I Just Have To Go THERE.

     Halloween.  How many blogs have been written in the past week on this topic?  Every year you see 100 different articles pop up on Facebook with every take imaginable on the "Holiday".  (I struggle to call it that).   I'll be honest...I read them.  It interests me and I'm intrigued by the different perspectives and a little amused by the "die hards".

     I remember trick or treating once or twice when I was little.  My parents were Christians and though they let us go a few times, as they grew in their faith they decided it was not something they chose to celebrate.  In addition...we lived in upstate NY and it's quite a challenge to put on a costume over a snow suit.  No joke. 

     Fast forward a while.  I can remember having an absolute BLAST dressing up as characters when I was in my 20's.  Let me tell you...I make a FABULOUS cowardly lion...an adorable Robin Hood...but no one could beat my friend Michelle and I as Wayne and Garth from "Wayne's World".  With my hair how could I not be great?   It was just fun dressing up and there wasn't anything "dark" associated with any of our outings. 

     Fast forward a little more.   Brian and I have 2 little girls and after lengthy discussions we decided a while back to forgo the trick or treating.  I debated this year.  School makes a huge deal over Halloween and lets face it....children LOVE to dress up...it just doesn't get much more fun than that.  Add some candy in there and you have some pretty happy kids to say the least.  My neighbor offered to take the girls with her and go to a very nice neighborhood that I was familiar with.  I battled within myself.  Halloween itself is certainly not a day I wish to celebrate... but I know full well that 95% of people just enjoy the costumes and candy, so what would it hurt to let my girls dress up and have fun collecting candy with other kids dressed up?   Halloween day Haylee borrowed a costume from the neighbor and went to school as Cleopatra...she was beautiful and had so much fun going to school in her flowy dress and beaded headband.   All day I thought about whether or not I should talk to Brian about allowing them to go trick or treating.  Suddenly there was just a check in my spirit that clearly said "no".   The debate was over. 

     I could write a few more paragraphs on why and why not, but I don't need to.  I clearly felt God tell me no and that is all that mattered.  I no longer cared what all the other Christians were doing or not doing.  I no longer questioned if I was keeping my girls from a fun experience with friends.  God told ME not to go.   Next year maybe we will feel differently, who knows.  What I do know is that when God prompts you to do or not do something it's best to listen and it doesn't make a hoot of a difference what instructions he gives or doesn't give anyone else. 

     Halloween night our family enjoyed a bonfire and we cooked hot dogs and roasted marshmallows for s'mores over the fire.  The girls ran around the yard in the dark with their big brother and had an absolute blast.  Both of the girls fell asleep in the arms of their parents wrapped in a blanket under the stars in the cool fall air.   I don't think they missed the candy, but I do believe we made a memory. 

Unwrapped Gifts

     Next week is my birthday and I got a wonderful gift this morning. A wonderful, but unwrapped gift.  Let me rewind just a little it to last night.

     I picked up my little girlies from school like I do on most days.  I needed a few groceries so I took them with me to Walmart where I was dangerously close to being "MAMA'D" to certain death.  We could surely retire and live a life of leisure if I got a dime for every "MAMA!!!" that entered my eardrum.  Anyway...from there it just turned into a whirlwind evening.  Nothing overly dramatic, just the non-stop end of the day events like dinner, homework, baths and bedtime, etc, etc. 

     At around 9:30 the girls were clean and happily entering into dreamland so I returned to the kitchen to finish cleaning up and begin making lunches for the next day.  Brian came in and asked me if I was almost done.  I had to snicker as I said, "not even close."  He sweetly asked if he could help.  273 things instantly popped into my head in regards to the preparations for the next day.  As nice as it was for him to ask to help it is honestly just easier for me to do it because I have the necessary "inside information".  (you moms know exactly what I mean by this)  Here is why.

     Brian is a wonderful dad as well as an attentive dad....but he just doesn't know what I know.  Making lunches is not just throwing a sandwich and some chips in a bag.  Nope.  Haylee loves a pepperoni sandwich....Kerrington does not.  You can ask Kerrington what she would like for lunch and she will tell you, but Haylee enjoys being surprised.  Both girls like a bagel with cream cheese for lunch, but with Kerrington's loose tooth I cut the bagel up into little pieces so she doesn't have to bite into it and hurt her tooth.  Both girls like yogurt, but Kerrington likes strawberry and Haylee likes key lime.  Kerrington likes both kinds, but Haylee prefers the "whipped" kind.  Both girls like carrots, but Haylee won't eat them without a little ranch dressing to dip them in....Kerrington doesn't like ranch dressing.  Kerrington like chocolate milk in her lunch occasionally...but she still wants water in her lunch too.  Haylee just wants water.  If a pouch of something goes into the lunch it needs to be opened and then closed so that they can get it opened in the lunch room without struggling.  Both girls get a snack for the afternoon, but Kerrington's needs to have her name written on it.   Also, they like to have a different snack everyday....not the same snack 2 days in a row.   Most importantly....both girls get a little love note from Mommy every day.  (one day of forgetting the note quickly made me realize that these mean more to them than I ever imagined...I had 2 girls close to tears telling me they couldn't find their note in their lunchbox.)  The note has to go in the little pocket in the front of their lunchbox otherwise the cold water will mess up the paper.  A little sticker goes on the note....and they enjoy having that as a surprise too. 

     Have I created demanding little monsters?  I don't think so.  I've been packing their lunches since they were babies and I have learned along the way the things they like and the things they don't.  If a little attention to detail makes them enjoy their lunch more why wouldn't I do it? 

     You might be thinking I have gone off on some crazy tangent (which I'm fully capable of), but I assure you I have not.  The gift I got this morning was the gift of perspective and appreciation.  When you are a stay at home mom the right perspective and appreciation for the tasks set before you can change your day....heck....it can change your year.

     I'll be the first one to admit that I do not always appreciate being a stay at home mom.  I have a bad habit of looking at all the things I DON'T accomplish in the course of a day and tend to look at myself as a failure.  WHY oh WHY can't I keep up with the laundry???  I just did the dishes...how can the sink be full again????    This morning I realized that all the little things that I am able to accomplish in the day do matter.  Cutting a bagel into little pieces to accommodate a loose tooth seems really small....but it's not a small thing to a 5 year old  that opens her lunch and sees that mommy was looking out for her.  I'm able say "I love you" to my little girls in 30 different ways without saying a word.   

     I don't know exactly what God has for me in the future....but today as I sit here typing I'm sitting up straight with my shoulders back and my head held high.  Today I am enjoying a new perspective on what I do and I have a renewed appreciation for it.   Today I'm exceedingly thankful for how intimately I know my little girls.  I am extremely fortunate to spend the time with them that I do and knowing the little intricacies of their personalities is a gift that I will cherish.   

Happy Birthday to me. 

