Christmas Memory

There are so many things to love about Christmas.  Snow, Christmas lights, anticipation of gifts, and of course there is the main reason we remember Christmas...the birth of our Savior.  I'm not going to go on about the obvious appeal of this day.  I wanted to share something.


In 1996, I was living in Maryland and went home to New York for Christmas to celebrate with my family as always.  It was a great time with the family and although I don't have many clear memories about the day there are a few things that I recall with vivid clarity.   Christmas Eve that year I went with my mom and dad to the Salmon Run Mall to get a few last minute things.  I don't remember what we bought, but I remember walking through the mall next to my dad when he suddenly grabbed my hand and held it as we walked from store to store.  I don't remember the temperature that day, but being that it was December in NY I'm sure it was cold....but my heart was filled with such warmth with that loving gesture from my dad.  Thankfully I wasn't embarrassed that my dad wanted to hold my hand....I embraced it.  


This moment was especially memorable because that Christmas was the last time I saw my father.  How precious it is that holding his hand is one of the last memories I have of that wonderful guy!   


I wrote this poem sometime after my father passed away.


                "THE GOODBYE"


The holiday had ended
The festivities were through
You stood at the door, just as before
As I waved goodbye to you.
The goodbye was not forever
The road home was never long,
Soon again I'd be on my way
To the place I'd always belong.


The goodbye was not forever
But it was goodbye from this place
For the Lord had called you home
To see Him face to face.
Words can't say how much I miss you,
But how could I wish you back with me
You're in the arms of our Savior
Where we all so long to be.


For you the festivities have begun
You're no longer standing at the door
Your journey home was not so long
Now you're with your Savior evermore.
Our goodbye was not forever
Together again we will be
In the place where someday I'll belong
Where you'll wave hello to me.


JEM

Depression 202- A few more thoughts

A few days ago I wrote a post about depression and how I was dealing with a bout of it.  I have to be honest and say that I really did not intend to write about something so personal on such a public forum.  I sat down to write because it had been a while and I almost instantly felt like God was whispering in my ear that I needed to share my struggle.  I said OK and began to write.  I was a little uneasy with it for a nanosecond, but as I started to write I knew that I was doing what God was asking me to do and any reservations I had were swept away.  


I was overwhelmed by the responses that I got from the post.  I certainly do not say that to be boastful in anyway whatsoever, it is simply confirmation that God had a purpose for me sharing my pain.  So many people struggle with depression and the sad thing is that even with all the progress we've made in regards to depression we still tend to feel shameful if we do struggle with it and for some reason we often quickly equate it with failure.  


My first experience with depression was back in 1997.  I was 27 years old and I had a very close relationship with my father.  He went into the hospital for knee replacement surgery and soon after the procedure had a blood clot go to his brain and he passed away 2 days later.  My world was never the same.  I seemed to keep it together for about 6 months and then it was like the rug of life was ripped out from underneath me and I sank deeper and deeper into a pit of despair.  I was young and was sure I would snap out of it at any time, so I didn't seek any help.   Nothing seemed to bring joy, I was void of emotion.  I could sleep for 24 hours straight and often did.  I then became more and more anxious and was unable to go into public places without having panic attacks.  I couldn't be in the middle of a room because people surrounding me terrified me.   I went to the grocery store at 1 am to avoid people and going to church wasn't even an option.  Thankfully I had a friend who also suffered from depression and he finally convinced me that I needed help.  I went to the doctor and was put on an anti-depressant and began seeing a counselor.  I wasn't better instantly, but after a while I was able to smile.  I found joy.  I found life. I was finally able to go about life as I was before.  Things were different, but I was able to engage in each day as God intends us to.  Thankfully after about a year I was able to say good-bye to the medication.


I give that history for this reason.  A few years after all of that I was attending a church and started a class called "self-confrontation".  I didn't get very far in the class.  The very first night the instructor went on a tangent about depression and was declaring that depression was nothing but a lack of faith in God and that medications taken for depression were completely uncalled for and unnecessary.  Needless to say I didn't go back to the class.  I was sad for the ignorance of the instructor and very thankful that I was secure enough in my faith to know that what he was saying was a crock of nonsense.  Are depression medications misused and over-prescribed?   I'm sure they are.  Do some people use the medications as a band-aid and refuse to get any other help?  I'm sure there are.  I have to say, however, that I am extremely thankful for medication that helped me get through a very difficult time.  I also know for a fact that there are people with chemical imbalances that are absolutely helped by medications.


Having suffered through depression, my heart bleeds for others in the struggle.  As I type this my eyes are tearing up just thinking about the incredible women who responded to my previous post that are struggling right now and are probably longing for comfort and maybe don't have the strength to ask, or perhaps they just don't know how to ask for what they need or don't even know what they need.   Sounds crazy doesn't it?  Welcome to the world of depression.  


