Brian and I have a 20 year old living with us for a while. Her name is Ariel and she is as beautiful as a Disney princess, although I think she resembles Rapunzel a bit more with her really long flowing blond hair. Like any 20 year old she still has a whole lot of life lessons ahead of her, but she is surprisingly wise for her years. She will go far once she figures out what directions she's going in. I enjoy her company and conversation and it's awesome that she's a coffee freak like me; we have savored many a cup together. The other passion we share is ice cream. She loves ice cream as much as me and we have savored many a pint together. There is a problem, however....she's 20 and I'm one day away from being 42. She sucks down a pint and flits around just as petite as ever while I'm now flopping around the floor like a trout out of water trying to button my jeans.
Here's the thing. I'm not 20 anymore. I can't eat ice cream 3 days week like she can. I can't eat an entire pizza anymore. In addition to the food restrictions I now have to adhere to, there are other things I can't do anymore. I can't stay up until 5:00 am and expect to function the next day. I can't run 4 miles in a row and have use of my legs. I can't write a paper for a class starting it the night before it is due and expect to finish it. I can't decide I want to lose 5 pounds have the goal accomplished in 2 days. If I want to go home to visit family in New York I can't work an 8 hour day and then head out for a 7 hour road trip and expect to stay awake. Yes, 22 years later there are many things I can no longer do.
Am I sad about these things? Well, admittedly the ice cream is a bummer, and it would be nice to lose 5 or 10 pounds with a little less effort, but if I'm being honest I'm sure dropping a few pounds would be much easier sans the ice cream. Overall though, the answer to whether or not I'm sad about the things I can't do is a resounding no.
Take a look at what I can do now at 42!!! I can look in the mirror at my flaws and imperfections and accept them (most days) and not compare myself to a magazine cover. I can choose my friends wisely and not have to be liked by everyone that crosses my path. I can hear a criticism and not be crushed by it but rather look inside myself to see if there is truth and be a better person because of it. I can be in a big girl relationship and not sabotage it out of fear of rejection. I can be alone and like it. I don't spend hours doing my best to look beautiful in attempt to get strangers to admire the outside of me. I consider it a great compliment when someone says something nice about my character instead of a body part. I'd rather have relationships than "stuff". I can accept that my body will never look like it once did and be totally okay with it because I get to enjoy the blessing of being able to give birth to two healthy little girls. I can look back at my childhood and see the things my parents did right and not just the things they did wrong. I can finally wholeheartedly FORGIVE them for what they were not and just love them for what they were. The best thing of all that I can do at 42? I can forgive myself for the things I have done wrong and for what I am not and just love what God has made me to be. Certainly I don't do all these things perfectly on all days, but I'll take the peace of 42 over the chaos of 20 any day of the week. I enjoyed my 20's and am thankful for all the experiences that I had because without them I wouldn't have all these "skills" at 42.
I am learning to thoroughly enjoy the journey. I'm learning to respect where I am. I will continue to enjoy the company of my young friend and pray that our relationship continues to be mutually beneficial. There is so much we can learn from each other....maybe without the ice cream.
About Me
- Who I am: Janiece
- I'm a wife and mom of a 19 year old stepson and 2 little girls ages 5 and almost 7. I was a self-employed real estate appraiser for 12 years and am ready to turn the page and Lord willing go back to school and see what God has next for me. Certainly my highest priority is to attempt to keep the house in order for my dear husband and to savor all the moments I can with my little ones that are growing entirely too fast.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Walking by Faith
One of the first posts I wrote was about how I was hanging up my appraiser hat and trying on a new one. I'm still not sure exactly what that other hat is, but I'm confident it's no longer an appraiser one. I started working in an appraisal office in 1993 and started appraising real estate in 1998. I took the plunge to start my own business in 2000 and enjoyed a successful business for many years. It was a very demanding business, but it enabled me to buy my first two homes and live self sufficiently for many years.
The decision to give up my business was not a quick one. There were many things to consider. There were some advantages to letting it go, but some significant disadvantages too. With the possibility of some increased travel with Brian's new position we decided that should my business pick up again it would be too much to handle with two little ones and a teenager to get to school events and practices and such. The decision was made. I knew that the decision would be met with some skepticism. I figured some would understand and respect our decision and others would simply disagree with ending a career. The decision wasn't just about turning away from appraisals, it was about turning toward something I feel strongly that God has for me. I'm certain that is why the final decision was somewhat easy to accept. I'm excited to find out what God has planned for me next.
I was prepared for comments questioning our decision, what I wasn't really prepared for was the questions like "what are you going to do now if you and Brian don't work out?" Let's be clear, I don't live under a rock. I know what the divorce rate is in the US and I know that the divorce rate isn't any lower in our churches these days either. People hurt each other, people give up on each other, people leave each other and divorce does happen. Does this mean that I was supposed to keep my business running "just in case" I decide marriage to Brian isn't for me, or in case Brian decides marriage to me isn't for him? I was thinking the other day about what kind of marriage that would be. A marriage that never left the borders of a safety net. A marriage without trust where it truly mattered the most. THAT sounds like a marriage that doesn't stand a chance if you ask me.