Calling It Like It Is

     I was listening to the radio the other day and was struck by the wording in one of the commercials.  It was talking about being "credit challenged".  It didn't talk about having "bad credit", but rather "credit challenged".  For years and years I had stellar credit.  I paid my bills on time, paid ahead on my mortgage when I could and reaped the benefits of those decisions on my credit report.  Conversely, when the economy took a turn and I lost my business it took a huge toll on our financial world and my steller credit was no more.  I have to say though, I was not "credit challenged"....straight up, I then had BAD credit.  I wasn't challenged.  We were forced to make heartwrenching choices that for credit purposes were BAD.  There are a lot of people that have BAD credit.  Some are just not responsible enough for credit and let things slide resulting in bad credit.  Some people lose jobs or have health issues that result in mountains of medical bills that unfortunately result in bad credit. 

The problem here is that we aren't calling things what they are because we are afraid to "offend" with a word.  Somehow we are assuming that to call someone's credit score "BAD" we are calling the person bad.  Bad credit doesn't automatically equal bad people. 

I know full well that not everything is black and white.  There isn't always a pretty definition that things neatly fit in, but why are we so paralyzed by fear of offending with truth?  The truth can hurt, sometimes the truth doesn't need to be spoken, but there are times that it does need to be spoken and that's when we need to mix truth with wisdom and courage and discernment.  It's a good mix. 

As Christians we are called to speak the truth.  Specifically we are told to speak the truth in LOVE.  We aren't to use truth to hurt, but to help.  It's our job and there is no room for fear in that.

Sitting here I am thinking about a few examples of truth that I will need to explain to my daughter soon.  To be honest, I'm not looking forward to it.  Speaking and teaching truth to a 7 year old in a world that rejects God's truths is not easy.  I'll be asking for a lot of wisdom and an extra serving of discernment, and of course, a dallop of courage. 

Let's not be afraid to call things what they are when it is truth.....let's do it in love. 

"Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming.  Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

Ephesians 4:14-15

Great Expectations

     For the past few weeks we have been in the midst of a kitchen addition.  Our modest living room has been transformed into a living room, dining room, homework room, kitchen, play room and of course, my favorite...a mud room.  Needless to say, even I am ready for a kitchen again and I'm actually looking forward to cooking in it.  This past week the cabinets arrived and were installed and the empty room is starting to look like a real kitchen.  Being spatially challenged, I hired a designer to help out with the kitchen layout to help ensure that we were using the additional space wisely.  She drew out several options for us to look over and we were very excited about the layout we selected. 

Once the cabinets were in I started to closely examine my new kitchen now that I could truly "feel" how the layout was going to be and I have to say that I was a bit taken aback at how small the kitchen was.  Here is the funny thing.  I KNEW the size of the addition.  I KNEW it wasn't a huge addition because we had limited space to add on (not to mention a limited budget).  I looked at the layout and approved of the layout and yet here I was getting frustrated that I was getting what I asked for. 

I have to admit that I spent the night and the next morning pretty frustrated at what I "could have had".  In retrospect, we could have changed some things around to have a little more room, but in all honesty, it is going to be a beautiful little kitchen that will be significantly better that what we had before and we DO have a lot more space where we need it the most. 

I got thinking about those funny things we call expectations.  In marriage we hear quite a bit about "unmet expectations", and I decided that I really don't like that term at all.   Having an expectation unmet somehow sounds like the burden is on someone else to fullfill some need that I drum up in my head.  I decided that a better term is "un-managed expectations".  We all have expectations of our relationships whether they are in marriage, our friendships or even our work relationships.  It's our responsibility to express those expectations, and it is most definitely our responsibility to manage our expectations and ensure that they are realistic. 

I wonder how many marriages have dissolved because of "un-managed expectations"?  How many marriages have ended because someone got exactly what they signed up for?  Isn't it funny that we ask for something and we get it, and somehow we still find ourselves wanting more?   

I'm looking at my new adorable little kitchen and I have to say that I have deliberately "managed" my expectations and I love it.  Now that I'm done whining over what it isn't I can enjoy all the things it is.  I live in a small house and it's not a gourmet kitchen and I can't expect it to be something that it can't be.  The same goes for people.  What if we just love them where they are for what they are and for who they are?  This is an expectation that truly has the potential to be great. 

Father Knows Best

 We all know probably all to well how a little passing of time and/or a little reflection can completely change our perspective of something.   I've questioned God on several occasions perplexed by His plan, especially when it was so vastly different from my own.  Though there are still some things I wonder about,  most of the time once the dust settles I can see clearly why God told me no, or not now.

For years I ran a little appraisal company.  I was blessed with a successful business for several years.  Most of the time that I had my business I was single and was able to devote most (sometimes all) of my energy to it.  The mortgage industry is often "feast or famine", so you learn to work hard when the work is there.  In 2008 the market slowed down significantly, and so did my work.  Many of my faithful clients had to find other work because they weren't getting any business either.  My little girls were born in 2007 and 2009, so the dwindling work was alright since it would have required a lot of juggling.  

For some unknown reason, running an appraisal business wasn't that hard.  It required a great deal from me, but I knew what needed to be done and I did it.  To be honest, running that business was CAKE compared to taking care of two little girls, attempting to keep a house clean, doing laundry, grocery shopping, making meals, feeding cats, making Dr. appointments, dropping off, picking up, and the other 500 things that creep up in the course of a week. 

This morning I had a whole new appreciation for my failed business.  I could feel myself getting frustrated that it was taking 25 minutes for my girls to take 3 morsels of breakfast.  All I could think of is that getting my girls together and out the door for school was going to be the hardest part of my day (hopefully).  I didn't have to rush out with them to a job and come back home exhausted only to resume the daily requirements of running a house and caring for children. 

God knew that I could not run a business and be the mom I need to be.  God knew that if I had too much on my plate I would struggle to prioritize and the wrong things would suffer.  God knew that if the decision was left to me I would TRY to do it all...so He took the option off the table for me.  God also gave me a hard working husband who encourages me to stay home and is willing to go without things in order for that to be our reality.  

I still struggle to keep up with things in spite of being home, but I am working at it every day and eagerly await the day when it will all come together!  (if there is no such day please don't burst my bubble)

This is in no way intended to shine any form of negativity on working moms.  ALL moms are amazing regardless of whether they work inside or outside of the home.  My point is simply that God knows us so intimately that he knows our limitations better than we do.  He knows when to push us past what we think we can do, and He knows when to have us rest in what is before us. 

Right now I rest in what is before me.  (Which is a mountain of laundry...so it's a good time to sign off.)

I pray this brings a nugget of encouragement to someone who may need it. 