You know....depression certainly is not new.  Ever read through the book of Psalms?  Here are just a few people in the Bible that suffered through times of depression:  Abraham (Genesis 15), Jonah, (Jonah 4), Job (entire book of Job), Elijah (1 Kings 19), Jeremiah (entire book of Jeremiah), and perhaps the most well known, David (numerous Psalms) .  If you read the circumstances surrounding these characters you'll see that in some cases you can understand the resulting depression, other times it is a mystery.  Proverbs 18:14 asks "who can bear a broken spirit?  I'll tell you that we can't.  We aren't meant to.  Ever wonder why there are so many names given to our great Savior?  He is called the Good Shepherd because he cares for us and watches over us and does not slumber.  He is called the Great Physician because He can heal us when we are broken, and that includes a broken spirit.  He is called the Prince of Peace because there are times when that is what we need the most.  Peace.  


My friends.  We will get through these times.  Pray for me and I will pray for you.  Let each of remember that we are held and He will never let go.  

Depression 101

I am in no way, shape or form a medical expert on anything, however, having been through a bought or two of depression I feel I can lend of few words of comfort to my fellow friends who struggle with it, and perhaps a word or two of wisdom to those who stand by loved ones who are struggling.  Those of you who have been reading my blog have probably noticed that I haven't written anything in a while.  Big surprise, I've been struggling with a bit of depression.  It's not fun.  On top of feeling like I'm living life underwater gasping for a breath just to be sucked down by another wave, there is the overwhelming feeling of guilt for all that I'm not being to the ones I love.  By the end of the week I'm so completely exhausted from faking it I just want to sleep for 3 days straight, and believe me, I could.  Everyone deals with the struggle differently, for me there is nothing more blessed than sleep because the pain is gone and the brain turns off.  There is peace.  


I would like to consider myself a somewhat intelligent woman.  That being the case (at least I  hope), being depressed is especially frustrating.  It doesn't make sense, it really doesn't.  I have a body that is healthy, it's not perfect, but it's healthy, I have a husband that loves me and works very hard to provide for our family, I have two beautiful healthy little girls, a stepson that I genuinely adore,  I have a house that I love and am surrounded by good friends and a loving family.  WHY in the world would I be depressed?   Trust me, I want to punch myself in the face just thinking about it!  I hate that I don't have the energy to care for my house the way I should, that I want to cry at the smallest incident, that I'm not being the interactive mommy that I should and that I'm not being the wife that I should be to my husband.  It's incredibly frustrating that I am even unable to reach out to God as I should for the help that He longs to give me.  I feel as if I'm frozen.    All I can say to God is that I'm stuck.  Thankfully He already knows that.  I feel like I'm in a pit...and although I feel alone, I know that I am most certainly not alone.  I know that I'm being held.  He is not going to shake me telling me to snap out of it...He's going to hold me and love me until I'm ready to stand and then He's going to take me by the hand and help me up and walk me to where I need to be.  He will refresh me.  


Until that time...here are some things NEVER to say to someone in a struggle with depression.  Think these things all you want, but please never let the words pass through your lips.
1.  You need to pray harder.
2.  Snap out of it.
3.  Just get over it.
4.  What do you have to be depressed about?
5.  That's nothing to be depressed about.
Sadly...I have been told or asked all of these things, and I imagine other that have struggled have heard the same things or similar things.  I know how frustrating it is to deal with someone in depression, but words really aren't going to help someone up.  Actions might.  There are no magic words that will heal someone in the struggle.  It's so tempting to try words though, isn't it?  Please just bear with us and know that the fight is on.


So...on a side note.  In addition to neglecting my family, I have lately neglected my little birds outside too.  I ran out of seeds and just haven't refilled their feeders.  It has been at least a week since I fed them and as I was refilling the feeders today there was not a bird in sight.  I was sad and wondered how long it would take for them to come back.   Thankfully, I didn't have to wait long.  Before long I heard some really loud calls that I swear sounded a lot like "come and get it" in bird talk.  I now sit here watching my brood of chirpities.  They are not angry with me, they are just glad that I'm back.


I can only hope my friends have the same response.  I haven't been a very good friend.  I haven't been filling up my friend-feeders either with loving calls and texts and visits.  I pray that they understand and are just happy to see me when I'm ready to resurface.  