Brian and I would both be honest about our marriage and say that it has not been easy. We are both amazed at the fact that we actually made it past the first year which was nothing short of a miracle. We have our struggles and our marriage is far from perfect. Here's where disillusionment comes in for so many (don't worry it held me for a spell too)....marriage is not perfect. It was never intended to be perfect. God put us together to compliment each other and help each other and to help make each other better, not to make each other feel good. Iron sharpens iron. Think for a second how that is done....it doesn't happen without some friction.
I know that there is not one thing on this earth that is forever. Nothing that you can hold in your hand can be held too tightly. I'm not going to live in a fantasy world, and I'm not going to live in a "what if" world either. I made a vow before God to stand faithfully next to the man that I married and that means remaining by his side especially when there is no safety net in sight.
The decision to give up my business was not a quick one. There were many things to consider. There were some advantages to letting it go, but some significant disadvantages too. With the possibility of some increased travel with Brian's new position we decided that should my business pick up again it would be too much to handle with two little ones and a teenager to get to school events and practices and such. The decision was made. I knew that the decision would be met with some skepticism. I figured some would understand and respect our decision and others would simply disagree with ending a career. The decision wasn't just about turning away from appraisals, it was about turning toward something I feel strongly that God has for me. I'm certain that is why the final decision was somewhat easy to accept. I'm excited to find out what God has planned for me next.
I was prepared for comments questioning our decision, what I wasn't really prepared for was the questions like "what are you going to do now if you and Brian don't work out?" Let's be clear, I don't live under a rock. I know what the divorce rate is in the US and I know that the divorce rate isn't any lower in our churches these days either. People hurt each other, people give up on each other, people leave each other and divorce does happen. Does this mean that I was supposed to keep my business running "just in case" I decide marriage to Brian isn't for me, or in case Brian decides marriage to me isn't for him? I was thinking the other day about what kind of marriage that would be. A marriage that never left the borders of a safety net. A marriage without trust where it truly mattered the most. THAT sounds like a marriage that doesn't stand a chance if you ask me.
Brian and I would both be honest about our marriage and say that it has not been easy. We are both amazed at the fact that we actually made it past the first year which was nothing short of a miracle. We have our struggles and our marriage is far from perfect. Here's where disillusionment comes in for so many (don't worry it held me for a spell too)....marriage is not perfect. It was never intended to be perfect. God put us together to compliment each other and help each other and to help make each other better, not to make each other feel good. Iron sharpens iron. Think for a second how that is done....it doesn't happen without some friction.
I know that there is not one thing on this earth that is forever. Nothing that you can hold in your hand can be held too tightly. I'm not going to live in a fantasy world, and I'm not going to live in a "what if" world either. I made a vow before God to stand faithfully next to the man that I married and that means remaining by his side especially when there is no safety net in sight.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Losses
A few days ago I wrote a post about my daughter Kerrington. It was supposed to be a light post about my little toddler, but it ended up going a bit deeper. I ended up sharing the pain of my two miscarriages on the way to having my two healthy girls. I didn't go into details, but I shared that there was pain and I was comforted greatly by God during the healing time. As I reread the post I wondered if anyone may have thought that I glossed over the pain part making it seem as though I just turned to God and I was miraculously on to happier days. Just in case there is anyone that has recently experienced the trauma of losing a baby or knows someone who has, I feel the need to elaborate some.
There is no doubt that in my deepest sorrow I felt great comfort and peace from God. I felt the arms of Jesus surrounding me and I felt His firm and loving embrace. I felt that He cried with me. Did this mean that I cried less tears? No. I was heartbroken in a way I didn't know was possible. I had hoped for a child of my own for years and the second I found out I was pregnant I felt love bursting out of me for these growing cells that were nothing short of a beautiful life to me. To make matters worse, when I suspected there was a problem I went to the doctor and they checked me over and they found the baby's heartbeat. I saw it beating and felt incredible relief. I was told to go home and rest. I stayed in bed terrified to move afraid that I would put my baby in danger if I moved the wrong way. I was hopeful that things would be alright, but when I went back to the doctor in a few days my baby was gone.
This next part may appear unrelated...but please bear with me. If you have grown up in the church or have attended somewhat frequently, chances are you have heard a preacher say that we tend to view our heavenly Father like we do our earthly father. If we had a safe and trustworthy father that raised us then likely it will be easier to trust God in the same way. Over and over you hear of people that grew up with a volatile father or a distant or unreliable father and those people often have difficulty fully trusting that our Heavenly Father will be different. I don't know if it's true for everyone, but has been true in my life. I fully trusted my father. He showed me over and over through the years that he loved me no matter what and that he was a safe haven for me. He was gentle and reliable and I knew that he always wanted the very best for me.
When I was in my early twenties I began dating a man that was not good for me. He was all over the map and kept me on an emotional roller coaster. He was extremely jealous and had an explosive temper. Despite these traits I thought I was madly in love. One day my father and I were talking on the phone and he told me that this man was not right for me. He told me that he loved me and wanted me to be happy, but that if I chose to continue my relationship with him I was doing it without his blessing. I knew what I had to do. Although I felt I was still very much in love I ended the relationship with the man immediately. I knew in my heart that it had to be difficult for my dad to say those things to me and that if he said that to me then he must have been seeing something that I didn't see. I trusted my father.
