Words

Words.  They can be fancy little things can't they?  They sure are useful for communication, and some people use them more (some significantly more) than others.  We use words to express our emotions, our thoughts, our frustrations and our elation.   We use words to make others laugh, and sometimes unfortunately, we use words to make others cry.

I had no intention of writing on this today...I had something else in mind and frankly I'd much rather be writing about that.  However, I felt God nudging me to share this and since He is bigger than me, here we go.  Please excuse the vagueness of this...but when you read it you will understand why it needs to be quite generic.  

A few days ago Brian and I were having a conversation with a gentleman.  We were discussing some issues that we needed some help with and he was very knowledgeable.   We have something in common with this gentleman and that is we both have the same somewhat difficult person in our lives.  The conversation turned to this person and the three of us discussed some things about this person that although true, they didn't need to be said.  There's where the clincher is right there....things don't always need to be said even though they are true.   I'll give you a really quick example.  I lost a lot of weight last year, 47 pounds to be exact.  I have since gained some of it back. Do I look like I have put some weight back on?  Yes.  Do you need to tell me?  NO!!!!  I am WELL AWARE!!!!!  OK...back to the story.   Things were said that really didn't need to be and if I'm being honest about it...it was straight up gossip.  It gets worse.  This gentleman went home and I can only guess that in a private conversation with his wife he discussed the juicy conversation that we had.  His daughter apparently overheard them and went to school and repeated who knows what to her friends.  The difficult person we were discussing also has a daughter in the same school and she overheard all the things that were said about her and her mother.  This little girl was devastated and hurt.

Later that day I got some scathing texts from the mom.  She was in grizzly bear mode, and you know what?  I don't blame her.  She was furious that things were said with children in the midst.  There were no children around when we were having the conversation...but does that mean that Brian and I were less guilty?  NO.  If we wouldn't have said it in front of the children then we shouldn't have said it at all.  

It broke my heart that the spirit of a little girl took a hit partially because of me and my careless words that shouldn't have been spoken.  Thankfully I was able to briefly talk to the little girl and attempt to repair what I could, but there will probably still be a mark.  When children wound each other it hurts, but the wounds are many times little scratches that heal and are never noticed.  I do believe that when adults wound children it cuts much deeper.  It is our job to protect these children.  My responsibility to protect goes beyond my own two little girls. Sadly I failed miserably.  

Every morning I pack Haylee's lunch and every morning I write her a little note and put it in her lunch.  Sometimes it's a simple I love you and sometimes it's a little note of encouragement.  Ironically today I wrote "Be careful of what you say.  Words can be used to help or to hurt.  Be kind."  Clearly that sticky note should have gone over my mouth rather than stuck to her banana.  

Brian and I have both been deeply convicted and have both asked for forgiveness.  Thankfully we serve a God that forgives.  

In the Bible James calls the tongue a "restless evil, full of deadly poison". How true is that?  It's amazing that we can build up and edify with our words and then in the next breath do the exact opposite with equal power.   There is absolutely nothing wrong with words...we love them and we need them, but we have to remember that there is so much power in them and it's our responsibility to use our words carefully.  


Ephesians 4:29 

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

James 1:26 

If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.

Proverbs 11:13

Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.

Pain Management

August, 2013

It was a hot summer day at the Paap estate.  We had been sorting through things in the garage in effort to organize.   Such a fun way to spend a summer Saturday afternoon, right?  In our sorting we discovered a wiffle ball and bat and behold!... our competitive nature took over and soon we were in the yard.  Batter up!!!  First it was the 18 year old wonder boy.  He got a couple of good hits in.  Next came Senior Paap (Brian) and he also had some good cracks too.  Next up was Mama (that would be me).  This was serious you know.  I was going against "the boys" and this had to be good.  I stretched out a little, swung the bat a few times and then I was up.  After a few hits I'd rather not mention, I really connected with that ball and it flew way across the yard sailing further than either of the boys.  I was victorious and admittedly quite proud and maybe, just MAYBE, a little loud.  Little did I know I was going to pay for that mighty swing in a mighty way.  

A few days later I noticed that it hurt to move my arm in certain ways.  I couldn't move it back or to the side without a lot of pain.  Great...a pulled muscle I thought.  I figured I didn't stretch quite enough and that in a few days it would be better.  A few days turned into a few weeks.  The pain was getting worse and it took less and less to "tweak" it.  I finally went to the dr. and he said it was a pulled rotator cuff.  I was to ice it and take Ibuprofen.  

A few months went by.  I was still in pain when I moved my shoulder and my range of motion was shrinking.  Now the pain was so bad that if I accidentally bumped my shoulder the wrong way I would literally fall to the floor in tears. I'm not a wuss...this was some serious pain.  Something was really wrong.  

