or didn't do what I sitting duck I'd feel  like.  I'd feel like little more than a puppet.  Embracing the fact that joy and happiness are mine for the taking at any time and in any circumstance is empowering!  Do people's actions affect us?  Of course they do.  There is no denying that we are uplifted by others and we are at times hurt by others and we do react, we are human after all.  The difference is that we do not have to be bound by the feelings that our responses generate.  We can, and I have....and unfortunately I have held on to those feelings for long periods of time.  I can't change how I have reacted in the past, but I can change how I react now and in the future.  No matter what the circumstances are there is always and forever a reason to get on knees and thank God for something.  


I don't believe my friend meant any harm in the comment.  My friend sensed pain and offered what was believed to be life giving advice.  The comment brought me to my senses though.  I probably WAS wallowing.  I probably WAS unhappy in that moment and probably WAS thinking that it was the fault of someone other than myself.  Thank GOD my happiness is not dependent on the action or inaction of another whether it be my husband, my children, my friends, or my family.  There is power and freedom in knowing that I determine whether or not I suck the marrow out of the day.  I choose what reactions I take to the events that take place throughout the day.  As previously stated, I'll be the first to admit that my reactions are NOT always what they should be, but I can change that.  I know that happiness is always being served should I choose to grasp it.  


You will show me the path of life; in your presence is fullness of joy.
Psalm 16:11


Jesus said, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
John 10:10

Be still....AND...

Alright.  It has been a while since I've posted a blog.  Life just seemed to get in the way for a spell, then a little more time went by, and then I got to thinking that since I haven't blogged in a while I'd better come up with a REALLY good topic for my next blog.  Hmmm.  What should it be about?  Uh oh, it's been another week, better make it even better.  It is just plain crazy the amount of pressure I conjured up in my head over a blog.  I had a couple of ideas here and there and honestly had every intention of sharing, but I didn't.  So, here were are pretty far removed from my last blog and I have to tell you that as I sit here I feel no pressure.  I began this blog to share my struggles and victories, my joys and my pain as the LORD would have me with the sole purpose of encouraging others that are on the very same journey as I am.  I share as I am lead and this is what I feel the Lord would have me say.


For the past number of months I have felt the Lord telling me over and over (and over and over) to be still.  He is working on me and unfortunately I seem to wiggle like a 3 year old that's getting a splinter removed from his toe.  (I'm probably as loud too).   I'm able to be still for a while and then before you know it I'm back to being my helpful self because, well, God can always use helpers, right?  I'd hear the whisper again...."Janiece, be still."  Yesterday I was recalling the verses that quickly come to mind when I think of His instruction to "be still".  Have you ever noticed that God doesn't JUST tell us to be still?  He knows us so intimately that he  knows that asking us to simply "be still" would be a challenge.  He tells us to "Be still AND KNOW he is God.  He tells us to "Be still before the LORD and WAIT PATIENTLY for him".  When he is instructing the sea he says simply "Be still", but not his children.  God doesn't shush us off into the corner and then come back when he's done with his work.  He tells us to be still and KNOW that he is God, which means that even though the waiting is hard, we have the comfort in knowing who it is that asks us to wait.  God loves us so much that he wants us to be comforted in our waiting and in the stillness.  I have lately learned that there is much more going on than we realize when we are still.   Exodus 14:14 says "The LORD will fight for you, you have only to be silent."  Psalm 23 talks about our souls being restored as we are lead by STILL waters.   How many times have we read or quoted that Psalm?  I can't count...but when I rest on the words "He restores my soul"  I am encouraged.  He is working, he is refining, he is sanding rough edges, he is perfecting and lets not forget the best part, he is fighting.  He is doing all these things in me in the stillness.  That isn't even the best part.  The best part is that these promises are not just for me, they are for you.  All we have to do is be still....and know.   

Best Mom in the World

It's interesting to look back and reflect on what I thought made a mom great BEFORE actually being one.  Since I didn't have children until my late thirties I had plenty of time to observe the things other mothers did and didn't do and I had a whole mental list of things I would NEVER do as a mother.  Didn't we all have those lists?  I'll bet that for many of us the things that topped that list were the things that our own mothers did or didn't do. 

