I'm going home

The other day I started off a blog by saying that I didn't really know what I wanted to write.  Well, today I REALLY don't know what exactly I want to write, but I'm going home and there is a really good reason why, and I'm feeling lead to write about it. 

Last week I began taking a training class for prayer ministry.  What is that?  Well, in a nutshell there is a lot of hurt, pain, unforgiveness, resentment, depression, loneliness  and hardened hearts our there.  We have an all powerful God that is ready, able and willing to heal our hurts and change our lives for the better and if I'm able to help someone turn their heart toward that healing I want to be a part of it.   I knew the class would be intensive and I knew it would bring up things in my own life and that if there were things left undone it would be obvious pretty quickly.  It didn't take long.  There is quite a bit of reading involved in this class and with every chapter I read I was feeling more and more tugging at my heart.  I have unresolved junk.  I could get upset since I have been dealing with the "junk" for years now and goodness, how much junk can one heart hold?  (if you know that answer please don't tell me....I don't really want to know)  I'm not upset though, not in the slightest.  I'm thankful that I'm seeing it so that I can deal with it and be set free from the chains that are still holding me down. 

If you have read my previous posts or if you know me you know I was blessed to have an incredibly dad who loved me and built me up for 27 years.  He was a great guy.  You may also have gathered that I have never really had a close relationship with my mother.  Now that I'm 40.... something  I of course see my childhood in a completely different light.  I am not angry with my mother for what she was unable to give me and I believe she gave all she had to give.  In her defense she was up against my dad who had love pouring out of him constantly.  He never ran dry.

I have been in counseling and I have discussed my relationship with my mother at length and I forgave her for things and I also asked for forgiveness for some of my responses to her over the years.   I had probably judged her, and I asked for forgiveness.  It was done, right? 

Fast forward  a few years.........

I have two little girls of my own.  I hug them and hug them and snuggle them and kiss them and then when I'm done I hug them some more.  Sometimes when I'm hugging Haylee I'm not thinking about how thankful I am that dad showed me so much love, I'm thinking about the hugs that I never got from my mother.  Judgement.  I get frustrated and raise my voice to my girls and my thoughts go to my mother and how I got this from her.  Judgement.   Sometimes I don't want to play my little pony, I want to sit on the couch and read my magazine, just like my mother.  Judgement.  sometimes I just want to be alone and not deal with anyone or anything having to do with the house, just like my mother.  Judgement.   It was done, right?  Wrong. 

I have to go home.  My mother is too old and she wouldn't comprehend a conversation about any of this.  I have no intention of attempting a conversation as that would be more hurtful to her than anything.  I just want to hug her and look her in the eyes and feel the love that I know in my heart is there even without her saying a word.  If I don't find it then she can look into my eyes and see the love that I know is there for her.  I want to hold her hand and pray to God for forgiveness for holding judgement over her and for blaming so many of my shortcomings on her.  I am so sorry. 

My mother had limitations.  I have limitations, and mine have nothing to do with hers.  I'm ready to own up to what is mine.  I'm ready to take back what I've been pushing onto my mother and I'm taking it straight to the cross where it will be gone for good.

I've got lots of love, and I have a mom that could probably use a hug, so I'm going home.

Believing the Lies

Tonight was a difficult night.  Monday is just a full day with some of the extra things we have going on.  We are definitely not ones to over-schedule, and what we have going on is doable.... it just makes for a long day that just keeps going non stop until bedtime.   When I finally got home it was time to get some dinner together for the hungry brood, so I was scrambling to get my gourmet spaghetti dinner in the works.  While I was waiting for the spaghetti to cook I decided to multi-task and make the girls' lunches for the next day.  I got the lunches done just as the spaghetti was about ready...perfect timing!!!  I get the plates out only to realize that I totally forgot to put the garlic bread in the oven and I also forgot about the salad in the fridge.  Big deal right?  To me it was.  I was defeated.  What kind of a mother/wife am I that I can't even boil spaghetti AND put some garlic bread in the oven?  I felt like a failure.  I can't seem to keep the dishes out of the sink, get the clothes into the washer and now I can't even make the easiest meal a success.  I was sinking lower and lower by the second.  A few hours before I was reading a book and it was talking about all we pass on to our children and how most of it is from what they see NOT what they hear us say.  This being fresh in my mind I was quite certain my girls were doomed.  Brian was watching me spiral downward and was more than a little perplexed at my reaction to the events.  Close to tears  I said "do you want to know why I'm so upset?"  I told him about the book I was reading and told him that this is not what I want to pass on to my girls.  He said, "Are you kidding?  Do you really think THIS is what you're giving to them?"  He went on to list all the things that he notices that I do "right" every day without fail.  I have to tell you, he was rather convincing. A few minutes later when he walked by I gave him the biggest hug ever and thanked him for saying what he did.  He really did turn my night around.