Thanksgiving, Dad and "UP"

Yes I do know how ridiculous my title is.  I couldn't think of anything that really summed up the things flying through my head, so I just listed the top three things.  I'm going to really mess you up and start with the last thing, "UP".  Ever watch the Disney cartoon by the name?  I have, sort of.  I can't get through the movie.  The first time I started to watch it I cried my eyes off because the old man looks so much like my dad, ha, especially the bushy eyebrows!  I honestly couldn't concentrate on the movie because I was so distracted by Mr. Frederickson.  The movie happened to be on TV this evening and I walked into the room to hear Mr. Frederickson called by his first name, which is Carl.  Carl was my dad's name.  I watched the movie for a few minutes only to have tears falling down my cheeks yet again.  Not to spoil the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it....but Mr. Frederickson looses his wife who early in the movie we discover has been his soul mate since he was a young boy.  After his wife dies he turns into a cranky old fellow.  (This is not the part that reminds me of my dad...my dad was a jolly soul, who of course had his moments of the crankies)  Anyway, Mr. Frederickson finds an old photo album that his wife had put together that told their life story in pictures.  At the end of the book she wrote him a note that said "Thanks for the adventure, now go find your own".  He begins to live again.  I might be able to tell you more about the movie if I was able to get through it.  Maybe another day.


My dad's adventure was cut short here on earth.  He was 70 years old when he had a knee replacement operation.  Soon after the operation was finished he had a blood clot go to his brain and he passed away 2 days later.  He was so excited about the operation because he was ready for some pain-free adventures.  He was looking forward to enjoying his later years with his children and grand-children.  Now he's enjoying eternity with his Savior.  


I have had my dad on my mind quite a bit lately.  Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday.  He loved everything about it.  He would start the day early by making breakfast, so I would wake up to the smell of bacon cooking.  I'd come downstairs to bacon, sausage, toast and burnt eggs.  (he just didn't know how to turn the burner down)  He would help my mother get the turkey all ready and they would work together getting all the other stuff going.  The parade was always on and I can't even tell you why because I don't think either of us ever had much of an interest in it.  We watched it none the less.  It's what you do on Thanksgiving morning!  Soon the family would start to shuffle in.  My brother and sister, nieces and nephews would fill the house.  My dad loved having the house filled with family.  We would snack on cheese and crackers, pickles, veggies and dip as if 23 pounds of food was not going to cover the table in an hour.  Dad would pray and give his heartfelt thanks for all our family had, and then we would eat, and eat, and eat.  After we ate we would  waddle to the family room and watch "the Sound of Music", which was a family favorite.  My brother Dan and my dad would be sleeping approximately 3.5 minutes into the movie and wake up just in time for pumpkin pie and ice cream.  Sometimes after that we'd get a good game of canasta going and that would bring the day to a close.


I just wrote an entire paragraph describing things that are probably about as exciting as getting your teeth cleaned.  What I wouldn't give for another Thanksgiving like that.  I think I'd give up my left pinky for a breakfast of burnt eggs with my dad.  I look at my two little girls who will never know a Thanksgiving like that with their grandpa, but I have to smile as I think of all my nieces and nephews that are fortunate enough to remember such Thanksgivings.  I have seen a quote going around on Facebook that says something like "remember the little things because in time you realize that they are really the big things."  I don't think I said that exactly right, but you get the idea.  It's so true.  Time is so precious, and time with people you love is even more precious.  


This is Thanksgiving week and a week that makes me miss my dad as if it was yesterday that he was gone.  I loved him so much.  It seems like every year I realize even more that he gave me.  I sit here typing with a tear in my eye, but a heart full to the brim with thanks.  Thank you Dad.  I miss you.

Diamonds, Diamonds everywhere

Most everyone knows at this point that I am taking a class on prayer counseling training.  We are learning all sorts of interesting things.  One of the things we were talking about last week was the fact that we, as human beings, are the only things with a heartbeat that needs to be trained to be who we are.  Think about it.  If you raise a puppy with a bunch of cats does he meow?  Nope.  If you raise a pig with cows will it then moo?  Nope.  They innately do what they are created to do.  Not so with us.  If as infants we are not taught how to talk, we don't talk.  If as infants and/or young children we are not taught the basics of life, such as, how to trust, love, forgive, share, be compassionate, we will likely always struggle with those things later on in life.  As an example, our book told of the 19 year old boy who was found in India in 1976 who was raised by wolves.  He ran on all fours, barked like a dog and ate raw meat like the wolves.  The boy was taught to wear clothes, walk upright, and bathe, but he was never able to adapt and never learned to talk and died at the age of a typical adult wolf.   As human beings were are so dependent.  If, as parents, we were to sit and think about the awesome responsibility that is before us, the task could easily be daunting.  


Yesterday was another difficult day "at the office".  We have a group of children right now that can be...hmmm....shall we say, quite a challenge?  Some of them simply do not listen, some of them are flat out defiant, and some of the fun ones are a mixture of all that and a bag of chips.  I constantly struggle with the fact that so much of my energy goes into controlling the difficult ones that the well behaved ones get what's left of me, which is often not much.  It doesn't seem fair.  I so want to love on these children and get to know them and find out who they are, but on some days I'm just running from fire to fire putting out the sparks.  