If you had asked me what made a mom great 10 years ago I'm not sure what I would have told you.  Most likely I would have said making great meals (that they would actually eat), taking them to piano lessons, soccer practice, dance class, Karate class and boy or girl scouts without complaining.  (I know now this would be impossible).  I probably would have told you that a good mom takes their children to church to teach them about God and certainly a good mom wouldn't let their children drink soda!!! 

My ideas on what a makes a mom great at this point are very different that they once were.  The funny thing is that what I think makes me a good mom and what my girls think makes me a good mom are completely different too.  Yesterday I was elevated to the status of "best mom in the whole world."  I don't like to brag, but it is true....yesterday in the eyes of my precious Haylee I was in fact the best mom in the world.  I didn't get the title by making her a gourmet meal, or by signing her up for extracurricular activities, or buying her a new toy or better yet an outfit.  What in the world did I do?  She asked me if I would paint her nails and I said yes.  That little girl lit up like a lighthouse and grabbed my leg and squeezed it with more happiness on her face than I thought could fit.  As I was getting my nail polish she must have told me 4 more times that I was the best mom ever.  I loved painting her nails, but not as much as she loved painting mine.  I look at my manicure with its seven different colors thinking that this has to be the best manicure I've ever had and I didn't even have to leave a tip. 

Yesterday I was reminded of an incredibly simple but powerful truth that I forget too often.  My girls don't want "stuff" nearly as much as they want me.  They want my time and attention, they NEED my time and attention.  It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day things that never end.  I painted nails with Haylee while the dishes sat in the sink and the laundry sat in the washer.  I have to remember that the dishes and laundry can wait.  There will ALWAYS be dishes in the sink, but my daughter will not always be four.  Yesterday I chose what was good.  I pray for the wisdom to make many more good choices with the days I've been given. 

Hats & Titles

What in the world is Hats & Titles all about?  Pretty strange title for a blog I know, but it is what it is.  Here's where the hats come in.  A number of years ago I attended a Women of Faith conference at the MCI center in DC.  I can't remember the names of the speakers, but there was a woman that did a skit of sorts about all the hats a mom wears in the course of a day.  At the time I was single and worlds away from relating to her, but I found her entertaining to say the least.  She literally had countless hats that she put on her head and changed them as she sang her song describing a day in the life of a mom.  I was exhausted listening to her, and of course now that I'm a mother I understand COMPLETELY what she was talking about.  As mothers we want to be the best we can be for our children, right?  We want to meet their needs, we want them to thrive, we want them to know how much we love them....and to do this we inevitably wear a plethora of different hats in the course of a day.  We start out as the drill Sargent dragging them out of bed, then we are the chef, then the stylist choosing the outfit of the day (for little ones anyway), then we are the chauffeur, etc. etc.  You get the point? 

I was thinking about this the other day.  God doesn't have hats, but the initials after his name on a business card would be ridiculous.  God has more than a few titles.  When I  was looking up how many different names and titles there are for God in the Bible I was overwhelmed.  I never found a clear number and there were too many to try to count.  One site said there were 470+ different names and titles for God.  Why so many?  I don't know what the scholars would say about why there are so many, but I can tell you why I think there are so many.  We love our children, and because we love them we morph into whatever we are feasibly able to within reason to meet their needs.   Certainly we are limited, but God certainly is not.  As I read down the list of titles I smiled.  I felt so loved and cared for and protected.  I think God has so many titles because he loves us and he will be whatever he needs to be in order to teach us, protect us, and love us.  I jotted down a few of the names that stood out to me:

GOD IS:  Our Advocate, the Almighty, the Angel of God's Presence, Commander, Counselor, Deliverer, Everlasting Father, Faithful & True, The Good, Great and Chief Shepherd, King of Peace, Light of the World, Rock of Ages, Wisdom, Wonderful, Refuge from the Storm, the Hope of His People, a Sanctuary, the Intercessor, the Surety, He is our Helper,Physician, Healer, Refiner, Purifier, Example, Restorer, and our All in All. 