Remember the movie "Pretty Woman"?  I don't remember exactly what she said but it was something like the bad things people say about you are so much easier to believe than the good things.  Why is this?  Why was I so ready to believe that I was a complete failure as a wife and a mother because of garlic bread?  What was I so ready to believe that I have doomed my children to lives of inadequacy?  Lies, lies, lies.   In the moments that I was believing this garbage I wasn't the most pleasant.  I was snippy, beyond cranky and ready to snap if you looked at me.  I was miserable.  I was right where the enemy wanted me.  In that state of mind the enemy could have planted all sorts of additional lies in my head and I would have sucked up every single one.   


Philippians 4:7,8 says "And the peace of God , which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."  


It is SO imperative that we guard our thoughts.  So many things both good and bad begin with a tiny little thought.  Whatever we feed is going to grow.  Allowing lies to swirl around in our head is pretty ripe soil and those lies grow so quickly taking on a life of their own in no time flat.   At the same time, what if we WERE to think on the things that we are told to?  The next verse says that if we put these things into practice "...the God of peace will be with you."   This is not the first verse I've seen that refers to God as the "God of peace".  How awesome that we serve a God that knows EXACTLY what we need even before we know our needs.  He knew we'd need peace, so it's there for the asking.  Always.    Good gravy I hope next time I ask.  :)

Giving what you've got

I don't have all my thought put together on this...so bear with me.  I thought writing would help me think through what's going through my head.  


Haylee just turned 4 but she certainly has the drama of a teenager already.  She has an incredibly sweet spirit, but along with being sweet her spirit is also very sensitive.  I fear there will be much heartbreak in her future.  I got a little taste of what the future could very well be like today.   I asked her to go in and get dressed and a few minutes later she asked me to pick out some undies for her.  Mind you...I NEVER pick the right pair.  She wants me to pick, but I have to pick correctly.  I played along anyway and picked a cute pair which she quickly rejected.  I put them back and carefully chose another pair.  She wasn't pleased with that choice either and wasn't very nice about letting me know.  I told her that I didn't like the way she was treating me and that she had to pick her own and I left her room.   She started to cry.  About five minutes later I went past her room and she was still whimpering.  Something told me that this was about more than undies, so I went in and laid down on her bed next to her and I put my arms around her and held her.   She asked "Mama, are you holding me to make me feel better?"  I said "Yes, Haylee, I am."   A minute or so later she says, "Well, it's working a little, but there are still some tears coming out."  I said, "That's alright, I'll hold you until they are all gone."  I continued to hold her and in a few minutes her world was back to right.  Did I do anything amazing?  No.  I just reminded her with my embrace that I love her.  


I grew up with a mother and a father that were very different.  My mother stayed at home with us, she made all our meals, did all of our laundry,and met our basic needs, but she was not very affectionate.  I knew that she loved me, but she was never able to show it in the ways that my father was able.  I think back to my teen years which were pretty painful and lonely and I can't tell you what I have given for my mother to see my hurt and just put her arms around me so that I could feel her love.   My father on the other hand never let a day go by without hugging me and kissing me and telling me that he loved me.  In all honesty I can't recall a day in my childhood that my dad didn't show me his love.  It was the best gift he could have ever given me.  


I am not angry with my mother for not giving me more.  I went through times of anger, but I'm not angry anymore.  I'm sad that my mother didn't learn how to love the way I learned to love.  I'll never know what happened or didn't happen in my mother's life that caused her to be so cautious with her affections, even with her children.  I don't know if it's true....but I believe she would have liked to have been able to give more.  