Back to my miscarriages. In my darkest moments I trusted my heavenly Father. I still wondered why, I was still broken, I still sobbed countless tears. The difference was that I didn't cry alone. I still felt every bit of the pain and even now as I type this years later I have tears welling up in my eyes. Trusting God doesn't mean there will be an absence of pain. Life brings pain. Life with the Lord means you never go through the pain alone. I remember when going through my second miscarriage the song "Praise you in the Storm" by Casting Crowns had just come out. I could not listen to that song without crying. I remember telling God over and over "I trust you Lord, but I'm hurting and I don't understand." In time I learned to be at peace with what I didn't understand. One day I will have the answers I seek and I truly am at rest in that.
One last side note, if you happened to have a friend who tragically goes through the loss of a baby, though well intended, saying things like, "you can try for another", or "it was for the best" is really not helpful. (I was repeatedly told both of those things) There really are no words that very helpful in the midst of the pain. Everyone grieves in their own way. Some welcome company and hugs, and other may need some space to just be. Say lots of prayers and comfort as you feel led.
There is no doubt that in my deepest sorrow I felt great comfort and peace from God. I felt the arms of Jesus surrounding me and I felt His firm and loving embrace. I felt that He cried with me. Did this mean that I cried less tears? No. I was heartbroken in a way I didn't know was possible. I had hoped for a child of my own for years and the second I found out I was pregnant I felt love bursting out of me for these growing cells that were nothing short of a beautiful life to me. To make matters worse, when I suspected there was a problem I went to the doctor and they checked me over and they found the baby's heartbeat. I saw it beating and felt incredible relief. I was told to go home and rest. I stayed in bed terrified to move afraid that I would put my baby in danger if I moved the wrong way. I was hopeful that things would be alright, but when I went back to the doctor in a few days my baby was gone.
This next part may appear unrelated...but please bear with me. If you have grown up in the church or have attended somewhat frequently, chances are you have heard a preacher say that we tend to view our heavenly Father like we do our earthly father. If we had a safe and trustworthy father that raised us then likely it will be easier to trust God in the same way. Over and over you hear of people that grew up with a volatile father or a distant or unreliable father and those people often have difficulty fully trusting that our Heavenly Father will be different. I don't know if it's true for everyone, but has been true in my life. I fully trusted my father. He showed me over and over through the years that he loved me no matter what and that he was a safe haven for me. He was gentle and reliable and I knew that he always wanted the very best for me.
When I was in my early twenties I began dating a man that was not good for me. He was all over the map and kept me on an emotional roller coaster. He was extremely jealous and had an explosive temper. Despite these traits I thought I was madly in love. One day my father and I were talking on the phone and he told me that this man was not right for me. He told me that he loved me and wanted me to be happy, but that if I chose to continue my relationship with him I was doing it without his blessing. I knew what I had to do. Although I felt I was still very much in love I ended the relationship with the man immediately. I knew in my heart that it had to be difficult for my dad to say those things to me and that if he said that to me then he must have been seeing something that I didn't see. I trusted my father.
Back to my miscarriages. In my darkest moments I trusted my heavenly Father. I still wondered why, I was still broken, I still sobbed countless tears. The difference was that I didn't cry alone. I still felt every bit of the pain and even now as I type this years later I have tears welling up in my eyes. Trusting God doesn't mean there will be an absence of pain. Life brings pain. Life with the Lord means you never go through the pain alone. I remember when going through my second miscarriage the song "Praise you in the Storm" by Casting Crowns had just come out. I could not listen to that song without crying. I remember telling God over and over "I trust you Lord, but I'm hurting and I don't understand." In time I learned to be at peace with what I didn't understand. One day I will have the answers I seek and I truly am at rest in that.
One last side note, if you happened to have a friend who tragically goes through the loss of a baby, though well intended, saying things like, "you can try for another", or "it was for the best" is really not helpful. (I was repeatedly told both of those things) There really are no words that very helpful in the midst of the pain. Everyone grieves in their own way. Some welcome company and hugs, and other may need some space to just be. Say lots of prayers and comfort as you feel led.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Training a Child Take Three - Special K
I'm sitting here in our media room above the garage with the window open listening to the rain. That has nothing to do with what I'm writing...it's just really nice. At the behest of my daughter Haylee I am here to write about her little sister Kerrington.
When I was contemplating what to write my initial thoughts first went to describing to you her fiery little personality. I often call her my little spit-fire and for good reason. However, as I had a little more time to think I felt the need to go a little further back in order for my Special K to be appreciated for all that she is.
A bit of history is in order, but no worries, not enough to bore you. I hope. Brian and I got married a little later than many, we turned 35 a few months after we got married. We knew we wanted a child, preferably 2 if that was possible. All the reading about "high risk" pregnancies after 35 were a bit concerning so we welcomed the possibility of expecting. We were married in August and I became pregnant in January. We were so incredibly excited. I was due around my dad's birthday and thought about how amazing it would be to have a baby on his birthday. 8 weeks into the pregnancy I lost the baby. I was heartbroken. Brian was heartbroken. The loss of a baby is a sadness that is difficult to express in words. The tears were countless and thankfully the comfort from the Lord was endless. I don't know how anyone is able to endure such pain without that comfort. That following October I became pregnant again. Strangely, I was at peace. Through the miscarriage I learned that it truly was not in my control. I could fret and worry, or I could rest peacefully knowing that God knew the desires of my heart it if I was meant to carry this baby I would do just that. I chose peace. Though I don't believe any pregnancy is particularly easy, my pregnancy was uneventful. I loved it. I love the honor of growing a new life inside of me and never stopped loving those kicks and nudges in my tummy. On July 9th Brian and I were blessed with our baby girl, Haylee Michelle.
