Giving what you've got

I don't have all my thought put together on this...so bear with me.  I thought writing would help me think through what's going through my head.  


Haylee just turned 4 but she certainly has the drama of a teenager already.  She has an incredibly sweet spirit, but along with being sweet her spirit is also very sensitive.  I fear there will be much heartbreak in her future.  I got a little taste of what the future could very well be like today.   I asked her to go in and get dressed and a few minutes later she asked me to pick out some undies for her.  Mind you...I NEVER pick the right pair.  She wants me to pick, but I have to pick correctly.  I played along anyway and picked a cute pair which she quickly rejected.  I put them back and carefully chose another pair.  She wasn't pleased with that choice either and wasn't very nice about letting me know.  I told her that I didn't like the way she was treating me and that she had to pick her own and I left her room.   She started to cry.  About five minutes later I went past her room and she was still whimpering.  Something told me that this was about more than undies, so I went in and laid down on her bed next to her and I put my arms around her and held her.   She asked "Mama, are you holding me to make me feel better?"  I said "Yes, Haylee, I am."   A minute or so later she says, "Well, it's working a little, but there are still some tears coming out."  I said, "That's alright, I'll hold you until they are all gone."  I continued to hold her and in a few minutes her world was back to right.  Did I do anything amazing?  No.  I just reminded her with my embrace that I love her.  


I grew up with a mother and a father that were very different.  My mother stayed at home with us, she made all our meals, did all of our laundry,and met our basic needs, but she was not very affectionate.  I knew that she loved me, but she was never able to show it in the ways that my father was able.  I think back to my teen years which were pretty painful and lonely and I can't tell you what I have given for my mother to see my hurt and just put her arms around me so that I could feel her love.   My father on the other hand never let a day go by without hugging me and kissing me and telling me that he loved me.  In all honesty I can't recall a day in my childhood that my dad didn't show me his love.  It was the best gift he could have ever given me.  


I am not angry with my mother for not giving me more.  I went through times of anger, but I'm not angry anymore.  I'm sad that my mother didn't learn how to love the way I learned to love.  I'll never know what happened or didn't happen in my mother's life that caused her to be so cautious with her affections, even with her children.  I don't know if it's true....but I believe she would have liked to have been able to give more.  


My father was just a loving man.  He was so likable and happy, and that man loved the Lord with every fiber of his being.  Everyone loved Carl Miller, he was just a guy that you could not help but be drawn to.   This amazing man was the one that showed me what it means to love someone.  He showed me that if you love someone you tell them, and you tell them often.  He showed me that a hug can change a person's day, and that hugs are GOOD.  Dad taught me worlds more than that, but lately I'm seeing that what has been passed on to me is priceless and very precious.  


I posted the other day about a little boy named "George".  Since that post I have been thinking so much about what I have and don't have to give to others.  I never really thought of "loving" as being something to offer someone.  I'm seeing that I was wrong about that.  The ability to love is not something that everyone possesses.  For some it is a very difficult task, for others it is just too risky and it's something they never really learn to do, like my mother.  


I don't know exactly what this means....I do know that I'm working in a daycare center and there are a lot of little souls that could use a smile and a hug....and I'm super-qualified for that job.   There are little ones that have a bad day and just need to be held....I can do that.  There are little ones that fall down and scrape their knee, or bump their head....I have a hug for that too.  


I'm not a perfect mother.  I so wish the little things didn't send me to the moon...but sometimes they do.  I do a lot of things wrong, and really wish a had an extra helping of patience.  However...I'm realizing that what I am able to give my girls is something they will never stop needing.  They will always need my love, and that is something I will never run out of for them.  With all that I do wrong, I can give them what I've got, and that's love.