My father was just a loving man.  He was so likable and happy, and that man loved the Lord with every fiber of his being.  Everyone loved Carl Miller, he was just a guy that you could not help but be drawn to.   This amazing man was the one that showed me what it means to love someone.  He showed me that if you love someone you tell them, and you tell them often.  He showed me that a hug can change a person's day, and that hugs are GOOD.  Dad taught me worlds more than that, but lately I'm seeing that what has been passed on to me is priceless and very precious.  


I posted the other day about a little boy named "George".  Since that post I have been thinking so much about what I have and don't have to give to others.  I never really thought of "loving" as being something to offer someone.  I'm seeing that I was wrong about that.  The ability to love is not something that everyone possesses.  For some it is a very difficult task, for others it is just too risky and it's something they never really learn to do, like my mother.  


I don't know exactly what this means....I do know that I'm working in a daycare center and there are a lot of little souls that could use a smile and a hug....and I'm super-qualified for that job.   There are little ones that have a bad day and just need to be held....I can do that.  There are little ones that fall down and scrape their knee, or bump their head....I have a hug for that too.  


I'm not a perfect mother.  I so wish the little things didn't send me to the moon...but sometimes they do.  I do a lot of things wrong, and really wish a had an extra helping of patience.  However...I'm realizing that what I am able to give my girls is something they will never stop needing.  They will always need my love, and that is something I will never run out of for them.  With all that I do wrong, I can give them what I've got, and that's love.

Diamonds in the Rough

In high school didn't we all have a "BFF" or 2 or 12 if you were lucky?  Well, I'm way past my high school years but I still have a "BFF" and her name is Michelle.  I don't even really like to call her a friend because she's just so much more to me than a friend.  I like to call her my significant other other (since we are both married to our "others").   Without trying to age us, we have been friends for close to 20 years and she honestly becomes more of a treasure to me with every passing year. She is definitely a treasure, but she is no the diamond in the rough.  If she was a diamond though she would be the brightest the world has ever seen.  (This post is not about my friendship with Michelle...it's just hard to mention her name and not say a few words about how amazing she is)


Michelle and her husband have a love for animals, but dogs in particular.  They take the responsibility of owning a dog very seriously as any pet owner should.   If there was such a thing as reincarnation I'd want to come back as their dog!   A few years ago they decided it may be time to add to the family and began searching for the right dog to adopt.  They both fell in love with this goofy looking Brittany that was so goofy looking he was somehow cute.  The previous owner gave the dog rave reviews and soon "Ty" entered the family.  Their world was never the same again.  Ty was a bad dog.  He was naughty.  He barked and barked and barked and barked.  He jumped, he was hyper, he ate things, he destroyed things...he was bad.  Weeks after they adopted him Michelle would call me after getting home from work and tell me horror stories about the messes he would make and the crazy things he would eat.  Countless hours were spent in effort to properly train him and it just seemed like an impossible task.  He was stressing Michelle out to say the least.  This went on and on and on.  I  told her on a few occasions that I didn't think I would keep a dog like that.  I don't think I would have.  I think I would have taken him back to the pound.  Michelle and Greg didn't take him back to the pound.  That was not an option for them. They dealt with the frustration and kept doing the things that they knew the dog needed them to do and they continued to love him.   I did not love Ty.  He was making the life of someone I love very difficult and I didn't like that.  Fast forward a little....today I love Ty.  I truly do.  He is a sweet dog with a great little personality.  You would never know it was the same dog they adopted a while back.  Love is powerful for people...it's powerful for a dog too.  


There is a very humbling lesson in this for me.  I have always considered myself a loving and giving person, but I don't think I could have loved the way Michelle did.  Michelle got frustrated by Ty, there is no doubt about that, but she was able to see past the bad behavior to the amazing companion that she trusted was in there somewhere.  She understood that Ty was not getting what he needed previously.  He wasn't properly cared for, and he wasn't loved.  Michelle and Greg gave him the proper environment and he eventually thrived.