When Haylee was 6 months old I became pregnant again. The baby was due on my birthday! How special!!!! I was so excited to have my children close in age so they could grow up together. At 12 weeks, 1 day before my second trimester, I lost my birthday baby. I was heartbroken. Brian was heartbroken. I wasn't angry at God, but I certainly didn't understand. Again I cried countless tears, but this time I had the amazing blessing of Haylee to remind me of all I had. If Haylee was the only baby I was able to have, then I was still blessed beyond what I deserve. It's often said that God gives and takes away and I know that is true, but I also know that there are some things that simply happen and God allows them for whatever reason.
Something was not right with that pregnancy. I'll never know what it was, but though I still think about my little baby that I never met, I believe that God's timing is perfect even if it is often perplexing. I also know it my heart that when I get to Heaven I'll be greeted by my two babies that I never met face to face and it will be a beautiful reunion.
A few months later I again became pregnant. This baby was due on April 11th which is my first nieces birthday. This pregnancy was tougher since naps were sparse and I had a 25 pound toddler in tow, not to mention I was a few years older! On February 7th I started to have complications and raced to the emergency room. I was sent home that night, but was back in the ER the next morning. I know that modern medicine is capable of miracles these days and having a baby a few months early is somewhat commonplace, but fear ran through me. My baby wasn't ready to be born. She would likely spend weeks in the hospital if they had to take her early. I was scared. Thankfully everything turned out fine and I was able to carry her to the end. Kerrington Paige was born on April 3rd.
I know full well that there are thousands of parents out there that had to endure far more hardships than we did to get to the point of holding their newborn baby. I'm sure that every single parent would say that every tear was worth it for the joy of holding a new life. I don't know why I was unable to carry the babies that I lost and I don't really need to know. I don't know why God chose Brian and I to give the honor of raising this precious life. That doesn't really matter either. I'm thankful. I look at both of my girls knowing that they are precious diamonds that God has entrusted to the care of Brian and I.
So, there you have it. That's how Kerrington got here. In the hospital a few nurses raised an eyebrow at the name we chose. One nurse stated that "Kerrington" was an awful big name to live up to. Let me tell you....it's not a problem. Kerrington was much smaller than Haylee as a baby, but she's like a little chili pepper....she's got a kick. She is such a joy and so loving....and so independent! She knows what she wants and doesn't want to do and Haylee will not persuade her otherwise no matter how many tears she cries in protest. She is almost 2 1/2, so she still likes to be held by mommy A LOT....but she is independent and overall pretty content. It's hard to tell all the ins and outs of her personality because she is still young, but from what we observe now she seems worlds apart from her sister. It will be very interesting to see how she blooms in the next few years.
Try as I might I can't get enough of my girls. I'm one that needs my alone time, but after a few hours away I miss kissing those little cheeks. I can't imagine what life would be like without my Special K. She completes our family.
I've been out here for a while doing homework and writing this blog. My babies are in their beds sleeping...and I'm feeling an overwhelming urge to kiss them and put my hand on them and thank God for the priceless gifts I've been given. I've gotta go.
When I was contemplating what to write my initial thoughts first went to describing to you her fiery little personality. I often call her my little spit-fire and for good reason. However, as I had a little more time to think I felt the need to go a little further back in order for my Special K to be appreciated for all that she is.
A bit of history is in order, but no worries, not enough to bore you. I hope. Brian and I got married a little later than many, we turned 35 a few months after we got married. We knew we wanted a child, preferably 2 if that was possible. All the reading about "high risk" pregnancies after 35 were a bit concerning so we welcomed the possibility of expecting. We were married in August and I became pregnant in January. We were so incredibly excited. I was due around my dad's birthday and thought about how amazing it would be to have a baby on his birthday. 8 weeks into the pregnancy I lost the baby. I was heartbroken. Brian was heartbroken. The loss of a baby is a sadness that is difficult to express in words. The tears were countless and thankfully the comfort from the Lord was endless. I don't know how anyone is able to endure such pain without that comfort. That following October I became pregnant again. Strangely, I was at peace. Through the miscarriage I learned that it truly was not in my control. I could fret and worry, or I could rest peacefully knowing that God knew the desires of my heart it if I was meant to carry this baby I would do just that. I chose peace. Though I don't believe any pregnancy is particularly easy, my pregnancy was uneventful. I loved it. I love the honor of growing a new life inside of me and never stopped loving those kicks and nudges in my tummy. On July 9th Brian and I were blessed with our baby girl, Haylee Michelle.