Later in the day I was talking with my boss about the difficulties of the day.  I was not very optimistic about the future of one particular boy in our program.  Admittedly, yesterday was an especially rough day for him.  He can always be challenging, but most days he is manageable.  Yesterday I did not consider him manageable.  My boss is an amazing woman with a heart so big I really don't know how she fits through the doors.  She has a capacity to love like no other person I have ever met and her desire to give of herself has no end.  She is aware of the difficulties that the teachers face with children that are extra needy.  She is also well aware that we cannot save the world.  I learned yesterday that she's not trying to save the world, she's teaching basics to children one at a time.  


The home life of "yesterday's challenge" leaves MUCH to be desired.  His life is in constant upheaval.  I'm sure his short four years on this earth have been much like one tornado after another.  This little guy has not been taught the basics of life.  He probably doesn't get much affection at home, (which is a shame because he gives the best hugs), he probably doesn't get much attention at home, and I have a feeling he's shipped off here and there with little consistency in any part of his life.  My boss was sharing with me that this little guy has had a really rough 2 weeks.  It's no wonder he was acting out.  He hasn't been taught how to deal with the emotions that are raging through his body.  He's getting attention the only way he knows how.  Until he is taught a better and more effective way, that will most likely not change.  


It would be great if every child had parents with the ability to give them all the attention, affection, love and nurturing they need.  There are no perfect parents out there, but unfortunately there are many parents that just can't give their children what they need to thrive. Our little program can't change the world, but our little program CAN change the world of a little child for a few hours.  WE can love them, teach them, train them and equip them the best we can with the time that we have been entrusted with them.  Isn't that exactly what God expects of us?  After all, it's not us that causes change in a child or anyone, it's God.  He has the power, not us.  We simply have to do our part.  Oh the things that God can do with the faith of a mustard seed.  We can't see the plans God has for our children, but rest assured, there IS a plan.  No one is here that doesn't have a divine purpose.  I've been reminded that my job is to do my part, no matter how insignificant it may seem, and the rest I'll leave to the Master.  We're all diamonds to Him.   

Seasons

Seasons.  I love them all with the humid heat of summer being my least favorite.  We're in the midst of my very favorite season.  I can't get enough of a cool autumn day with the different colored leaves falling gently to my feet.  I love walking through the leaves and hearing the crunch while breathing the unmistakable fresh fall air.  It's simply glorious.  I admittedly get a little sad when all the leaves are off the trees.  They looks so barren and lifeless, but that changes as soon as they are blanketed with a fresh coating of white snow.  I love the snow.  I don't so much enjoy the goofs that occupy this area of Virginia that seriously do not know how to drive on a road with a snowflake on it, but nevertheless, I LOVE the snow.  It's the upstate NY girl that will never leave me.  Then of course you have the welcomed warmth that gives us the green grass and blooming flowers, the budding trees and the returning robins.  There's no doubt about it, Northern Virginia offers a breathtaking spring year after year.  Of course then there is the summer with 95% humidity and the return of my whining for no less than three months straight.  


I said more that I thought I would about those seasons.  I'm not here to write about the weather.  What is on my mind is the seasons of life.  Whether we ask for them or not they come to us just like the changes in the weather.  Unlike the weather, we have a choice in how we respond to the seasons we find ourselves in.  Some are so welcome and bring so much joy, but somehow there ends up being conflict and challenges thrown in there out of nowhere. I was single for what seemed forever.  When I got married it was a joyful time, but thrown in there was more struggles and conflict than i even could have imagined.  It was a season.  We are now in year 6 of our marriage.  Are we still in "seasons"?  You  betcha.  Just when we think we have one licked another one pops up.  I have a feeling we are not alone in that.  Contrary to popular belief, I'm getting the feeling that marriage wasn't intended to be easy.  We are put together to make each other better.  Better for each other, better for our peers and most of all better for God.  That refining takes work.  


That's still not the season that is really on my mind.  I am 42 years old and am beginning a brand new season.  I'd like to say it is easy, but though I find it extremely exciting, I kind of feel like a freshly born fawn that is trying to take steps on some legs that are pretty wobbly.  I was an appraiser for over 12 years with a successful business.  I was confident in that.  I knew that I was able to do a good job.  I knew what I was doing.  God called me to give that up, and I did.  With all of my heart I feel God's calling me for more.  For years and years I embraced the lie that I was not useful for God because of my mistakes.  This kept me stagnant.  I would get involved in church, but when I felt that more was going to be expected of me I would back off out of fear that I would let the church and God down with my unfaithfulness.  I'd find a way to mess it up, so I'd just fade away.  God has grabbed a hold of me.  I don't know what he has for me to do, but I so clearly hear His voice and perhaps for the first time in my 42 to years I am running to Him and not away  from Him.  I will do what he asks of me.  I am taking a class in Bible Counseling.  It examines the heart and it is intense.  I don't know what God wants me to do with this class, but I know I'm meant to be in it.  I can't say that I know exactly where I am going, but I'm following His voice and that is enough for me.  I am at peace in that.  