I'm working as an assistant in a day care center.  There is a little boy there that reminds me of Ty.  I hate to compare a boy to a dog, but certainly I don't mean it in a disrespectful way to this little boy.  I'll call him George.   George can be bad.  He doesn't listen, he can't sit still, can't keep his hands to himself, doesn't follow the rules, he makes a lot of strange noises...he's hard.  To be perfectly honest I didn't think he belonged in our program.  Our program is not designed for children with special needs, we are not trained to properly handle them, and I thought it took away from the other kids that were there.   I guess I was ready to send him back to the pound.   


It's a good thing I don't make the rules.  (that's good for several reasons by the way).   My boss, like Michelle, sees past the behavior to the little boy that is crying out for the things he needs but has not gotten.  (George was adopted too).  It can be pretty difficult to figure out exactly what those needs are and thankfully for George there are people unlike me that will take the painstaking time to discover what those needs are.   George is not a dog.  He is a precious little boy that God created for a divine purpose on this earth.  He has a soul and he has a heart that needs to be treated with the same care that every one of us desires and deserves because hearts are so fragile and are so easily be broken.  


This week I looked at George through different eyes.  I asked myself how I could help give this boy what he needs to thrive.  I don't know how much I have to offer George, but today after I had to put him in timeout I went over to where he was and I sat down next to him.  I talked to him softly and I rubbed his back and within 2 minutes he was laying in my lap.  I choked back tears.  They were tears of guilt, tears of thankfulness that my eyes had been opened, and tears of happiness that I did in fact have something George needed to thrive....Love.  You know what the really great thing is?  I didn't just give it....I got it right back.  I'll never look at George the same again.  He is not a problem child to be shoved under the rug, not by me or by anyone.  He is a boy that has some special needs and it will probably take some time and effort to get his needs met, but doesn't he deserve whatever effort it takes?  The answer is yes.  If we are really honest...aren't we all diamonds in the rough?  I thought I sparkled here and there...but I still need a lot of buffing for sure.  


So here I sit typing.  I'm humbled but really am truly thankful for the lessons I have learned and will continue to learn from fellow diamonds in the rough.  

Glasses

I lost my glasses.  I really don't know how something so important could be lost.  I was careful (or so I thought) to put them with the absolute staples for everyday.  You know, the things that no day should ever be without like the coffee maker and makeup.   I wasn't too worried because I just knew they'd show up.  Well, we've been here since August and no sign of my glasses.  I did find and old pair with an old prescription and they are sufficing for the moment. 

I have really bad eyesight and have had glasses as long as I can remember.  My eyesight is so bad that I don't even attempt the most basic things without them on.  No joke, without them I could easily misjudge the stairs and take a tumble or brush my teeth with hair gel.  Yeah, it's not good.  I know my limitations and don't even step one foot out of bed without them on.  I am 100% dependent on my glasses and/or contact lenses. 

Why am I writing about this?  Well, I was attempting to take a nap a few minutes ago since my sick little girl made my night of sleep very punctuated.  I am wearing my glasses today and I had taken them off and put them on my chest while I tried to rest.  I happened to open my eyes and I forgot I didn't have my glasses on and I panicked for a second until I remembered my glasses were right in front of me.  It made me think....

What if I was as dependent on God as I am on my glasses?  What if I didn't even take a step without Him? What if I didn't even consider taking a step out of bed without saying hello to God and asking Him to help me through my day.  How different would my days be if every moment I was looking at life with His eyes?  Do I depend on God?  Sure I do.  Do I talk to Him and ask for His wisdom and peace and so many other thing?  Sure I do.  Could I depend on Him more?  I sure could.   Sometimes it can be discouraging when I think of how far I have to go when it comes to my relationship with the Lord.  However, I do know that being aware of areas that could use some attention is more than half the battle.  So, now that I can clearly see the problem...I'll be striving for less of me, more of Him.    Strange as it may sound, there is amazing freedom in complete dependence on the Lord. 

