I'm going home

The other day I started off a blog by saying that I didn't really know what I wanted to write.  Well, today I REALLY don't know what exactly I want to write, but I'm going home and there is a really good reason why, and I'm feeling lead to write about it. 

Last week I began taking a training class for prayer ministry.  What is that?  Well, in a nutshell there is a lot of hurt, pain, unforgiveness, resentment, depression, loneliness  and hardened hearts our there.  We have an all powerful God that is ready, able and willing to heal our hurts and change our lives for the better and if I'm able to help someone turn their heart toward that healing I want to be a part of it.   I knew the class would be intensive and I knew it would bring up things in my own life and that if there were things left undone it would be obvious pretty quickly.  It didn't take long.  There is quite a bit of reading involved in this class and with every chapter I read I was feeling more and more tugging at my heart.  I have unresolved junk.  I could get upset since I have been dealing with the "junk" for years now and goodness, how much junk can one heart hold?  (if you know that answer please don't tell me....I don't really want to know)  I'm not upset though, not in the slightest.  I'm thankful that I'm seeing it so that I can deal with it and be set free from the chains that are still holding me down. 

If you have read my previous posts or if you know me you know I was blessed to have an incredibly dad who loved me and built me up for 27 years.  He was a great guy.  You may also have gathered that I have never really had a close relationship with my mother.  Now that I'm 40.... something  I of course see my childhood in a completely different light.  I am not angry with my mother for what she was unable to give me and I believe she gave all she had to give.  In her defense she was up against my dad who had love pouring out of him constantly.  He never ran dry.

I have been in counseling and I have discussed my relationship with my mother at length and I forgave her for things and I also asked for forgiveness for some of my responses to her over the years.   I had probably judged her, and I asked for forgiveness.  It was done, right? 

Fast forward  a few years.........

I have two little girls of my own.  I hug them and hug them and snuggle them and kiss them and then when I'm done I hug them some more.  Sometimes when I'm hugging Haylee I'm not thinking about how thankful I am that dad showed me so much love, I'm thinking about the hugs that I never got from my mother.  Judgement.  I get frustrated and raise my voice to my girls and my thoughts go to my mother and how I got this from her.  Judgement.   Sometimes I don't want to play my little pony, I want to sit on the couch and read my magazine, just like my mother.  Judgement.  sometimes I just want to be alone and not deal with anyone or anything having to do with the house, just like my mother.  Judgement.   It was done, right?  Wrong. 

I have to go home.  My mother is too old and she wouldn't comprehend a conversation about any of this.  I have no intention of attempting a conversation as that would be more hurtful to her than anything.  I just want to hug her and look her in the eyes and feel the love that I know in my heart is there even without her saying a word.  If I don't find it then she can look into my eyes and see the love that I know is there for her.  I want to hold her hand and pray to God for forgiveness for holding judgement over her and for blaming so many of my shortcomings on her.  I am so sorry. 

My mother had limitations.  I have limitations, and mine have nothing to do with hers.  I'm ready to own up to what is mine.  I'm ready to take back what I've been pushing onto my mother and I'm taking it straight to the cross where it will be gone for good.

I've got lots of love, and I have a mom that could probably use a hug, so I'm going home.