If you're teaching and you know it clap your hands

We have a little house that is set back quite a way from the road.  In front of us is another house and we share a small portion of the driveway.  On most days (don't judge) I get the mail when I'm returning from an errand or something.  On some days I'll grab myself a handful of trail mix and trek down the driveway on foot, but admittedly that is not the norm. 

In the house in front of us there lives an elderly lady that has some dementia and she lives there with her daughter.  Nine times out of ten when she sees my van stop at the mailbox she bolts out of house and waves me down.  I stop and chat with her and she asks me the same questions day after day without fail.  Most days I happily chat with her and she truly is a very sweet lady.  There was a day not too long ago, however, that I just wasn't in the mood for the questions and I was tired and just wanted to get home.  When I got in the van I mumbled something like "oh boy, here we go."  Of course I stopped and chatted with her and then was on my way.  The exchange took all of 30 seconds. 

The next day I stopped to get the mail she started to come out, only this time it was Haylee that was mumbling "oh boy, here we go again."  You should have heard me back-peddling....or at least attempting to.  We stopped and chatted with her and I then had to have a little chat with Haylee to explain to her that my response was not very kind and was not an appropriate response. 

A few days ago when she greeted me on the way OUT of my driveway she asked me if I could pick her up a few coloring books from the dollar store.  She really enjoys coloring.  I told her that I would if I had time, but that I had a very busy day.  It was true...I had a lot of things to get done in a short amount of time and if you know me at all you know I don't handle that stress all that well!!  (understatement alert) 

I immediately felt a gentle nudge from God.  I knew without a doubt that I needed to find 5 minutes to pick her up a few coloring books.  I had Haylee with me, so I said, "Haylee, I think we should stop at the dollar store first.  Will you help me pick out some books for her?"  She was very excited.  A few minutes later she said to me "Mama, it's very nice of you to get some coloring books for her."  She humbled me.  We had a beautiful little chat about how simple acts of kindness can make a person's day very happy.  I was so thankful that I didn't miss this amazing moment to teach Haylee a little bit about kindness. 

I learned a few rather important things through this little scenerio.  The glaring lesson of course is that like it or not I am teaching all the time.  Good moments and bad....they are watching and learning. 

The other think that smacked me in the backside was that I need to be kind even when I'm not in the mood.  I call myself a Christian and I need to do my best to represent what it is I claim to believe.  I have an elderly mother who depends on others for her care.  Would I want people caring for her that were annoyed at having to do so?  Of course not.  I learned my lesson. 

I know that I have written about a similar topic not too long ago.....but if I'm being reminded of it again so soon, perhaps someone else could use a refresher too.  There are so many times that I am teaching and I don't know it.  I do know this for a fact, however.....if I'm teaching it....I'd better live it too. 

Let your YES be YES. (and sometimes let your NO be YES)

This blog may be a bit challenging to write.  I want to be careful to be loving and respectful of someone I love very much.  Please keep this in mind.

I had a very peaceful, uneventful childhood for the most part.  I had parents who loved each other and loved all of their children very much.  I do recall several instances though that at the time were very disappointing for a child.  When I was young I really thought my mother's favorite word was "No."  Then after a while I decided that her favorite words were "It's not necessary."   My sister and I joke about it quite often since she heard the phrase more times that she could count as well.  Again, I must say that I am not trying to speak negatively of my mother, who I know fully in my heart loved me very much.  As an adult now I am able to see much more clearly what she must have been going through.  She had 6 children.  3 teenagers, (pause 9 years), then a 3 year old, a 1 year old and then a newborn.  She had her hands full.  She was tired.  Every parent is different and we all make mistakes or look back on things we would do differently if we could.   Anyway...the bottom line is that it was my perception, be it right or wrong, that I was often told "no."   Also....I detest the phrase "it's not necessary." 

On the other end of the spectrum, I have an amazing friend, Michelle, who has been my very closest friend for over 20 years.  I love her, admire her and respect her more than words can express.  She is a very gifted therapeutic preschool teacher.  Over the years we have had countless conversations about our childhoods, in the past 7 years we have had countless conversations about her classroom and the challenges that she faces, and the challenges I have faced with getting the hang of this whole parenting thing.  Michelle has taught me SO many things over the years and she has definitely helped me to be a better mother.  One thing that she has taught me that I recall often is the way she describes how she interacts with her students.  She said that she does her best to say "yes" as often as she can.  She used examples of how to avoid using the word "no" by offering other suggestions.  As an example, if her student wants to play in the mud, but that isn't allowed, then she will offer other similar fun activities such as "well, how about we play in the sandbox and make a tower?"  Here are some of her words that have been been branded into my brain.  During a conversation one day she said, "when a child asks me if they can do something I ask myself, 'what will it hurt?'."  "If it's something that won't hurt anything, then I try to say yes."

I honestly do try to remember that concept...isn't it great?  It truly is great, but it isn't always easy to put into practice.  Someday I really am going to count how many questions and requests I get in a day.  I believe the tally would be staggering. 

In further honesty, sometimes I just don't have the energy to say yes.  There you have it.  There are times I say no because I just don't feel like it.  We have all been there, and sometimes the answer HAS to be no because though THEY can run 24-7, WE can not.

Last night at around 9:30 (please no lectures about late bedtime) Kerrington came upstairs with her arms chuck full of books for me to read her right as I was about to crawl into my favorite spot on my bed and watch my favorite guilty pleasure on TV. (Bachelorette, or course)  There it was.  Right then and there I had a choice to make.  I could have easily sent her back downstairs for bedtime.  Michelle's words popped into my brain..."what will it hurt?"  I paused my show and she crawled up into my bed and we read the stack of books not once, but twice.  Guess what?  It didn't hurt.  It didn't hurt at all.  Sitting here typing this I have a little smile on my face remembering her little face as she listened to me read.  Reading to Kerrington at that moment WAS absolutely necessary. 

I so wish I got more of those moments right.  Regretfully I have missed many, but thankfully there are millions more of those moments to come and I'm going to do my very best to embrace all of them that I can. 

It not wrong to tell your child no.  Sometimes it is "necessary" to say no...but sometimes it's so very necessary to say "Yes." 





 

Splish, Splash!! (This was NOTHING like a bath)

One challenge that every parent of school aged children has during the summer is finding adequate ways of entertaining (aka: adequately exhausting) the children.  We'll just be walking in the door from an activity and Haylee will ask me "Mama, are we going to go somewhere today?"  It can make one nutty.  On Saturday Brian and I were brainstorming activities that would be fun for everyone.  Many of the ideas were a few hours away, and since we were brainstorming a little late for that we settled on the Splashdown Water Park in Manassas.  For many reasons this was not my favorite choice, but it was an overwhelming hit with the girls. 