Forgive and Forget

Yesterday was a rough morning in the Paap house.  I wish it wasn't so, but when Mommy's having a rough morning EVERYONE is having a rough morning.  It wasn't supposed to be bad.  I got up early enough to enjoy a cup of coffee outside and had a good 45 minutes to myself which was glorious.  When I came back in to get the girls ready I realized that I was cutting it a bit short on time.  Anyone every try to rush a 2 and 4 year old?  It was going well until I tried to get Haylee to take her allergy medicine.  She just wasn't in the mood.  Frankly, since I had 90 seconds to get to work on time neither was I.  If I wouldn't have pushed her and given her a minute to collect herself I'm certain she would have taken it fine.  She didn't like being pushed.  Seeing that I was in a rush I resorted to raising my voice at her.  It worked.  She took her medicine....but then medicine wasn't all that was taken...so was every hint of the joy of the morning. 

By the time I got to work I felt horrible.  Haylee was going to start her day of preschool with Mommy yelling at her for something that was Mommy's fault.  I got her out of the carseat and I got down face to face with her and I told her how sorry I was for yelling at her.  I told her that Mommy was wrong and I asked her to forgive me.  My precious little girl forgave me and then asked me to forgive her for not taking her medicine when I asked her to.  We hugged each other and the day was on an upswing.

We got home in the afternoon and I wanted to her take a rest.  Haylee asked me to snuggle with her so I laid down beside her.  Looking into her little innocent face I again thought about the morning and how awful I was to her.  I apologized to her again for yelling at her.  Immediately I realized she had long forgotten it, but she did say "Mommy, I still forgive you for that."  To her it was over and done with.  Her face told me that she was a bit perplexed that I would bring up something that was gone from her memory bank. 

I got the message.  It was a beautiful one, and one that I've gotten before.  We serve a God that is the master and forgiving and forgetting.  He tells us that once forgiven our sins are as far as the east is from the west.  My little 4 year old can forgive and forget, why is is that we get a little older and it seems like we lose the ability to do that.  I also find it strange that I personally seem to be able to forgive other people long before I'm able to forgive myself.  I can't tell you how many times I've asked God to forgive me for the same mistakes.  I'm sure He's up there thinking the same thing Haylee was..."Um...Janiece...Still forgave you for that...let it go, I have." 

The lessons we learn from the little souls.  I love that God uses even our little children to teach us.  I know that I have so much to learn from the gift of my daughters.   Certainly it is our job to teach them, but how lovely it is that they teach us right back....if we are paying attention. 

Simplicity

My last post wasn't the most uplifiting.  I realize this.  I have spoken to enough mothers out there to know that we all have times where we are just plain overwhelmed and there's just no masking that.  Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a HORRIBLE masker anyway.  If I feel it you know it. 

It's been a strange weekend.  I've been exhausted, a little down, and just short with the girls and really anyone else within a 3 foot radius.  I look around at my little house that I love and I'm seeing that lately I'm not enjoying the charm it it all...I'm seeing the list of things that need to be done and frankly I'm stuck wondering where to begin.  Remember the story in the Bible where Mary and Martha are visited by Jesus and Mary is at His feet listening to his words and Martha was busy working away in the kitchen preparing a meal for everyone and got pretty annoyed that Mary was just sitting there and not helping her?  Jesus said "Martha, Martha, you are worried about many things..."  Sometimes I ever so softly hear the echos of "Janiece, Janiece, you are worried about many things!"  Now, before anyone thinks for a second that I'm comparing myself to kitchen Martha....hold your laughter.  I'd be at Jesus' feet listening to a good story before I'd step foot in a kitchen hands down!  I'm not a meticulous housekeeper by any stretch of the imagination, but when I have a lot on my mind I just can't handle clutter or things being undone.  I just want things to be simple.  Simplicity calms me...always has.  Here's something I wrote back in 2002.  I came across it while unpacking boxes and I don't think it's a mistake that I found this.

Simplicity

Simplicity

Has eluded me

I've searched so long

Where could it be?

The craziness

It has no end

Destruction in it's path

Who can mend?

I will find simplicity

I'll search high and low

And land and sea.

Once it's mine

I'll hold on tight

My life will no longer

Be a fright.

Yes, this is my mission

It is driving me

It will be mine

Simplicity.

