Losses

A few days ago I wrote a post about my daughter Kerrington.  It was supposed to be a light post about my little toddler, but it ended up going a bit deeper.  I ended up sharing the pain of my two miscarriages on the way to having my two healthy girls.  I didn't go into details, but I shared that there was pain and I was comforted greatly by God during the healing time.  As I reread the post I wondered if anyone may have thought that I glossed over the pain part making it seem as though I just turned to God and I was miraculously on to happier days.  Just in case there is anyone that has recently experienced the trauma of losing a baby or knows someone who has,  I feel the need to elaborate some.  


There is no doubt that in my deepest sorrow I felt great comfort and peace from God.  I felt the arms of Jesus surrounding me and I felt His firm and loving embrace.  I felt that He cried with me.  Did this mean that I cried less tears?  No.  I was heartbroken in a way I didn't know was possible.  I had hoped for a child of my own for years and the second I found out I was pregnant I felt love bursting out of me for these growing cells that were nothing short of a beautiful life to me.  To make matters worse, when I suspected there was a problem I went to the doctor and they checked me over and they found the baby's heartbeat.  I saw it beating and felt incredible relief.  I was told to go home and rest.  I stayed in bed terrified to move afraid that I would put my baby in danger if I moved the wrong way.  I was hopeful that things would be alright, but when I went back to the doctor in a few days my baby was gone.  


This next part may appear unrelated...but please bear with me.  If you have grown up in the church or have attended somewhat frequently, chances are you have heard a preacher say that we tend to view our heavenly Father like we do our earthly father.  If we had a safe and trustworthy father that raised us then likely it will be easier to trust God in the same way.  Over and over you hear of people that grew up with a volatile father or a distant or unreliable father and those people often have difficulty fully trusting that our Heavenly Father will be different.  I don't know if it's true for everyone, but has been true in my life.  I fully trusted my father.  He showed me over and over through the years that he loved me no matter what and that he was a safe haven for me.  He was gentle and reliable and I knew that he always wanted the very best for me.  


When I was in my early twenties I began dating a man that was not good for me.  He was all over the map and kept me on an emotional roller coaster.  He was extremely jealous and had an explosive temper.  Despite these traits I thought I was madly in love.  One day my father and I were talking on the phone and he told me that this man was not right for me.  He told me that he loved me and wanted me to be happy, but that if I chose to continue my relationship with him I was doing it without his blessing.  I knew what I had to do.  Although I felt I was still very much in love I ended the relationship with the man immediately.  I knew in my heart that it had to be difficult for my dad to say those things to me and that if he said that to me then he must have been seeing something that I didn't see.  I trusted my father.  


Back to my miscarriages.  In my darkest moments I trusted my heavenly Father.  I still wondered why, I was still broken, I still sobbed countless tears.  The difference was that I didn't cry alone.  I still felt every bit of the pain and even now as I type this years later I have tears welling up in my eyes.  Trusting God doesn't mean there will be an absence of pain.  Life brings pain.  Life with the Lord means you never go through the pain alone.  I remember when going through my second miscarriage the song "Praise you in the Storm" by Casting Crowns had just come out.  I could not listen to that song without crying.  I remember telling God over and over "I trust you Lord, but I'm hurting and I don't understand."  In time I learned to be at peace with what I didn't understand.  One day I will have the answers I seek and I truly am at rest in that.


One last side note, if you happened to have a friend who tragically goes through the loss of a baby, though well intended, saying things like, "you can try for another", or "it was for the best" is really not helpful.  (I was repeatedly told both of those things)  There really are no words that very helpful in the midst of the pain.  Everyone grieves in their own way.  Some welcome company and hugs, and other may need some space to just be.  Say lots of prayers and comfort as you feel led.