After many trips to the shoulder specialist it was decided that surgery could be an option.   I didn't want to go this route....but after months of living in fear that someone or something might bump my shoulder in the wrong way I was ready to take the plunge.  I'm just too young to be so limited and I desperately want my life back the way it was!

Fast forward to today, May 19, 2014.

My surgery is scheduled for Friday.  This morning my stomach has been in knots and I keep wondering what is wrong.  It hit me.  I'm scared.  I'm trusting this doctor to cut into my shoulder and fix it.  I don't think I'm a control freak, but this is a lot of trust to put in someone.  I've been living in pain and it's not fun.  What if the Dr. makes a mistake and messes my shoulder up even more?  What if I'm still in pain after the surgery?  I can't dwell on that, but I wouldn't be human if the thoughts didn't pop in and out on occasion.  The bottom line is that if I want to get rid of the pain I have to put my trust in the Doctor.  I've been trying on my own to get better and frankly I can't take the pain anymore.

Pain isn't a bad thing.  Pain tells us that something is wrong.  Something needs attention.  We need pain, but we don't want to live with it indefinitely. Jesus was called a lot of things.  One of His names was the Great Physician.   We know that Jesus heals the sick and we know he comforts his children.  We ask for healing and the answer isn't always yes.  We don't know why some are healed and some are not, but we do know that God is good all the time and He is deserving of our trust all the time.  I don't believe God ever intended for us to suffer any sort of pain alone.  Verse after verse in the Bible God promises to be a haven for us.  He promises peace and comfort...but there is a tiny little catch.  We have to trust Him.  All of his promises are there for us to take and He longs to give us all He has...but we have to have our arms, and our heart open to receive it.  How it must break his heart to watch His children suffer needlessly.  God never promised us a pain free life.  Actually, He promised us the opposite.  Everyone on this earth will experience pain, be it physical or emotion or both.  Just like my shoulder couldn't heal on it's own, we really can't either.  When we can't take the pain anymore, we just have to trust.  Emotional pain with break your heart, physical pain can crush your spirit.  There is hope for both in His promises.


"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18

Start Over Mama!!!

Friday night we packed up the entire family and gathered in our trusty van and headed to Smith Mountain Lake for a Saturday of boating and fishing fun on the lake.  With shoulder surgery coming up on Friday we thought it would be nice to have a little outing before I'm pretty limited for most likely at least a few weeks.  

Saturday morning we were getting up and at'um and I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth.  Brian sent the girls in behind me to brush their teeth as well.  I had been brushing my teeth for a few seconds when Kerrington looks up at me with her toothbrush in hand and yells "Start over Mama!!!  I want to follow you!"  I started over.  I put the toothpaste on my toothbrush, I put the toothpaste on her brush and we started brushing together.  Kerrington's eyes were completely fixed on me and she was intent on following my every move as exact at possible.  If I brushed my front teeth, she brushed her front teeth. When I brushed my back teeth, she brushed her back teeth.  She was following my every move and if I would have started brushing my ear with the toothbrush I'm pretty sure she would have brushed her ear too.  I don't know the last time I brushed my teeth so carefully.  I had to!!!  I was brushing for two!  

Those few little words echoed in my mind for so much of the day.  "Start over Mama!  I want to follow you."  As parents we know that are children are watching us, but do we really stop and think about just how intently they are watching us?  We don't usually get the verbal heads up like I got when brushing my teeth.  I realized that though I don't get the verbal warning very often....my girls are watching and following.  They watch and follow the good...and unfortunately they are watching and possibly following the bad too.  I couldn't help but look back at all the times that I truly wish I could have "started over" knowing that I had little eyes watching and learning from me.  

It was a sober wake up all.  Of course we are going to make mistakes as parents.  We are learning along the way just like our little ones are.  The fact is that the stakes are a little higher for us.  (deliberate understatement)  They aren't just watching the way we brush our teeth.  They are listening to how we treat our spouse, how we talk to the waiter or waitress that has forgotten to fill up our coffee cup 23 times.  They are watching how we react when when we spill a bag of sugar on the floor, they are watching how we react when THEY spill a bag of sugar on the floor.  It goes on and on.  When I do get it all wrong I have learned learned that a child is never too young to apologize to.  Not much more than a week ago I was short with Kerrington as we were rushing to get to preschool on time.  I hurt her feelings and I had to tell her I was sorry and ask her for forgiveness. I told her that I was wrong to snap at her and I hugged her tight and I'm pretty sure I had to wipe a few tears from my eyes too.   I didn't get to start that morning over, but I can tell you that the next morning went differently.  Sometimes that's the best we can hope for.  I can pray that the next time Kerrington hurts someone she can remember how Mama reacted and follow that.  