When Haylee was 6 months old I became pregnant again. The baby was due on my birthday! How special!!!! I was so excited to have my children close in age so they could grow up together. At 12 weeks, 1 day before my second trimester, I lost my birthday baby. I was heartbroken. Brian was heartbroken. I wasn't angry at God, but I certainly didn't understand. Again I cried countless tears, but this time I had the amazing blessing of Haylee to remind me of all I had. If Haylee was the only baby I was able to have, then I was still blessed beyond what I deserve. It's often said that God gives and takes away and I know that is true, but I also know that there are some things that simply happen and God allows them for whatever reason.
Something was not right with that pregnancy. I'll never know what it was, but though I still think about my little baby that I never met, I believe that God's timing is perfect even if it is often perplexing. I also know it my heart that when I get to Heaven I'll be greeted by my two babies that I never met face to face and it will be a beautiful reunion.
A few months later I again became pregnant. This baby was due on April 11th which is my first nieces birthday. This pregnancy was tougher since naps were sparse and I had a 25 pound toddler in tow, not to mention I was a few years older! On February 7th I started to have complications and raced to the emergency room. I was sent home that night, but was back in the ER the next morning. I know that modern medicine is capable of miracles these days and having a baby a few months early is somewhat commonplace, but fear ran through me. My baby wasn't ready to be born. She would likely spend weeks in the hospital if they had to take her early. I was scared. Thankfully everything turned out fine and I was able to carry her to the end. Kerrington Paige was born on April 3rd.
I know full well that there are thousands of parents out there that had to endure far more hardships than we did to get to the point of holding their newborn baby. I'm sure that every single parent would say that every tear was worth it for the joy of holding a new life. I don't know why I was unable to carry the babies that I lost and I don't really need to know. I don't know why God chose Brian and I to give the honor of raising this precious life. That doesn't really matter either. I'm thankful. I look at both of my girls knowing that they are precious diamonds that God has entrusted to the care of Brian and I.
So, there you have it. That's how Kerrington got here. In the hospital a few nurses raised an eyebrow at the name we chose. One nurse stated that "Kerrington" was an awful big name to live up to. Let me tell you....it's not a problem. Kerrington was much smaller than Haylee as a baby, but she's like a little chili pepper....she's got a kick. She is such a joy and so loving....and so independent! She knows what she wants and doesn't want to do and Haylee will not persuade her otherwise no matter how many tears she cries in protest. She is almost 2 1/2, so she still likes to be held by mommy A LOT....but she is independent and overall pretty content. It's hard to tell all the ins and outs of her personality because she is still young, but from what we observe now she seems worlds apart from her sister. It will be very interesting to see how she blooms in the next few years.
Try as I might I can't get enough of my girls. I'm one that needs my alone time, but after a few hours away I miss kissing those little cheeks. I can't imagine what life would be like without my Special K. She completes our family.
I've been out here for a while doing homework and writing this blog. My babies are in their beds sleeping...and I'm feeling an overwhelming urge to kiss them and put my hand on them and thank God for the priceless gifts I've been given. I've gotta go.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Training a Child - take two
I have a great family. I'm blessed with a husband that loves me like crazy and I'm blessed with a stepson who loves me and I love and I'm blessed with my two little curly girlies. My family is so supportive of my writing and they really love me to read them my blogs. LB especially loves it and listens intently to every word as I'm reading...quite impressive for a 16 year old! It warms my heart that he takes an interest in what I write. I sure do love that boy.
Yesterday I was reading my blog to the family and Haylee loved that it was about her, but she asked me to write about LB and Kerrington. Here I go.
This is all about LB. LB stands for Little Brian. It's a nickname his mother came up with for him as a baby and it stuck. Sometimes I look at the handsome strapping almost 17 year old and shake my head thinking about how close I came to possibly missing out on the incredibly blessing that he is to my life. Big Brian and I met on E-Harmony. I had been on E-Harmony for a while and it allows you to choose criteria for matching. On my profile I said that I didn't want to be matched up with anyone divorced and no one with children. I was 34 years old and I had waited a long time to be with someone and I wanted to be the priority. I was in a position to make someone number one and I wanted to be number one too. I was discussing this with my cousin Anya one day. A tiny bit of background on Anya....she tells it like it is. What other people think and won't say is exactly what Anya has no problem saying to you. When I told Anya that someone with a child was not an option for me she told me I was being selfish. She said that I was great with children and had a lot of love to give and that for me to not share that was selfish. Well, I had never been called selfish in my life, so clearly she was WRONG in her assessment. I couldn't stop thinking about what she said to me. After a few days I was getting a headache from those swirling words echoing in my mind. Could she possibly be right? Was I being selfish? I talked to God about it and said that if there was selfishness in me I wanted to remove it. I changed my profile and trusted God about it. I only got one match with a man previously married that had a young son. I was matched up with a guy named Brian Paap, also affectionately known today as my husband.
There were times when the "what ifs" threatened to consume me. What if Brian's ex-wife didn't like me and made our lives miserable. What if LB didn't like me? What if he didn't listen to me? What if he goes through a rebellious stage and I'm powerless to do much about it. What if he didn't respect me? What if I didn't love him the way I'm supposed to? What if I'm not patient with him? What if I'm not a good step-mom? Admittedly there was some fear and apprehension and for a while I didn't handle it the best way. Self sabotage was a serious consideration. I have since learned that any relationship involves risk, and all relationships will disappoint at times. We are human and sometimes we all do hurtful things. I'll go out on a limb and say that there is no relationship that doesn't have some moments of pain.