My confession.  I deal with an obnoxious battle with anxiety.  Anyone who deals with anxiety to any degree knows that it comes and goes; many times with no real rhyme or reason.  As I pictured myself walking around a crowded waterpark in a bathing suit I wasn't necessarily comfortable in it started to hit me.  I started getting touchy.  I was annoyed that I couldn't find towels.  I was annoyed that I couldn't find a beach bag.  I was annoyed that I couldn't find the sunscreen, then when we got into the car I was annoyed that the air conditioner was blowing on me!!!  I was uncomfortable and edgy and admittedly very anxious. 

Brian bought me a mug that says "life begins at the end of your comfort zone."  I joke that even drinking coffee out of that mug makes me uncomfortable.  You want to know where my comfort zone is?  My bed.  I love my bed.  Since I was a teenager I have loved my bed.  I did my homework on my bed.  I talked on the phone on my bed.  I wrote hundreds of poems on my bed.  I think I've probably typed a few hundred appraisals on my bed.  You know what though?  There is no life tucked all comfy on my bed. 

So, there you have it.  I was on my way to a water park with two extremely excited little girls doing my very best to put my annoying anxiety behind me and enjoy my family and a fun new experience with my littles.

We got to the water park and because it wasn't a crazy hot day it honestly wasn't very crowded, but it was still too crowded for my taste.  I was still anxious....but every time I would look at my little girls' faces with their priceless smiles and squeals of delight it was easy to forget about myself.  They had so much fun on the water slides that were just their size, we all took a few trips around the lazy river and Kerrington was very proud of her "swimming" in 2 feet of water.  It truly was an amazing day. 

I wish I could say that pursuing "life" always wins, but that would be a lie.  There are days when the anxiety wins.  However, everytime I'm able to break through the anxiety it loses its power.  So much of the battle is in the mind.  When I'm able to remember all that comes with a little discomfort I feel a little more brave. 

The water park was definitely outside of my comfort zone, and I found life there. 

It's a Bug's Life

We live on a 2.3 acre lot.  It's not huge, but it's a nice size for little girls to explore.  It's nice to be able to kick them outside and know that they will eventually find something to entertain them.  The other day I was watching my 5 year old running around the yard.  I'd look out and she'd be in one spot, then the next time I looked she was on the other side of the yard.  Every few minutes she would holler for me in totally excitement.  "Mama!!!!!  Look what I found!!!" Sometimes it would be a little caterpillar or slug, sometimes it was squirmy little worm (again...we get a lot of those).  It really doesn't matter if it's something that she had found before, today is a new day and a new worm is just plain exciting.  I watched her for a while as she popped from tree to tree, or from rock to rock looking carefully in anticipation of what she might find.  It didn't bother her if it took a while to make a discovery...she knew that if she searched long enough she wouldn't be disappointed.  I don't think she knew exactly what she was looking for, but she knew to expect something, and that was enough to keep her going and it was enough to keep her search strong.  I can tell you, she has never been disappointed.

I started to think about what it means to search with expectation.  I wondered how things might be different for me if I opened up my Bible and searched the way Kerrington searched our yard for treasures.  What if I was to open the Word with expectation not knowing what I would find, but fully trusting that I would find something exciting.  What if I opened my Bible believing with all my heart that I would find treasures and that I would not be disappointed.  

Kerrington COULD kick through the yard and declare that there's nothing there.  She doesn't though because she KNOWS there are all sorts of surprises if she keeps looking.

I know that there have been times that I've gone to my Bible and closed it again in disappointment because I didn't immediately find exactly what I was looking for.  Kerrington has reminded me that the treasures ARE there and when I open my Bible with expectation I will never be disappointed.  Neither will you.  

Psalm 119:105
Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.

Psalm 119:130
The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple.

Dad

This will be a short blog.  It's a day to honor Fathers and I was incredibly blessed to have a dad that showered me with love and affection and taught by example.  He loved the LORD with all his heart and that was probably the best gift of all.  I just wanted to jot down a poem I wrote for my dad back in 2003.  My dad passed away in 1997.  Here is what I wrote for him.  

Can you believe it has been so long?
Six years, how time does fly,
So many questions constantly circle my mind
Although I'm no longer asking "why"?
God had His reasons for calling you home
I can't blame him, that's for sure.
Though I needed you here with me
Perhaps He needed a heart that was pure.

Still I wonder how you are
I'll bet you're still singing every day.
No one louder, no one prouder,
No one to steal your joy away.
I wish one more smile was aimed at me
What I'd give to hold your hand once more,
I'm saving up a special hug
For when I'm at Heaven's door.

Daddy, how much of me can you see?
Do my failures make you cry?
How I long to make you proud,
Do you see how hard I try?
Sometimes I forget the things you taught
And I make the same mistakes.
But I'll get up and keep fighting
I'll get this, no matter how long it takes.

Sometimes it feels like yesterday
Although I know it's been years,
Sometimes I'm strong as I remember you
Other times I fall to my knees in tears.
You'd think it would get easier
They say in time all wounds will heal
But time shows me clearer all I've lost
And again the pain becomes so real.

You left me will a heart so full
The tears are followed by a smile
We'll be together for eternity
In just a little while.

JEM 2/5/03

Carl Miller, you have never left my heart and you never will.  Thank you for loving me for every second of the 27 years we had together.  I'll see you when I get home.  

Love it or list it

Forgive me if this post is a little longer than some...but I promise it's not about my arm!!!  

3 years ago Brian and I bought our house.  At the time we were house shopping we wanted a bigger yard for our then 2 and 3 year old girls to play. We wanted a manageable mortgage, so we ended up buying a house on the small side.  We knew this would be an adjustment in a lot of ways, but decided that the pros outweighed the cons.  Our house sits on 2.3 acres just a few miles outside of Warrenton, so we have a little house in the woods, but can still be to the grocery store in less than 5 minutes.  It had a play set on the property...bonus.  It has a nice fire pit for bonfires and roasting marshmallows....bonus!  It has a HUGE over sized garage with a media room above it...BONUS!!!  The little house is really charming and cozy, but the kitchen is ridiculously small and the eating area is really cramped.  When you walk into the house you walk right into the tiny kitchen, so there is no place to put keys or a purse..and as you can imagine shoes can pile up in a hurry, which I love.  (not)  The master bedroom is a decent size but there is one tiny closet which doesn't even fit Brian's work clothes...so we have clothes racks in the spare bedroom for his extra clothes and all of mine.  

When we first moved in we were just so excited to be in "our" house again.  It took a little living for the problems to show themselves.  The tiny kitchen soon became a real pain.  The counters were always full of things because there was simply no room for anything.  Walking in the door with groceries and tripping over shoes got old really quickly.  Trying to make a piece of toast was a process because it required more than a little rearranging of "stuff".   Making a meal was a huge production and always resulted in disappointment because there was no room for little "helpers" at all.  I was constantly tripping over a child, a cat, a husband or myself.   It was next to impossible to keep the kitchen floor clean because we have a gravel driveway and of course when it's rainy or snowy it's muddy...so even though shoes came off there was often a big smear of mud in front of the door.  Cleaning it up was easy....but only lasted until the next person came into the door.  