I'll wake early

No time to lose

I can't relax

For an extra snooze.

I'll not stop

Throughout the day

There were roses

In that field you say?

I'll be focused

I'll be strong

I've no time to hear

My favorite song.

Of course I still call you friend

You're in my heart

that has no end.

But I can't talk

Can't you see?

I must find Simplicity!

The sun is setting

But I can't stop to see

What's needed here

Is consistancy.

The moon is full

But I am drained

This journey is long

My body's strained.

It's been days

Since I've had rest

How can this possibly

Be what is best?

In desperation

I'll soon wake

How much searching

Can I take?

Perhaps I'll stop

And rest a while

It's peaceful here

I won't fight the smile.

What was that?

Was that a bird?

That's the most beautiful sound

I've ever heard!

I close my eyes

What do I see?

By my side

All along

Was Simplicity.

1/17/02

JEM

I guess this just reminds me that we are always surrounded by the simple things that give us joy.  It's just a matter of stopping long enough to enjoy them.  It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day things that capture so much of our energy.  It takes effort to simplify....but I don't know one person that has ever regreted it.  I think I just might give it another shot.  Care to join me?

My Turn

I've got to say it's been a rough week.  Somehow both of my little ones got a staph infection and developed painful sores.  Haylee handled it really well as did Kerrington for the most part, but Kerrington would wake up after the motrin wore off in the middle of the night and be in pain and then it was hard for her to get back to sleep....therefore hard for mommy to get back to sleep.  This infection kept us from doing our usual weekly activities and kept us housebound which was hard on us all.  Tempers are short all around and we are all just ready to get back to normal days.  Yesterday Kerrington was having a fit about who knows what and came to me and said "my turn Mama!!!"  I told her "you know what Kerrington...It's mommy,s turn!!"  It truly is my turn.  Mommy needs a timeout.  The thing is that Mommy doesn't always get a turn.  I'm a little pouty about that today.  I'm impatient today.  Today I want to actually feel like I've accomplished something, but when little ones are off the accomplishment is keeping them content and comfortable.  The results aren't as visible as one would hope.  Today I'm struggling with the laundry STILL not being done, the kitchen needing to be cleaned yet again, the toys being all over the place and the list goes on and on.  I know I'm certainly not alone in this.  This is just a day in the life of any mother or father trying to keep up with a house that has littles in it.  It's getting the best of me today.

Where does this take me?  Haha, absolutely nowhere.  Soon after I write this I'll shake my head and get it together, maybe grab another cup of coffee and make another solid attempt at the list of to do's.  It would be nice if there was a clear message in everything, but today I'm just being.  Sometimes you have to JUST BE so that you CAN BE. 

I'm incredibly thankful for a husband that understands that I need a turn and does all he can to give me time to myself to regroup, relax and just be. 

Wounds....oh, and preschool

Today was Haylee's first day of preschool.  I sent a picture of her on her way out the door to Brian and he asked me if I was sad.  I told him that it's hard to be sad when she is so excited and so happy about something new.  I won't be surprised if it hits me...but to be honest, things have been hitting me since she was born.  It hit me when she moved up to a bigger size, it hit me when she smiled the first time, it hit me when she sat up, it hit me when she giggled, it hit me when she started to crawl, then walk, then talk....you get my point.  I think I've done as good a job as I could have at savoring the moments as they were and are happening.  It's going by faster than I wish it was....but I'm not missing the moments and I have no regrets. 

I had to say a few words about preschool....Brian thought my blog would be all about preschool today, however, it's not what is swirling around my little brain this morning.  A few days ago both of the girls started to get these little sores.  I thought they were mosquito bites that they were picking at.  Both of the girls find open wounds more entertaining than a trip to Toys R US.  (That must come from Brian)  These sores weren't getting better, but they were getting bigger.  By Monday both girls had sores big enough that I knew a trip to Urgent Care was in our near future.  Somehow they got a staph infection and they were put on antibiotics.  Kerrington has a good size sore right on her tummy and I've been keeping in covered because she picks at it.  Last night in the middle of the night she meanders up to our bed and she is soon screaming in pain.  She scratched off her bandage and had obviously been itching it and made it much worse.  I gave her some advil and a big bandage to cover it and pleaded with her (as much as one can plead with a 2 year old at 5 am) to leave it alone.  She finally fell back to sleep and I sat there staring at my beautiful little one who doesn't see what I see.  All she knows is that her boo boo itches as it's healing and if she itches it it feels better for a second.  As her mommy I know that itching it is going to tear it open and the healing has to start all over and she's going to be in even more pain.  What is more heartwrenching for a parent than seeing your child hurt? 