When Brian and I started dating LB was a puny little blond haired boy with a ton of energy and a crazy need to make ridiculous noises ALL the time! I have had the privilege of watching this little noise maker grow and learn and struggle and grow some more. I've watched him as he has struggled to discover who he is and what he likes, what he excels at and what he doesn't. The best part? I've watched LB grow into a considerate, gentle, loving, compassionate, funny and happy young man. He gives the best hugs ever and he's never stingy with them. He has never been disrespectful to me and though we have our little spats here and there we love each other. His mother has never been anything but kind to me and has never caused me any problems whatsoever. I love that she lets me love her son. I do love him. He has a section of my heart all to himself and that will never change. I am honored to be a part of his life and incredibly thankful that my two girls have the best big brother in the world.
LB is not done exploring who he is. He'll be 17 soon. He's just beginning his journey. He has a mother and a father that love him beyond words and will always be there for him. He also has a step-monster that loves him and is cheering for him in all he does and will forever be there to pick him up and help dust him off when he falls. He's fortunate to have so many that love him so much....but I really think we are ones that are blessed most of all.
I love you Beez!!!
Yesterday I was reading my blog to the family and Haylee loved that it was about her, but she asked me to write about LB and Kerrington. Here I go.
This is all about LB. LB stands for Little Brian. It's a nickname his mother came up with for him as a baby and it stuck. Sometimes I look at the handsome strapping almost 17 year old and shake my head thinking about how close I came to possibly missing out on the incredibly blessing that he is to my life. Big Brian and I met on E-Harmony. I had been on E-Harmony for a while and it allows you to choose criteria for matching. On my profile I said that I didn't want to be matched up with anyone divorced and no one with children. I was 34 years old and I had waited a long time to be with someone and I wanted to be the priority. I was in a position to make someone number one and I wanted to be number one too. I was discussing this with my cousin Anya one day. A tiny bit of background on Anya....she tells it like it is. What other people think and won't say is exactly what Anya has no problem saying to you. When I told Anya that someone with a child was not an option for me she told me I was being selfish. She said that I was great with children and had a lot of love to give and that for me to not share that was selfish. Well, I had never been called selfish in my life, so clearly she was WRONG in her assessment. I couldn't stop thinking about what she said to me. After a few days I was getting a headache from those swirling words echoing in my mind. Could she possibly be right? Was I being selfish? I talked to God about it and said that if there was selfishness in me I wanted to remove it. I changed my profile and trusted God about it. I only got one match with a man previously married that had a young son. I was matched up with a guy named Brian Paap, also affectionately known today as my husband.
There were times when the "what ifs" threatened to consume me. What if Brian's ex-wife didn't like me and made our lives miserable. What if LB didn't like me? What if he didn't listen to me? What if he goes through a rebellious stage and I'm powerless to do much about it. What if he didn't respect me? What if I didn't love him the way I'm supposed to? What if I'm not patient with him? What if I'm not a good step-mom? Admittedly there was some fear and apprehension and for a while I didn't handle it the best way. Self sabotage was a serious consideration. I have since learned that any relationship involves risk, and all relationships will disappoint at times. We are human and sometimes we all do hurtful things. I'll go out on a limb and say that there is no relationship that doesn't have some moments of pain.
When Brian and I started dating LB was a puny little blond haired boy with a ton of energy and a crazy need to make ridiculous noises ALL the time! I have had the privilege of watching this little noise maker grow and learn and struggle and grow some more. I've watched him as he has struggled to discover who he is and what he likes, what he excels at and what he doesn't. The best part? I've watched LB grow into a considerate, gentle, loving, compassionate, funny and happy young man. He gives the best hugs ever and he's never stingy with them. He has never been disrespectful to me and though we have our little spats here and there we love each other. His mother has never been anything but kind to me and has never caused me any problems whatsoever. I love that she lets me love her son. I do love him. He has a section of my heart all to himself and that will never change. I am honored to be a part of his life and incredibly thankful that my two girls have the best big brother in the world.
LB is not done exploring who he is. He'll be 17 soon. He's just beginning his journey. He has a mother and a father that love him beyond words and will always be there for him. He also has a step-monster that loves him and is cheering for him in all he does and will forever be there to pick him up and help dust him off when he falls. He's fortunate to have so many that love him so much....but I really think we are ones that are blessed most of all.
I love you Beez!!!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Training a Child
I'll start by saying that this post may be a bit controversial. Obviously a blog is simply one person sharing their own feelings and/or perspectives on things. I don't claim to be a Bible scholar, or a psychologist or an authority on any matter. I am on a journey like we all are and learning along the way and have just chosen to share some of my experiences. I have no illusion of everyone shaking their head in agreement with me and always welcome comments reflecting a differing perspective. Part of learning is listening and understanding other opinions.
Anyway. When I was pregnant with Haylee I had nine months to anticipate her arrival. When you have a little newborn you have the luxury of being able to dress them exactly the way you want to. I made it clear at my shower that I didn't want a bunch of princess or diva stuff. It's just not me and I didn't want to dress her in frilly pink things. I'm not frilly and I'm not sure I own anything pink. I had this lovely picture of my little Haylee taking Karate classes when she was 3 or 4 and thought it would be great if we could someday even pursue our black belts together!!! I could dream, right?