Fast forward 2.5 years.  I was in all honesty done with the house.  Tired of being so cramped in the spaces that we used the most.  Tired of a yard that required so much to keep up.  With Brian having a lengthy commute you can imagine how excited he was to come home and spend an entire weekend mowing and weed whacking.   I was ready to move.  I was more than vocal about my frustrations and after a while either Brian was feeling the same frustrations or he was really tired of hearing from me, because he was ready to move too.  

We decided that moving was the plan.  I started looking around at houses (being a real estate appraiser for 12 years, this was really fun for me)  We packed up 3/4 of our things in preparation for putting the house on the market.  We cleaned, we buffed, we shined, we painted and we were ready.  At the same time, I was becoming more interested in a show on HGTV called "love it or list it".  I was amazed at the transformations.  These houses that clearly did not work and were not functional were suddenly the perfect home for these families.  It just took a little work and some imagination.  I pitched the idea of fixing up our house to Brian with a hesitant "what if".  Honestly, I was not convinced I wanted to stay.  My idea was met with a big fat "no way!".   We had looked at a few homes and we did find what we thought was the perfect home for us.  It was bigger, it was better, nice neighborhood, good schools, the house backed to open space.  It was easy to fall in love with the house when we were living in a house of frustration.  We were both in love with the possibility of this new house.  We could both see ourselves there.  The only problem was that bigger and better comes at a price.  Bigger house = bigger mortgage.  Since I do the bills, I sat down and worked some numbers.  Could we afford it?  Well....yes....but we wouldn't have a lot left over for many extras.  Without a doubt the house was beautiful, but was it worth it?  As intoxicated as I was with the house I started to get a little concerned.  I soon realized that my "concern" was God tapping me on the shoulder telling me to slow down.

We had a contractor at the house fixing up a few little things and I had a few conversations about what it would take to make the kitchen functional.  I made some phone calls about construction loans, refinances, equity loans, etc.  After slowing down a little Brian and I both came to the realization that maybe this house COULD work for us.  

If I am standing in my kitchen refusing to look at anything but the kitchen that I know full well doesn't work of course I'm going to be frustrated and dissatisfied.  No one would argue that it is tiny and doesn't work for a family of 5.  However....when I go out to my beautiful office that looks out to my beautiful bird garden I can see that there are some really great things about our house.  There IS a lot to love about our house, but we were so focused on what didn't work we couldn't appreciate what did work.  Tear down a few walls and fix what is broken and we will have a new house.

Marriage:  Love him or ditch him

(Let me be clear...I am not thinking about ditching my husband....this is just to go along with the title.)   Brian and I have been married for almost 9 years. We have a good marriage, but we have a "tiny kitchen" area of our marriage that simply doesn't work.  To be honest it's frustrating to both of us.  Just like the tiny kitchen in my house, if I focus only on the "tiny kitchen" in our relationship I will because frustrated and dissatisfied, and so would Brian. There have been times when I have focused solely on it, and it's not fun. Where's the hope in that?  Do I ditch my marriage because a part of it isn't working properly?  Well, some do. They find a new (seemingly) beautiful bigger better house and jump at it thinking the problems will be in the past, but at what price?  Bigger better houses have problems too.  All houses have problems.  They need to be maintained or the problems get bigger. Marriages have problems.  They need to be maintained or the problems get bigger. Brian and I have a "tiny kitchen", but beyond that there is so much to love.  What will it take to fix it?  Well, some walls need to be torn down between us too.  We probably need to check our foundation and make sure it is solid and build from there.   Our "tiny kitchen" can be fixed, but it will require both of us picking up a hammer and being willing to tear down some walls that are keeping our marriage from functioning as it should. 

Our house is not fixed yet, but today when I pull up to my house I can't wait to go inside.  I know what it can and will be and I'm excited about the transformation.  It will take some time and effort, and I'm sure the demolition will not be fun, but it's necessary to get the results we want.  Brian and I are not fixed yet either, but I look at our marriage with affection and love because I know what it can and will be and I'm excited about the transformation.  Fixing us will take some time and effort too, and I'm sure some demolition needs to take place that won't be fun, but this is also necessary to get the results we want.  I'm not giving up on my house, and I'm not giving up on my marriage.   I'm gonna love them both on purpose.    

Lions and Tigers and BEARS, OH MY!!!

True story.  Last Saturday late afternoon my stepson and his friend were playing video games in the basement when they looked out the window and saw a huge black bear walking past heading for my bird feeders.  Being a teenagers dream come true, they chased him away.  It made their day for sure.  LB told me about the bear and said that it was big.  In my mind I thought for sure he was exaggerating, you know, sort of like a fish story.  

4 days later I was heading to my office, which is about 20 feet from the house, and I saw what I assume was the same bear in my bird garden and he WAS huge.  My girls were outside playing in the same area about 30 minutes before this....so I was not happy.  I turned all Mama grizzly on big blacky.  I started waving my one arm that I COULD flap like crazy and started yelling at him to get out of my yard.  He lumbered off to the side of the yard and stopped.   That was not good enough for me.  I wanted him gone, so what was I to do? I chased him of course.  He must have decided not to mess with the one armed crazy lady with the big mouth, because he ran off into the woods.  

Yesterday I was enjoying a cup of coffee watching my little birds.  Knowing that there is a big bear eyeing my feeders wasn't going to keep me from my favorite spot....but I had my cane by my side, you know, just in case.  

Believe it or not, having that cane within arms reach somehow made me feel a little safer out there.  How crazy is that?  Was a cane REALLY going to protect me from a 400 pound bear if he had his mind made up to cause me harm? Um....no.  

Do you REALLY think that that bear was "frightened" by a crazy lady yelling and waving an arm?  Ha, well...maybe.  Kidding.  That bear simply didn't want to deal with me.  He just wanted a snack and wasn't looking for any trouble. If he wanted to harm me all he had to do was turn around towards me instead of into the woods and I would have been a scooby snack.  I wouldn't have stood a chance.  I was defenseless.  I'm weak...I only have one arm working and he wouldn't have to be a bear to be faster than me.  

I chased a bear out of my yard.  Yes.  That is true...but I know that probably wasn't the smartest thing to do.  I don't suddenly believe I have the ability to stand up to bears.

Being the thinky mom that I can be, this got me to thinking.  You know....Satan can be a lot like that bear.  Sometimes he will "give" us a few victories so that we are under the illusion that we have the strength to fight against him alone.  He deceives us into thinking we can handle things on our own without reinforcements.  Know what he does then?  Instead of running into the woods he runs toward us and we are toast.  Yup.  On our own we don't stand a chance.  