There is a new movie out called "Courageous".  Brian and I saw it last night and my eyes are still puffy from crying through half of the movie.  (no joke)  There is a book call Resolutions for Men and Resolutions for Women.  Our church is doing a Bible study for both the Men and the Women.  Brian joined the men's group and I thought about joining the women's group...but with all the reading and homework from my class I thought it was a bit much to take on.  Well, Brian really wanted me to take the class.  I was shocked as he never asks me to do things like that and he knows how much reading I already have to do with my class.  He bought me the book, so how could I say no?  I read the first weeks reading assignment.  I never got past the first page of the forward.  Here is what the forward says, "What if we let go of the baggage of our past, clarified our convictions, and then pursued faithfulness to God, our marriages, and children for the rest of our lives?"   The next paragraph said "God is calling all women to a new season".   The next paragraph said "This resolution for Women with both stir and challenge you.  it will speak to the best part of who you are.  It will remind you of your priceless value and the wonderful, God-honoring reason why you were created."


Are you kidding me???  Do you have any idea how long I have searched for my God-honoring reason why I was created?  Go back and read the part that is in bold print, will you please?  Take it in.  It's powerful.  I have no idea what God has planned for me next and I'm still feeling like that little fawn that is trying out it's new legs, but soon enough I'm going to bound and leap.  I have every intention of courageously discovering my divine purpose in my new season.  I challenge you do do the same.  

Cause and Effect

Alright.  I'm not what you would consider obese, but I have some pounds that would look much better off of my body.  Over the summer I joined Weight Watchers and was successful in losing 10 pounds fairly quickly.  I was in the groove and loving the results.  Then we moved.  For some reason it seemed like the only food in the house for an entire week was bagels and pizza.  It didn't take me long at all to fall right back into my bad habits and extra slices of pizza.  The move was stressful, unpacking was stressful and getting the family settled was stressful.  What calms stress more than ice cream?  Since I'd already blown my good habits out of the water I indulged.  To be honest I indulged over and over again.  Before I knew it I was right back to where I started on the scale.  My clothes don't fit anymore and I'm once again uncomfortable in my skin and my back is starting to hurt.  


This week I started getting back on track again.  I miraculously remembered where the gym was and actually went inside.  I hopped onto an elliptical machine and started huffing and puffing away.  I watched as the numbers of calories burned slowly went up....3......4.......5.  I had some good music on so I listened to some songs and was starting to sweat and was feeling good about my first workout in WAY too long.  After a while I look at the calories burned certain to be impressed with the number.  134 calories burned.  WHAT?  134 calories is one good scoop of Ben & Jerry's peanut butter cup ice cream with a chunk of chocolate!!!!  I confess.  I can down a pint.  I don't even want to know how long I'd have to be on that machine to burn off a pint of ice cream, but I'm certain I would be closing down the place.  Why is it that it is SO easy to eat the calories but it takes so much effort and time and pain to get them back off?  That ice cream tastes so good for how long?  Not long enough in comparison to what it takes to undo what you did.  


All this made me think back on some of the mistakes I've made in my past.  Mistakes that I so wish could have been erased with some time on a treadmill.  I've made a lot of mistakes that were more serious than a few extra Oreos.  We've all made mistakes.  How many mistakes have we made that seemed so insignificant at the time.  A secret we share when we were trusted to keep it.  A few sentences blurted out in a matter of seconds can result in months or even years of trying to gain back the trust of a friend.  We get angry and say things out of the heat of the moment and can spend an incredible amount of time trying to reestablish our character to others.   Seemingly innocent flirting can take one down a slippery slope to an affair and the results are devastating.  Marriages are destroyed every day because of unfaithfulness and the ones that survive are altered to say the least with years and years of building back trust.   Young girls make a poor decision to give themselves away too soon and suffer the heartbreak of the loss of innocence, or in too many cases then have to face a pregnancy much sooner than expected.     


God asks us to follow His rules not for the sake of having rules.  Yes, we are called to be Holy.  We are called to follow the example of Jesus although we will always fall short.  God asks us to do and not do things for our own good.  He wants to keep us from the pain.   Look at the ten commandments.  Do not commit adultery.  Why?  God wants our marriages to be pure.  Unfaithfulness causes way too much pain to way too many people.   You can go down the list of the commandments and all of them are to make us the best we can be.  Going down the wrong road leads to pain, and it's not because God is beating us down for making the wrong decisions, it's because there's this little things called cause and effect.  We reap what we sow.  It's a pretty easy concept.  So many of the difficult things we go through are because of our own actions.  Certainly that is not always true, tragedies occur and sometimes there truly is no rhyme or reason.  