Haylee is now four years old. She is not in Karate. She absolutely loves anything pink and frilly. She loves to dance and loves to dress up like a princess. She loves anything pretty. She loves Barbie movies. She loves to comb any one's hair that will let her and she can't get enough of my makeup. She is all girl. I wanted to paint her room green...she wanted pink and purple. She likes to pick out her own clothes and has her own ideas on what she wants to wear.
Two nights ago Haylee crawled into bed with me in the middle of the night. She loves her mommy and likes to snuggle as close to me as she can. She also likes to grab my hand and either hold my hand against her head and sleep on my hand or she holds it on her chest and gets upset if I move it. This night she placed my hand across her chest and I could feel her precious little heart just beating away. For whatever reason even though I was half asleep I smiled and started thinking about how she was literally a part of me for 9 months and she will always be a part of me, but as I felt her heart beat I was thinking about how she is her own little person. God has a purpose and plan that is designed specifically for her and her purpose, I'm sure, has very little to do with what I might think she should be.
I guess this is where it could get a little controversial. Brian and I of course have an incredible responsibility to train her and teach her. It's our job to show her what it means to be a kind, compassionate and loving person. We need to teach her to be respectful of authority, to be hardworking, dependable, faithful and loyal. We need to teach her to be a responsible young lady and we need to teach her to love herself exactly the way God made her to be. I do not believe it is my job to make her or push her into being something that I think she should be. What kind of parent would I be if a pushed her into a Karate class when she has such a love for dancing? Why would I force her into a gymnastics class if she loves to play soccer? Haylee is who she is and of course she can't make all of her own decisions, but I strongly believe that as a parent I have a responsibility to respect her likes and dislikes and allow her to express herself when and where it is appropriate. Every person deserves respect for the individual that they are and there is no age limit on that.
I have to tell you...I get a LOT of grief over the princess stuff that Haylee loves so much. I was SO opposed to it when she was a baby and having the big mouth that I do I was more than a little vocal about it. I have to just take it...I asked for it! What can you do? She may look like me, but my little girl is SO different from me in so many ways. I have to smile as I watch her discovering what she loves and where her talents lie. When I look at her little face when she puts on a little princess dress and twirls around I can't help but beam. I also can't help but hope that she always feels the freedom to be exactly who she is and that she twirls unashamed with joy in 10 or 20 or even 40 years just like she does now.
Anyway. When I was pregnant with Haylee I had nine months to anticipate her arrival. When you have a little newborn you have the luxury of being able to dress them exactly the way you want to. I made it clear at my shower that I didn't want a bunch of princess or diva stuff. It's just not me and I didn't want to dress her in frilly pink things. I'm not frilly and I'm not sure I own anything pink. I had this lovely picture of my little Haylee taking Karate classes when she was 3 or 4 and thought it would be great if we could someday even pursue our black belts together!!! I could dream, right?
Haylee is now four years old. She is not in Karate. She absolutely loves anything pink and frilly. She loves to dance and loves to dress up like a princess. She loves anything pretty. She loves Barbie movies. She loves to comb any one's hair that will let her and she can't get enough of my makeup. She is all girl. I wanted to paint her room green...she wanted pink and purple. She likes to pick out her own clothes and has her own ideas on what she wants to wear.
Two nights ago Haylee crawled into bed with me in the middle of the night. She loves her mommy and likes to snuggle as close to me as she can. She also likes to grab my hand and either hold my hand against her head and sleep on my hand or she holds it on her chest and gets upset if I move it. This night she placed my hand across her chest and I could feel her precious little heart just beating away. For whatever reason even though I was half asleep I smiled and started thinking about how she was literally a part of me for 9 months and she will always be a part of me, but as I felt her heart beat I was thinking about how she is her own little person. God has a purpose and plan that is designed specifically for her and her purpose, I'm sure, has very little to do with what I might think she should be.
I guess this is where it could get a little controversial. Brian and I of course have an incredible responsibility to train her and teach her. It's our job to show her what it means to be a kind, compassionate and loving person. We need to teach her to be respectful of authority, to be hardworking, dependable, faithful and loyal. We need to teach her to be a responsible young lady and we need to teach her to love herself exactly the way God made her to be. I do not believe it is my job to make her or push her into being something that I think she should be. What kind of parent would I be if a pushed her into a Karate class when she has such a love for dancing? Why would I force her into a gymnastics class if she loves to play soccer? Haylee is who she is and of course she can't make all of her own decisions, but I strongly believe that as a parent I have a responsibility to respect her likes and dislikes and allow her to express herself when and where it is appropriate. Every person deserves respect for the individual that they are and there is no age limit on that.