Here's where this takes me.

Where I'm going is obvious I'm sure.  We are God's children and he loves us more dearly than we can ever imagine.  I'm sure it grieves him greatly when we pick at our wounds prohibiting our healing.  Don't we do it all the time just like my girls?  We make mistakes in our marriages that cause great wounds and then instead of working toward healing it starts to itch and we dig again because it offers some temporary relief.  Oh, it's not just our marriages.  Personally I do it with food too!  Nothing spells relief like a pint of Ben & Jerry's.....but the satisfaction certainly doesn't translate on the scale the next morning.  That may seem like a trivial example, but it's what came to mind.  It's just that we all tend to get in the way of our own healing sometimes and just like I shake my head at my little ones I'm sure God sometimes shakes he head at us.  He wants to see us whole for a host of reasons.  It brings Him glory, it brings us happiness, it makes our lives full, it enables us to be useful to others and it enables us to make the most of the life we've been given. 

It doesn't matter how old we are, to God we are still His children and he cherishes us at 40 or 60 or 20 the same way we cherish our little newborns.  He never stops looking at us with that fresh love and never stops wanting all the best things for us.  Now, if we could just stay out of our own way and let the healing begin.

Screens

The other day I was sorting through boxes in our garage and I happened to look up at the window and couldn't help but notice all the dirt and bugs on the window sill.  There was a ton of dirt and quite an assortment of bugs that lets just say were not a threat to anyone any longer.   I imagine the bugs were trying to fly out the window but obviously couldn't get past the screen. 

A window sill full of bugs.  Could this possibly take my mind somewhere?  Yup.  Believe it or not it could.  Here's where it takes me.

I chuckled to myself as I pictured a nice big screen over my mouth.  It wouldn't be the most attractive accessory...but my husband might appreciate it!  I've never really been one to get angry and say a bunch of things that I wished I could take back.  Does that mean that I don't have regrets about the things that fly out of my mouth?  Hardly.  It's almost worse because I think about it and decide that it still should be said!!!  I can't even use the excuse that something was said in the heat of the moment.  No....for some bizarre reason I am sometimes under the illusion that I have a right to say what I'm saying because my opinion matters more than someone's feelings.   Those words hurt to even type.  The Bible says that the tongue is a force to be reckoned with and even asks "who can tame it?"  It's not easy, but we CAN learn to control what flies out of our lips.   There are times when we are oversensitive and take more of an offense than we need to...and there are times when words are spoken that are simply hurtful and they cut like a sharp little paring knife.  There is incredible power in our words and we can use them build others up or tear them down and suprisingly the effort required is the same.   There is no screen for our words, but we can pray for wisdom and discernment regarding the things we say and even in the way we interpret what others say.   Lets keep the nasty bugs on the other side of the screen.

Beauty in waiting

We are home from our little vacation at the beach.  It really was a good time and extra special to watch the girls have so much fun by the ocean.  Watching them as they experience something completely new was so enjoyable.  After we got home we unloaded the van and I started cleaning the trash out and on the way back from a trip to the house I saw the most beautiful butterfly fluttering around the van.  I stopped in my tracks.  I have seen this butterfly or ones like it a few times since moving here.  It is mostly black with beautiful shades of dark blue on the inside lower part of the wings, and on the outside it is black with some blue and dark orange spots.  Really beautiful.  I've tried to get a close look at him before, but I got too close too fast and it flew away.  So, having learned from the last time, I was still.  I watched him as he showed off his beauty before my eyes.  I think he much have felt his admiring audience of one.  He was flying very close to me and landed on the van.  I slowly put out my hand next to where he landed and after a few minutes he put out his feelers and before you knew it he was in the palm of my hand.  I smiled (albeit carefully...didn't want to spook him with too much of a smile) as I looked at the amazing creature that was allowing me to experience all the beauty he had to offer.