I'm thankful that at this exact moment in my life I'm experiencing the discomfort of extra pounds that are a result of my own poor choices in my diet.  I can easily change that.  It doesn't mean that any pounds will come off easily, but the remedy is simple, though execution may be a challenge.  I'm sure there will be more moments in my life when I'm paying the price for a decision that should have been thought through a little more.  I'm praying, however, that I have learned enough from my past mistakes to steer clear of them in the future.  I'm hoping the same for you.    

Bye bye Ben!!! Adios Jerry!!

Brian and I have a 20 year old living with us for a while.  Her name is Ariel and she is as beautiful as a Disney princess, although I think she resembles Rapunzel a bit more with her really long flowing blond hair.  Like any 20 year old she still has a whole lot of life lessons ahead of her, but she is surprisingly wise for her years.  She will go far once she figures out what directions she's going in.  I enjoy her company and conversation and it's awesome that she's a coffee freak like me; we have savored many a cup together.  The other passion we share is ice cream.  She loves ice cream as much as me and we have savored many a pint together.  There is a problem, however....she's 20 and I'm one day away from being 42.  She sucks down a pint and flits around just as petite as ever while I'm now flopping around the floor like a trout out of water trying to button my jeans.  


Here's the thing.  I'm not 20 anymore.  I can't eat ice cream 3 days week like she can.  I can't eat an entire pizza anymore.  In addition to the food restrictions I now have to adhere to, there are other things I can't do anymore.  I can't stay up until 5:00 am and expect to function the next day.   I can't run 4 miles in a row and have use of my legs.  I can't write a paper for a class starting it the night before it is due and expect to finish it.   I can't decide I want to lose 5 pounds have the goal accomplished in 2 days.  If I want to go home to visit family in New York I can't work an 8 hour day and then head out for a 7 hour road trip and expect to stay awake.   Yes, 22 years later there are many things I can no longer do.  


Am I sad about these things?  Well, admittedly the ice cream is a bummer, and it would be nice to lose 5 or 10 pounds with a little less effort, but if I'm being honest I'm sure dropping a few pounds would be much easier sans the ice cream.  Overall though, the answer to whether or not I'm sad about the things I can't do is a resounding no.


Take a look at what I can do now at 42!!!  I can look in the mirror at my flaws and imperfections and accept them (most days) and not compare myself to a magazine cover.  I can choose my friends wisely and not have to be liked by everyone that crosses my path.  I can hear a criticism and not be crushed by it but rather look inside myself to see if there is truth and be a better person because of it.  I can be in a big girl relationship and not sabotage it out of fear of rejection.  I can be alone and like it.  I don't spend hours doing my best to look beautiful in attempt to get strangers to admire the outside of me.  I consider it a great compliment when someone says something nice about my character instead of a body part.  I'd rather have relationships than "stuff".  I can accept that my body will never look like it once did and be totally okay with it because I get to enjoy the blessing of being able to give birth to two healthy little girls.  I can look back at my childhood and see the things my parents did right and not just the things they did wrong.  I can finally wholeheartedly FORGIVE them for what they were not and just love them for what they were.  The best thing of all that I can do at 42?  I can forgive myself for the things I have done wrong and for what I am not and just love what God has made me to be.   Certainly I don't do all these things perfectly on all days, but I'll take the peace of 42 over the chaos of 20 any day of the week.  I enjoyed my 20's and am thankful for all the experiences that I had because without them I wouldn't have all these "skills" at 42.  


I am learning to  thoroughly enjoy the journey.  I'm learning to respect where I am.  I will continue to enjoy the company of my young friend and pray that our relationship continues to be mutually beneficial.  There is so much we can learn from each other....maybe without the ice cream.   

Walking by Faith

One of the first posts I wrote was about how I was hanging up my appraiser hat and trying on a new one.  I'm still not sure exactly what that other hat is, but I'm confident it's no longer an appraiser one.  I started working in an appraisal office in 1993 and started appraising real estate in 1998.  I took the plunge to start my own business in 2000 and enjoyed a successful business for many years.  It was a very demanding business, but it enabled me to buy my first two homes and live self sufficiently for many years. 


 The decision to give up my business was not a quick one.  There were many things to consider.  There were some advantages to letting it go, but some significant disadvantages too.  With the possibility of some increased travel with Brian's new position we decided that should my business pick up again it would be too much to handle with two little ones and a teenager to get to school events and practices and such.  The decision was made.  I knew that the decision would be met with some skepticism.  I figured some would understand and respect our decision and others would simply disagree with ending a career.   The decision wasn't just about turning away from appraisals, it was about turning toward something I feel strongly that God has for me.  I'm certain that is why the final decision was somewhat easy to accept.  I'm excited to find out what God has planned for me next.  