I have to tell you...I get a LOT of grief over the princess stuff that Haylee loves so much. I was SO opposed to it when she was a baby and having the big mouth that I do I was more than a little vocal about it. I have to just take it...I asked for it! What can you do? She may look like me, but my little girl is SO different from me in so many ways. I have to smile as I watch her discovering what she loves and where her talents lie. When I look at her little face when she puts on a little princess dress and twirls around I can't help but beam. I also can't help but hope that she always feels the freedom to be exactly who she is and that she twirls unashamed with joy in 10 or 20 or even 40 years just like she does now.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Going Home Part Two - True Love
Love, love love. They say love is a mystery, love is blind, love is all you need. How many songs have been written about it? How many books are out there claiming to understand it, teaching you how to get it or give it or maybe even how to live without it. Amazon.com has 252,430 books with the word "love" in the title. So, if you want some insight you'd better get started on some reading. There is, however, the cliff note version found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13. (sidenote...if you're not one to frequent the Bible I'd encourage you to take a look. The iPhone might have an app for anything you need, but Jesus has a verse for anything you need....and it's all for free) If you read 1 Corinthians 13 and chew on it, it really is all you need to know about love. It tells you what it is and what it isn't and there isn't anything confusing about it. It's surprisingly simple to understand, but not always the easiest to put into practice.
This post is on the heels of my previous blog, and let me preface it by saying that I am by no means any sort of expert on the subject of love. I simply had an "AHA" moment that was accompanied by a bit of clarity and I want to share it it hopes that someone else may have a similar "AHA" moment.
I went home to see my mother last weekend. I realized that I had been holding some unforgiveness and judgement in my heart in regards to her and I felt the need to see her and just tell her that I love her. I came to the realization that the history of my relationship with my mother, despite what it was or wasn't, did not change my responsibility to honor her. Part of giving honor to her was to simply love her where she was without any expectations attached. (True love is not self seeking) I drove the 8+ hours to Upstate NY not knowing how I would find her. My mother is 84 years old and in a nursing home. She has good days and bad days. Days where she is sharp as a tack and days where she is rather confused and may not even know who her loved ones are. Thankfully when I got to the hospital mom was having a good day. She knew who I was. She doesn't hear very well, so communication is difficult and at times even impossible. Not many words needed to be said though. I rubbed her arm and held her hand and told her she was a good mom. I thanked her for being a good mom and told her I loved her. She heard me and I'm certain she felt my heart. For perhaps the first time I genuinely loved her. She has difficulty talking plainly, but just as clear as a bell she said, "that's good to hear", and then asked me for a kiss. With those few words I felt a burden lifted off of me that had me chained down for years. Releasing HER of the judgement brought freedom to ME. As I held her hand for a few minutes she looked right into my eyes and I felt love. I knew in that moment that without a doubt my mother loved me with all she had to give, and who was I to say that was not enough.
I can't tell you how many times I drove home to NY over the years to show my mother how much I loved her in hopes of getting the same in return. She doesn't show love in the same way I do, so I was left heartbroken and disappointed every time. Expectations can be brutal to all parties. I certainly won't dwell on it, but I can't help but wonder how different things could have been had I simply loved her and left it at that. True love is not selfish. It's not looking out for itself. Loving someone expecting something back is not love. I have so much to learn about so many things, but I'm thankful that I had a nugget of clarity in my "AHA" moment in time to give my mother something she deserved long ago. True love.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record or wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
"Honor your father and your mother - which is the first commandment with a promise - that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy a long life on the earth."
Ephesians 6:2-3
This post is on the heels of my previous blog, and let me preface it by saying that I am by no means any sort of expert on the subject of love. I simply had an "AHA" moment that was accompanied by a bit of clarity and I want to share it it hopes that someone else may have a similar "AHA" moment.
I went home to see my mother last weekend. I realized that I had been holding some unforgiveness and judgement in my heart in regards to her and I felt the need to see her and just tell her that I love her. I came to the realization that the history of my relationship with my mother, despite what it was or wasn't, did not change my responsibility to honor her. Part of giving honor to her was to simply love her where she was without any expectations attached. (True love is not self seeking) I drove the 8+ hours to Upstate NY not knowing how I would find her. My mother is 84 years old and in a nursing home. She has good days and bad days. Days where she is sharp as a tack and days where she is rather confused and may not even know who her loved ones are. Thankfully when I got to the hospital mom was having a good day. She knew who I was. She doesn't hear very well, so communication is difficult and at times even impossible. Not many words needed to be said though. I rubbed her arm and held her hand and told her she was a good mom. I thanked her for being a good mom and told her I loved her. She heard me and I'm certain she felt my heart. For perhaps the first time I genuinely loved her. She has difficulty talking plainly, but just as clear as a bell she said, "that's good to hear", and then asked me for a kiss. With those few words I felt a burden lifted off of me that had me chained down for years. Releasing HER of the judgement brought freedom to ME. As I held her hand for a few minutes she looked right into my eyes and I felt love. I knew in that moment that without a doubt my mother loved me with all she had to give, and who was I to say that was not enough.
I can't tell you how many times I drove home to NY over the years to show my mother how much I loved her in hopes of getting the same in return. She doesn't show love in the same way I do, so I was left heartbroken and disappointed every time. Expectations can be brutal to all parties. I certainly won't dwell on it, but I can't help but wonder how different things could have been had I simply loved her and left it at that. True love is not selfish. It's not looking out for itself. Loving someone expecting something back is not love. I have so much to learn about so many things, but I'm thankful that I had a nugget of clarity in my "AHA" moment in time to give my mother something she deserved long ago. True love.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record or wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
"Honor your father and your mother - which is the first commandment with a promise - that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy a long life on the earth."
Ephesians 6:2-3
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