Satan is sneaky and he knows our weaknesses.  He studies us and knows exactly where and when to strike.  The great thing is that we NEVER have to go into battle alone.  We have the full armor of God available to us at all times, 24/7. Satan might be brave enough to fight a one armed crazy lady with a big mouth, but even he knows better than to mess with the Almighty.  

If you are going up against a bear, don't take a cane.  If you are going up against Satan, take the LORD and let him go to battle for you.


"Put on the whole armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."
Ephesians 6:11 

"Who is this King of glory?  The Lord strong and mighty, the Lord mighty in battle."
Psalm 24:8

Believing in the Healing

If you have read any of my previous posts you know that 2 weeks ago I had surgery on my shoulder to regain motion in my shoulder and to clean it up to stop the pain I was having.  I'm still healing, but last night I took a shower and washed my hair and was able to lift my right shoulder up to lather my hair without yelps of pain for the first time in months.  Progress is definitely being made.  I was at the park yesterday and was stretching on a picnic bench and was lifting and stretching my arms over my head and though my right arm went further than it has in months it wasn't even close to the range of my left arm.  I am, however, hopeful and very thankful that although I am still having pain it is a different pain.  It's the pain that you just know accompanies healing.  It's a good pain.  

For months I was tip-toeing through the house praying that the wall wouldn't jump out in front of me, because a little bump into the wall would send me to the floor in excruciating pain.  I spent the winter PRAYING that I wouldn't slip on the ice knowing that if I went down and tried to catch myself with my right arm I would rip something for sure.  In time I learned a host of "defense mechanisms" to ensure that I didn't drop to the floor in pain.  I learned creative ways to get dressed....creative ways to wash my hair, creative ways to close the van door, and believe it or not creative ways to turn the steering wheel with one arm.  

Although I am still healing, my shoulder is WORLDS better than it was.  A bump into the wall is just a bump into the wall.  I can shut the van door with my right arm and can almost carry my purse with my right arm!  Woohoo!!! (it's the small victories people)  There has been some serious healing.

Do you want to know what is sad?  I'm realizing that I'm still going around as if I'm still as fragile as before.  My girls come running to me to sit next to me on the couch and my left arm flies over to protect my right arm without hesitation.  Brian hugs me and I'm tensed up because he touched my right shoulder.  I'm extremely anxious in a group of people worried that someone might nudge my shoulder.  I know that I'm not in the same place as I was before the surgery, but I'm not acting like it.

This made me think of other ways that I have been healed and haven't acted like it.  Through my life I have had several less than glowing moments.  I've made mistakes and like most everyone I have some regrets.  There are a few things that come to mind that I know that I asked God's forgiveness for, and in my head I know that he forgave me, but in my heart it didn't really sink in. In my younger years I spent so much time beating myself up for mistakes I made simply refusing to forgive myself.  I've matured in my relationship with God and this isn't as much as an issue now, but oh the time and energy I wasted beating myself down for things that God had long forgotten.  

The lesson here is that healing is one thing...BELIEVING in the healing is another.  When healing has taken place we need to live like it.  I need to live like it.  When forgiveness has taken place we need to live IN that.  Jesus didn't die on the cross for our sins just for us to continue to carry them around.  He died so that HE could carry them.   Jesus died so that we can be free...how it must hurt Him to watch us walk around carrying burdens that He has already taken care of.  

Let's believe in the healing.

Whiplash

When I hear the word "whiplash" I immediately think of a car accident and of course picture that infamous neck brace that you see in almost every comedy movie of the 80's.  I've never really thought of whiplash as anything but a physical ailment.  

I have recently discovered another kind of whiplash.  Emotional whiplash.  I've never heard the term, but I won't claim to have "discovered" it.  It all began about 1 1/2 years ago.  After months of mounting frustrations at work, Brian decided it was time to begin searching for a new job.  We discussed this at length weighing the pros and cons trying to decide what was best for our family.  After much prayer we were at peace with searching and even went so far as to open the search to a move out of state.  We decided that we would open up the doors and see what God brought us to.   Anyone involved in a job search knows that most of the time it is not a quick process and there are usually a lot of "possibilities" that end up going nowhere.  As Brian searched and headhunters would come to him with prospects he would run them past me.  If it was an area I wasn't familiar with I would research the area and schools and try to get a feel for the area.  (this resulted in geographical whiplash.  That one I will claim as my discovery)  I researched areas of California, Colorado, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, Michigan, Arkansas, Texas, and New Mexico and those are just the ones I can recall.  It was exhausting.  A few prospects were looking really good, so I would mentally prepare myself for the phone call that I needed to start packing.  It was exhausting.  Whiplash.

Fast forward....Brian was blessed with a fabulous job working with some great guys that he knew well and his commute was cut almost in half.  After all the searching God had a place for us right where we stood.  This brought another decision.  House.  We bought a small house 3 years ago and limited space has brought frustrations beyond words.  Do we move?  Do we stay?  We decided to move.  We packed up 3/4 of our belongings, prepped the house to list and right before pulling the trigger we decided to stay in our small house and add on.  It was exhausting.  Whiplash.

Marriage.  Some days I'm on cloud nine, and other days the frustrations mount.  Welcome to a relationship, right?  Two imperfect people that are innately selfish trying to coexist can bring on some trials.  It is at times exhausting.  Whiplash.

A ridiculous shoulder injury from a wiffle ball competition got progressively worse resulting in a lot of pain.  Cortisone shot...relief.  Cortisone shot wears off....more pain.  Surgery....ouch.  Percoset...AAAHHHH.  Physical therapy...OUCH!!!!  It is exhausting.  Whiplash.  

This past week I have gone to physical therapy all week and twice I have broken down in tears.  Why?  I'm exhausted.  I think it has all caught up with me and I'm just a little raw and vulnerable and frankly really tired of pain.  It has made me think about the fact that if we are depending on a job, a spouse, a friendship, or even ourselves for "stability" we will most likely end up with some degree of whiplash.  Things change, people disappoint us, we let ourselves down, tragedies occur.  

Jesus Christ is the one and only thing in this life that is unchanging.  He is the same yesterday, today and forever.  In the storms of life He is the anchor.  If we are clinging to Christ we can roll with the punches and He will carry us when we don't have the strength to go on.  That is a promise he made to us.  We will all have struggles and some of us have unfathomable circumstances to endure.  Jesus is there to comfort us and bring us peace in the little struggles and in the big ones.  One of my favorite thoughts is that if it matters to me, it matters to Him.  

Life sometimes results in whiplash.  Jesus is the Biofreeze.  Let Him sooth and heal.  

Words

Words.  They can be fancy little things can't they?  They sure are useful for communication, and some people use them more (some significantly more) than others.  We use words to express our emotions, our thoughts, our frustrations and our elation.   We use words to make others laugh, and sometimes unfortunately, we use words to make others cry.