I was prepared for comments questioning our decision, what I wasn't really prepared for was the questions like "what are you going to do now if you and Brian don't work out?"  Let's be clear, I don't live under a rock.  I know what the divorce rate is in the US and I know that the divorce rate isn't any lower in our churches these days either.  People hurt each other, people give up on each other, people leave each other and divorce does happen.  Does this mean that I was supposed to keep my business running "just in case" I decide marriage to Brian isn't for me, or in case Brian decides marriage to me isn't for him?  I was thinking the other day about what kind of marriage that would be.  A marriage that never left the borders of a safety net.  A marriage without trust where it truly mattered the most.  THAT sounds like a marriage that doesn't stand a chance if you ask me.  


Brian and I would both be honest about our marriage and say that it has not been easy.  We are both amazed at the fact that we actually made it past the first year which was nothing short of a miracle.   We have our struggles and our marriage is far from perfect.  Here's where disillusionment comes in for so many (don't worry it held me for a spell too)....marriage is not perfect.  It was never intended to be perfect.  God put us together to compliment each other and help each other and to help make each other better, not to make each other feel good.  Iron sharpens iron.  Think for a second how that is done....it doesn't happen without some friction.  


I know that there is not one thing on this earth that is forever.   Nothing that you can hold in your hand can be held too tightly.  I'm not going to live in a fantasy world, and I'm not going to live in a "what if" world either.  I made a vow before God to stand faithfully next to the man that I married and that means remaining by his side especially when there is no safety net in sight.  

Losses

A few days ago I wrote a post about my daughter Kerrington.  It was supposed to be a light post about my little toddler, but it ended up going a bit deeper.  I ended up sharing the pain of my two miscarriages on the way to having my two healthy girls.  I didn't go into details, but I shared that there was pain and I was comforted greatly by God during the healing time.  As I reread the post I wondered if anyone may have thought that I glossed over the pain part making it seem as though I just turned to God and I was miraculously on to happier days.  Just in case there is anyone that has recently experienced the trauma of losing a baby or knows someone who has,  I feel the need to elaborate some.  


There is no doubt that in my deepest sorrow I felt great comfort and peace from God.  I felt the arms of Jesus surrounding me and I felt His firm and loving embrace.  I felt that He cried with me.  Did this mean that I cried less tears?  No.  I was heartbroken in a way I didn't know was possible.  I had hoped for a child of my own for years and the second I found out I was pregnant I felt love bursting out of me for these growing cells that were nothing short of a beautiful life to me.  To make matters worse, when I suspected there was a problem I went to the doctor and they checked me over and they found the baby's heartbeat.  I saw it beating and felt incredible relief.  I was told to go home and rest.  I stayed in bed terrified to move afraid that I would put my baby in danger if I moved the wrong way.  I was hopeful that things would be alright, but when I went back to the doctor in a few days my baby was gone.  


This next part may appear unrelated...but please bear with me.  If you have grown up in the church or have attended somewhat frequently, chances are you have heard a preacher say that we tend to view our heavenly Father like we do our earthly father.  If we had a safe and trustworthy father that raised us then likely it will be easier to trust God in the same way.  Over and over you hear of people that grew up with a volatile father or a distant or unreliable father and those people often have difficulty fully trusting that our Heavenly Father will be different.  I don't know if it's true for everyone, but has been true in my life.  I fully trusted my father.  He showed me over and over through the years that he loved me no matter what and that he was a safe haven for me.  He was gentle and reliable and I knew that he always wanted the very best for me.  


When I was in my early twenties I began dating a man that was not good for me.  He was all over the map and kept me on an emotional roller coaster.  He was extremely jealous and had an explosive temper.  Despite these traits I thought I was madly in love.  One day my father and I were talking on the phone and he told me that this man was not right for me.  He told me that he loved me and wanted me to be happy, but that if I chose to continue my relationship with him I was doing it without his blessing.  I knew what I had to do.  Although I felt I was still very much in love I ended the relationship with the man immediately.  I knew in my heart that it had to be difficult for my dad to say those things to me and that if he said that to me then he must have been seeing something that I didn't see.  I trusted my father.  


Back to my miscarriages.  In my darkest moments I trusted my heavenly Father.  I still wondered why, I was still broken, I still sobbed countless tears.  The difference was that I didn't cry alone.  I still felt every bit of the pain and even now as I type this years later I have tears welling up in my eyes.  Trusting God doesn't mean there will be an absence of pain.  Life brings pain.  Life with the Lord means you never go through the pain alone.  I remember when going through my second miscarriage the song "Praise you in the Storm" by Casting Crowns had just come out.  I could not listen to that song without crying.  I remember telling God over and over "I trust you Lord, but I'm hurting and I don't understand."  In time I learned to be at peace with what I didn't understand.  One day I will have the answers I seek and I truly am at rest in that.