Judgy Judgerson

I have to be honest.  I have never really thought of myself as a judgmental person.  Sure, we all have crazy thoughts that fly through our head when we see or hear certain things, but I've always thought I was pretty good at recognizing when I was thinking "judgy" and I would shake those thoughts out of my head.  I have noticed that it's just when you think you have something licked that God will push you just a little further and dish you up a nice slice of humble pie.  (I've also noticed that when God is dishing out this particular pie there is no ice cream or whipped cream to help it go down easier) (Bummer)

I drive my first grader to and from school every day.  Everyday I drive past a "HEALTH & REHAB" center.  I drive past this place twice a day 5 days a week and sometimes more.  I do believe that every time I pass it, rain or shine, hot or cold, there are several employees out on the sidewalk smoking.   The thoughts in my head began as a simple "yuck!!!" or "gross".  The thoughts then turned to "wow, these people work at a 'HEALTH & REHAB' facility and they are smoking up a storm?"   Then it grew to "these people aren't very good representatives of a health facility."  I think that was when God had about had it with me.   When I was finished with the rant in my head God had a few questions for me.  I felt like God was asking me, "Ok, Janiece, you aren't puffing on a cigarette....but are you taking care of your body when you scarf down 7 pieces of pizza?  Are you taking care of your body when you plow through a pint of Ben & Jerry's like there is no tomorrow?"   God knows how to shut the mouths and minds of his children, doesn't he?  God served me a piece of that humble pie and I wasn't about to ask for seconds.  

No.  I don't smoke.  I'm thankful that is not an addiction I struggle with.  People smoke for different reasons.  For some it may be soothing for them to smoke.  I don't smoke...but when I need soothing I am known to open the fridge.  What is the difference?  There is none.  I shouldn't be opening the fridge for my comfort, I should be opening my Bible.   ANYTHING that we as believers are using to comfort or to sooth ourselves outside of God has the potential for trouble.  I believe we can all use improvement in this area.  I learned through my "Pie" that compassion will take us a whole lot further than judgement.   

I still drive past the center every day.  There are still folks out smoking every day....I'm not looking at them the same way anymore.   I've realized that there is plenty for me to work on right in my own heart.   I should probably stick to that.  I definitely prefer ice cream to pie anyway.  

Weeds

     Spring finally decided to show up in Warrenton after quite the delay.  Once the warmer temperatures arrived, the trees wasted no time at all and began to show off their shades of pink and then of course the greenest green leaves you could imagine.  Along with the blooming trees and flowers we of course have a plethora of dandelions everywhere you look.  Most yards are blessed with a few....or in our case a few hundred. 

     My girls love flowers.  In the past month I can't count how many times each of them have very excitedly presented me with a handful of freshly picked dandelions and their enthusiasm could make you think they were roses.   Yup.  They love them.  When you explain to them that they are weeds it doesn't change their opinion of them.  They think they are beautiful.  They pick them to enjoy, they pick them for others to enjoy and they even pick them in attempt to make fine jewelry.  

     Kerrington and I were in the yard and driveway spraying the weeds this afternoon and I got to thinking about those weeds.  Those dandelions don't impress me because I know what they are.  I know what REALLY beautiful flowers look like and they don't resemble a dandelion.  I know that though a dandelion comes in a pretty shade of yellow I also know that the roots run deep and they choke out the grass and good flowers.  More than that, give a dandelion a little time and it will turn white and spread it's destruction wherever the wind will take it.  

     I thought about how sin and dandelions have a whole lot in common.  At first sin can look attractive and it seems harmless...but give it a little time and before you know it the roots are deep and the destruction begins.  I thought back at the times when I picked up my dandelion sin and admired it and even tried to make it look pretty....as a matter of fact I probably tried to make other people admire it too.  I can imagine God looking down at me shaking his head as he watches me caressing my pathetic dandelion when he is holding a beautiful bouquet just waiting to present it to me.  

     Dandelions might look pretty until you know a little more about them and what they lead to.  A yard full of dandelions results in a yard of dead grass.  A life full of sin leads to death too.   It's funny, I don't think I have every seen a yard with only one dandelion.  The same goes for sin...one often leads to another, and another.  Most of the time it's hard to stop at just one.  

     If we want a nice yard where grass can grow and thrive, we simply can't have weeds.  If we want a life where WE can grow, we can't willfully allow sin to be in our life.  Flowers can't grow where there are weeds, and Jesus can't reside where there is sin.   Bring on the weed killer.