Why is this so striking to me?  Well, since becoming a mother I've learned to look at God in a different way.  One of the most common names for God is "our Heavenly Father".  We are His children.  It didn't completely click for me until I became a mother and began to see that there is no limit to what I wouldn't do for my children.  Now when I think about God as my Father it takes on an entirely new meaning. 

I'm in the midst of a struggle, and when I read that God is my Prince of Peace and my Fortress it means something to me.  When I read that He is my Deliverer and my Healer it means something to me.  When I read that He is my Restorer it means something to me.  As long as I have breath my girls will never go through a struggle without me by their side, and I take immense comfort in the fact that as long as I have breath I will never struggle without the Everlasting Father by my side.   It's never fun to be in a season of growth, but I have every confidence that it is most certainly not in vain, and I am most certainly never alone. 

"But the Lord has become my fortress, and my God the rock in whom I take refuge."
Psalm 94:22

"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning"
Psalm 30:5

In the Waiting

Yes...I am alive!  I've had blog ideas stuck in my head but just haven't sat down to chew on them enough to get them on here.  What I have to say today has nothing to do with my previous ideas, it's about what's going on in my head today. 

We all have seasons that we go through and we could all come up with a title for them.  The season I am in at the moment can be summed up with the work "waiting".  Not much glamorous about that, huh?  Maybe not.  However, I have known for a while now that God's desire for me is to "Be still and know that He is God".  Last night it occurred to me that it's in these moments and seasons of "stillness" that things are really happening behind the scenes.  We are not in a culture that does well with waiting and to be honest...I'm part of that culture.  I don't like to wait.  Whether I like it or not, it's what I'm doing.  I don't know how long this season will be, so, I can either be miserable, or I can embrace the truth that God is never still.  WE don't see what's going on, we might not FEEL that there are things going on...but God is always at work and I'm thankful that I'm one of His projects. 

Haylee loves it when I tell her stories of when she was a baby.  She loves stories about when I was little.  She loves stories, period.  She's been asking me questions about when Brian and I got married and in one of our conversations I must have told her that I had to wait for Brian.  (my time frame was about 12 years premature of God's time frame)  She asked me tonight to tell her about how I waiting for Brian when I was little.  I told her that I didn't know daddy when I was little.  She reminded me that I had told her that God made me wait for daddy.  I had told her that I asked God for a husband because I wanted to be married and God said "no, not yet".  I said, "Please, God....can I have  a husband now?"  God said "not yet, you're not ready".  (of course I relay this a little more entertaining for Haylee)  I told her that I finally told God, "OK, I'll wait.  Bring me a husband when you're ready".  Little did I know that God was waiting on ME to be ready.  I was antsy for a husband for 12 years before I got one.  Funny thing, it was in the waiting that I grew and matured enough to actually handle what I'd been asking for.  If you would have asked me at the time I would have told you that there wasn't much going on...but there was everything going on.  God never requires us to wait for something for nothing.  Rest in knowing that there is always a reason....and it is GOOD.  Thank GOD I didn't get married any sooner than I did.  I can only imagine where I would be today if I would have forced what i wasn't prepared for.

I'm doing a Beth Moore bible study about the book of James.  Interesting that the lesson tonight was all about waiting.  the title of the lesson was "between the rains".  You see, in the Bible it talks about how important the rains were.  They didn't get a lot of it...so the spring and the autumn rains were imperative for the crops and the people relied on that precious rain. 
There are times in our life when we are blessed with the rain we pray for and long for and need....and there are the times between the rain when we are forced to be still and wait.  The best part of the lesson was the verse Hosea 6:3 which says "Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him.  As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth."

Beth Moore has such a gift with words and the way she can impact so many with her use of them.  She explained that as long as that sun rises our rain is coming.  That is a promise.  I needed that promise. We are never forgotten and we also are never alone in our waiting.  We have our Savior by our side, we have friends to walk beside us and to pray for us.  We all have seasons, and whether yours is a rainy one or a dry one, isn't it wonderful that we are never in any season alone?   

I might not need my umbrella for a while, but I'm holding on to it because I know that healing precious rain is coming.  God promised, and I will wait.