There are so many times that I've rushed into things and missed the beauty that was right there for me had I been a little more patient.  My head could just explode with examples.  I'm sure we've all missed things in the rush...lets be honest, don't we do it every day?  Some of the most precious moments of my day are when I'm putting my little ones to bed.  Reading books to Haylee and listening to her end of the day ramblings are sometimes hilarious, sometimes ridiculous and sometimes so touching that it brings tears to my eyes.  Knowing this you'd think I'd be chomping at the bit to cherish those times, right?  Sometimes yes...and sometimes to be honest it's yet another thing that is still on my list of things to do at the end of the day. 

You know what the really awesome thing is?  There is always, without fail, more things to cherish and admire.  If we miss one thing we can be more cognizant and certainly try our best not to miss the next one.  I don't think I know one person who enjoys waiting.  It's not fun.  We anticipate something and we want it.  Straight up.  I'm not known for my patience, that's for sure.   I am learning though, maybe not as quickly as some, but I'm learning that there is beauty and even joy in waiting. 

The Beach

I am at the beach.  It's a wonderful place to be.  It's a quiet beach...not crowded...everyone is friendly...water is warm...sand is soft...it's lovely.  It is no secret that if one is going to spend time by the water that sunscreen is an absolute must. Am I right?  Is this not the first thing you learn at going to the beach 101?  I know this. I covered my girls before they headed out to the beach very carefully.  I also sprayed myself down thoroughly as well before heading out...or so I thought.  Off I went to enjoy the wind and the waves.  I played frisbee with the guys...watched my girls have a blast chasing the birds and burying themselves in the sand.  I could feel that the sun was hot even thought there was a wonderful breeze that masked it well.  Haylee and I decided to go for a walk and while walking we met some little girls just her age and they started playing together and had a grand time.  I talked to the mother as our children played and this went on and on and on.  I didn't realize that I was standing directly in the sun the entire time.  When I got back to the house I realized that I was in trouble.  I was cooking myself and didn't even realize it.  The gentle breeze and my feet in the water totally masked the damage that was being done to the rest of me.  Needless to say it was a rough night.  My legs got the worst of it and it hurt to touch the sheet trying to sleep.  I was in pain, but in addition to that I was pretty mad at myself for letting myself get in that condition in the first place because I knew better and I thought I had taken the necessary precautions. 

Here is where this takes me.

The sun is not a bad thing.  It can be a bad thing if we don't respect it as we should, but it's not the sun's fault that I got burned.  It makes me think of being in the world.  If you think about the life of Jesus....He spent plenty of time under the umbrella of safety in prayer with the Father.  We are safe from the sun if we sit under an umbrella in the shade too.  However...Jesus didn't spend his time in ministry under an umbrella at all.  He was in the direct sunlight.  Jesus spend most of his time surrounded by sinners and the undesirables.  How did he not get burned?  Well, he spent time in prayer, which was probably his sunscreen...and I'm certain he reapplied as often as needed.  We are told that he was tempted in every way yet was without sin.  Amazing to think about isn't it?  When I think  back about the times I failed I get frustrated because looking back the remedy was so very simple!  Why didn't I just reapply the sunscreen of prayer?  Why didn't I take shelter under the umbrella of other believers?  It says in the Bible that in every temptation we are faced with God gives us a way out, there is always an escape.  Why don't we take it?  Well, sometimes it's much like the gentle breeze the kept me from feeling the pain of the damage that was being done.  The situations that we find ourselves in start in such a subtle way that we don't even know it until it is too late.  Sometimes we think that we are tough enough that we don't even need sunscreen...we can handle it.  Yup.  I've been guilty of that too. 

Oh, the lessons that we learn along the way.  The pain that we endure when we really didn't need to.  I have to say that the more I learn of this life and the more I learn of myself, the more I realize that there is way more that I can't handle than I can.  I'm OK with that, because the God I serve can handle it all.  My prayer for myself is that I remember that so I don't get burned again.