I had no intention of writing on this today...I had something else in mind and frankly I'd much rather be writing about that.  However, I felt God nudging me to share this and since He is bigger than me, here we go.  Please excuse the vagueness of this...but when you read it you will understand why it needs to be quite generic.  

A few days ago Brian and I were having a conversation with a gentleman.  We were discussing some issues that we needed some help with and he was very knowledgeable.   We have something in common with this gentleman and that is we both have the same somewhat difficult person in our lives.  The conversation turned to this person and the three of us discussed some things about this person that although true, they didn't need to be said.  There's where the clincher is right there....things don't always need to be said even though they are true.   I'll give you a really quick example.  I lost a lot of weight last year, 47 pounds to be exact.  I have since gained some of it back. Do I look like I have put some weight back on?  Yes.  Do you need to tell me?  NO!!!!  I am WELL AWARE!!!!!  OK...back to the story.   Things were said that really didn't need to be and if I'm being honest about it...it was straight up gossip.  It gets worse.  This gentleman went home and I can only guess that in a private conversation with his wife he discussed the juicy conversation that we had.  His daughter apparently overheard them and went to school and repeated who knows what to her friends.  The difficult person we were discussing also has a daughter in the same school and she overheard all the things that were said about her and her mother.  This little girl was devastated and hurt.

Later that day I got some scathing texts from the mom.  She was in grizzly bear mode, and you know what?  I don't blame her.  She was furious that things were said with children in the midst.  There were no children around when we were having the conversation...but does that mean that Brian and I were less guilty?  NO.  If we wouldn't have said it in front of the children then we shouldn't have said it at all.  

It broke my heart that the spirit of a little girl took a hit partially because of me and my careless words that shouldn't have been spoken.  Thankfully I was able to briefly talk to the little girl and attempt to repair what I could, but there will probably still be a mark.  When children wound each other it hurts, but the wounds are many times little scratches that heal and are never noticed.  I do believe that when adults wound children it cuts much deeper.  It is our job to protect these children.  My responsibility to protect goes beyond my own two little girls. Sadly I failed miserably.  

Every morning I pack Haylee's lunch and every morning I write her a little note and put it in her lunch.  Sometimes it's a simple I love you and sometimes it's a little note of encouragement.  Ironically today I wrote "Be careful of what you say.  Words can be used to help or to hurt.  Be kind."  Clearly that sticky note should have gone over my mouth rather than stuck to her banana.  

Brian and I have both been deeply convicted and have both asked for forgiveness.  Thankfully we serve a God that forgives.  

In the Bible James calls the tongue a "restless evil, full of deadly poison". How true is that?  It's amazing that we can build up and edify with our words and then in the next breath do the exact opposite with equal power.   There is absolutely nothing wrong with words...we love them and we need them, but we have to remember that there is so much power in them and it's our responsibility to use our words carefully.  


Ephesians 4:29 

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

James 1:26 

If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.

Proverbs 11:13

Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.

Pain Management

August, 2013

It was a hot summer day at the Paap estate.  We had been sorting through things in the garage in effort to organize.   Such a fun way to spend a summer Saturday afternoon, right?  In our sorting we discovered a wiffle ball and bat and behold!... our competitive nature took over and soon we were in the yard.  Batter up!!!  First it was the 18 year old wonder boy.  He got a couple of good hits in.  Next came Senior Paap (Brian) and he also had some good cracks too.  Next up was Mama (that would be me).  This was serious you know.  I was going against "the boys" and this had to be good.  I stretched out a little, swung the bat a few times and then I was up.  After a few hits I'd rather not mention, I really connected with that ball and it flew way across the yard sailing further than either of the boys.  I was victorious and admittedly quite proud and maybe, just MAYBE, a little loud.  Little did I know I was going to pay for that mighty swing in a mighty way.  

A few days later I noticed that it hurt to move my arm in certain ways.  I couldn't move it back or to the side without a lot of pain.  Great...a pulled muscle I thought.  I figured I didn't stretch quite enough and that in a few days it would be better.  A few days turned into a few weeks.  The pain was getting worse and it took less and less to "tweak" it.  I finally went to the dr. and he said it was a pulled rotator cuff.  I was to ice it and take Ibuprofen.  

A few months went by.  I was still in pain when I moved my shoulder and my range of motion was shrinking.  Now the pain was so bad that if I accidentally bumped my shoulder the wrong way I would literally fall to the floor in tears. I'm not a wuss...this was some serious pain.  Something was really wrong.  

After many trips to the shoulder specialist it was decided that surgery could be an option.   I didn't want to go this route....but after months of living in fear that someone or something might bump my shoulder in the wrong way I was ready to take the plunge.  I'm just too young to be so limited and I desperately want my life back the way it was!

Fast forward to today, May 19, 2014.

My surgery is scheduled for Friday.  This morning my stomach has been in knots and I keep wondering what is wrong.  It hit me.  I'm scared.  I'm trusting this doctor to cut into my shoulder and fix it.  I don't think I'm a control freak, but this is a lot of trust to put in someone.  I've been living in pain and it's not fun.  What if the Dr. makes a mistake and messes my shoulder up even more?  What if I'm still in pain after the surgery?  I can't dwell on that, but I wouldn't be human if the thoughts didn't pop in and out on occasion.  The bottom line is that if I want to get rid of the pain I have to put my trust in the Doctor.  I've been trying on my own to get better and frankly I can't take the pain anymore.

Pain isn't a bad thing.  Pain tells us that something is wrong.  Something needs attention.  We need pain, but we don't want to live with it indefinitely. Jesus was called a lot of things.  One of His names was the Great Physician.   We know that Jesus heals the sick and we know he comforts his children.  We ask for healing and the answer isn't always yes.  We don't know why some are healed and some are not, but we do know that God is good all the time and He is deserving of our trust all the time.  I don't believe God ever intended for us to suffer any sort of pain alone.  Verse after verse in the Bible God promises to be a haven for us.  He promises peace and comfort...but there is a tiny little catch.  We have to trust Him.  All of his promises are there for us to take and He longs to give us all He has...but we have to have our arms, and our heart open to receive it.  How it must break his heart to watch His children suffer needlessly.  God never promised us a pain free life.  Actually, He promised us the opposite.  Everyone on this earth will experience pain, be it physical or emotion or both.  Just like my shoulder couldn't heal on it's own, we really can't either.  When we can't take the pain anymore, we just have to trust.  Emotional pain with break your heart, physical pain can crush your spirit.  There is hope for both in His promises.


"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18

Start Over Mama!!!

Friday night we packed up the entire family and gathered in our trusty van and headed to Smith Mountain Lake for a Saturday of boating and fishing fun on the lake.  With shoulder surgery coming up on Friday we thought it would be nice to have a little outing before I'm pretty limited for most likely at least a few weeks.  

Saturday morning we were getting up and at'um and I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth.  Brian sent the girls in behind me to brush their teeth as well.  I had been brushing my teeth for a few seconds when Kerrington looks up at me with her toothbrush in hand and yells "Start over Mama!!!  I want to follow you!"  I started over.  I put the toothpaste on my toothbrush, I put the toothpaste on her brush and we started brushing together.  Kerrington's eyes were completely fixed on me and she was intent on following my every move as exact at possible.  If I brushed my front teeth, she brushed her front teeth. When I brushed my back teeth, she brushed her back teeth.  She was following my every move and if I would have started brushing my ear with the toothbrush I'm pretty sure she would have brushed her ear too.  I don't know the last time I brushed my teeth so carefully.  I had to!!!  I was brushing for two!  

Those few little words echoed in my mind for so much of the day.  "Start over Mama!  I want to follow you."  As parents we know that are children are watching us, but do we really stop and think about just how intently they are watching us?  We don't usually get the verbal heads up like I got when brushing my teeth.  I realized that though I don't get the verbal warning very often....my girls are watching and following.  They watch and follow the good...and unfortunately they are watching and possibly following the bad too.  I couldn't help but look back at all the times that I truly wish I could have "started over" knowing that I had little eyes watching and learning from me.  

It was a sober wake up all.  Of course we are going to make mistakes as parents.  We are learning along the way just like our little ones are.  The fact is that the stakes are a little higher for us.  (deliberate understatement)  They aren't just watching the way we brush our teeth.  They are listening to how we treat our spouse, how we talk to the waiter or waitress that has forgotten to fill up our coffee cup 23 times.  They are watching how we react when when we spill a bag of sugar on the floor, they are watching how we react when THEY spill a bag of sugar on the floor.  It goes on and on.  When I do get it all wrong I have learned learned that a child is never too young to apologize to.  Not much more than a week ago I was short with Kerrington as we were rushing to get to preschool on time.  I hurt her feelings and I had to tell her I was sorry and ask her for forgiveness. I told her that I was wrong to snap at her and I hugged her tight and I'm pretty sure I had to wipe a few tears from my eyes too.   I didn't get to start that morning over, but I can tell you that the next morning went differently.  Sometimes that's the best we can hope for.  I can pray that the next time Kerrington hurts someone she can remember how Mama reacted and follow that.  

Judgy Judgerson

I have to be honest.  I have never really thought of myself as a judgmental person.  Sure, we all have crazy thoughts that fly through our head when we see or hear certain things, but I've always thought I was pretty good at recognizing when I was thinking "judgy" and I would shake those thoughts out of my head.  I have noticed that it's just when you think you have something licked that God will push you just a little further and dish you up a nice slice of humble pie.  (I've also noticed that when God is dishing out this particular pie there is no ice cream or whipped cream to help it go down easier) (Bummer)

I drive my first grader to and from school every day.  Everyday I drive past a "HEALTH & REHAB" center.  I drive past this place twice a day 5 days a week and sometimes more.  I do believe that every time I pass it, rain or shine, hot or cold, there are several employees out on the sidewalk smoking.   The thoughts in my head began as a simple "yuck!!!" or "gross".  The thoughts then turned to "wow, these people work at a 'HEALTH & REHAB' facility and they are smoking up a storm?"   Then it grew to "these people aren't very good representatives of a health facility."  I think that was when God had about had it with me.   When I was finished with the rant in my head God had a few questions for me.  I felt like God was asking me, "Ok, Janiece, you aren't puffing on a cigarette....but are you taking care of your body when you scarf down 7 pieces of pizza?  Are you taking care of your body when you plow through a pint of Ben & Jerry's like there is no tomorrow?"   God knows how to shut the mouths and minds of his children, doesn't he?  God served me a piece of that humble pie and I wasn't about to ask for seconds.  

No.  I don't smoke.  I'm thankful that is not an addiction I struggle with.  People smoke for different reasons.  For some it may be soothing for them to smoke.  I don't smoke...but when I need soothing I am known to open the fridge.  What is the difference?  There is none.  I shouldn't be opening the fridge for my comfort, I should be opening my Bible.   ANYTHING that we as believers are using to comfort or to sooth ourselves outside of God has the potential for trouble.  I believe we can all use improvement in this area.  I learned through my "Pie" that compassion will take us a whole lot further than judgement.   

I still drive past the center every day.  There are still folks out smoking every day....I'm not looking at them the same way anymore.   I've realized that there is plenty for me to work on right in my own heart.   I should probably stick to that.  I definitely prefer ice cream to pie anyway.  

Weeds

     Spring finally decided to show up in Warrenton after quite the delay.  Once the warmer temperatures arrived, the trees wasted no time at all and began to show off their shades of pink and then of course the greenest green leaves you could imagine.  Along with the blooming trees and flowers we of course have a plethora of dandelions everywhere you look.  Most yards are blessed with a few....or in our case a few hundred. 

     My girls love flowers.  In the past month I can't count how many times each of them have very excitedly presented me with a handful of freshly picked dandelions and their enthusiasm could make you think they were roses.   Yup.  They love them.  When you explain to them that they are weeds it doesn't change their opinion of them.  They think they are beautiful.  They pick them to enjoy, they pick them for others to enjoy and they even pick them in attempt to make fine jewelry.  

     Kerrington and I were in the yard and driveway spraying the weeds this afternoon and I got to thinking about those weeds.  Those dandelions don't impress me because I know what they are.  I know what REALLY beautiful flowers look like and they don't resemble a dandelion.  I know that though a dandelion comes in a pretty shade of yellow I also know that the roots run deep and they choke out the grass and good flowers.  More than that, give a dandelion a little time and it will turn white and spread it's destruction wherever the wind will take it.  

     I thought about how sin and dandelions have a whole lot in common.  At first sin can look attractive and it seems harmless...but give it a little time and before you know it the roots are deep and the destruction begins.  I thought back at the times when I picked up my dandelion sin and admired it and even tried to make it look pretty....as a matter of fact I probably tried to make other people admire it too.  I can imagine God looking down at me shaking his head as he watches me caressing my pathetic dandelion when he is holding a beautiful bouquet just waiting to present it to me.  

     Dandelions might look pretty until you know a little more about them and what they lead to.  A yard full of dandelions results in a yard of dead grass.  A life full of sin leads to death too.   It's funny, I don't think I have every seen a yard with only one dandelion.  The same goes for sin...one often leads to another, and another.  Most of the time it's hard to stop at just one.  

     If we want a nice yard where grass can grow and thrive, we simply can't have weeds.  If we want a life where WE can grow, we can't willfully allow sin to be in our life.  Flowers can't grow where there are weeds, and Jesus can't reside where there is sin.   Bring on the weed killer.