One last side note, if you happened to have a friend who tragically goes through the loss of a baby, though well intended, saying things like, "you can try for another", or "it was for the best" is really not helpful.  (I was repeatedly told both of those things)  There really are no words that very helpful in the midst of the pain.  Everyone grieves in their own way.  Some welcome company and hugs, and other may need some space to just be.  Say lots of prayers and comfort as you feel led.  

Training a Child Take Three - Special K

I'm sitting here in our media room above the garage with the window open listening to the rain.  That has nothing to do with what I'm writing...it's just really nice.  At the behest of my daughter Haylee I am here to write about her little sister Kerrington. 

When I was contemplating what to write my initial thoughts first went to describing to you her fiery little personality.  I often call her my little spit-fire and for good reason.  However, as I had a little more time to think I felt the need to go a little further back in order for my Special K to be appreciated for all that she is. 

A bit of history is in order, but no worries, not enough to bore you.  I hope.  Brian and I got married a little later than many, we turned 35 a few months after we got married.  We knew we wanted a child, preferably 2 if that was possible.  All the reading about "high risk" pregnancies after 35 were a bit concerning so we welcomed the possibility of expecting.  We were married in August and I became pregnant in January.  We were so incredibly excited.  I was due around my dad's birthday and thought about how amazing it would be to have a baby on his birthday.  8 weeks into the pregnancy I lost the baby.  I was heartbroken.  Brian was heartbroken.  The loss of a baby is a sadness that is difficult to express in words.  The tears were countless and thankfully the comfort from the Lord was endless.  I don't know how anyone is able to endure such pain without that comfort.  That following October I became pregnant again.  Strangely, I was at peace.  Through the miscarriage I learned that it truly was not in my control.  I could fret and worry, or I could rest peacefully knowing that God knew the desires of my heart it if I was meant to carry this baby I would do just that.  I chose peace.  Though I don't believe any pregnancy is particularly easy, my pregnancy was uneventful.  I loved it.  I love the honor of growing a new life inside of me and never stopped loving those kicks and nudges in my tummy.  On July 9th Brian and I were blessed with our baby girl, Haylee Michelle.

When Haylee was 6 months old I became pregnant again.  The baby was due on my birthday!  How special!!!!  I was so excited to have my children close in age so they could grow up together.  At 12 weeks, 1 day before my second trimester, I lost my birthday baby.  I was heartbroken.  Brian was heartbroken.  I wasn't angry at God, but I certainly didn't understand.  Again I cried countless tears, but this time I had the amazing blessing of Haylee to remind me of all I had.  If Haylee was the only baby I was able to have, then I was still blessed beyond what I deserve.  It's often said that God gives and takes away and I know that is true, but I also know that there are some things that simply happen and God allows them for whatever reason. 
Something was not right with that pregnancy.  I'll never know what it was, but though I still think about my little baby that I never met, I believe that God's timing is perfect even if it is often perplexing.  I also know it my heart that when I get to Heaven I'll be greeted by my two babies that I never met face to face and it will be a beautiful reunion.


A few months later I again became pregnant.  This baby was due on April 11th which is my first nieces birthday.  This pregnancy was tougher since naps were sparse and I had a 25 pound toddler in tow, not to mention I was a few years older!  On February 7th I started to have complications and raced to the emergency room.  I was sent home that night, but was back in the ER the next morning.  I know that modern medicine is capable of miracles these days and having a baby a few months early is somewhat commonplace, but fear ran through me.  My baby wasn't ready to be born.  She would likely spend weeks in the hospital if they had to take her early.  I was scared.   Thankfully everything turned out fine and I was able to carry her to the end.  Kerrington Paige was born on April 3rd. 

I know full well that there are thousands of parents out there that had to endure far more hardships than we did to get to the point of holding their newborn baby.  I'm sure that every single parent would say that every tear was worth it for the joy of holding a new life.  I don't know why I was unable to carry the babies that I lost and I don't really need to know.  I don't know why God chose Brian and I to give the honor of raising this precious life.  That doesn't really matter either.  I'm thankful.  I look at both of my girls knowing that they are precious diamonds that God has entrusted to the care of Brian and I. 

So, there you have it.  That's how Kerrington got here.  In the hospital a few nurses raised an eyebrow at the name we chose.  One nurse stated that "Kerrington" was an awful big name to live up to.  Let me tell you....it's not a problem.  Kerrington was much smaller than Haylee as a baby, but she's like a little chili pepper....she's got a kick.   She is such a joy and so loving....and so independent!  She knows what she wants and doesn't want to do and Haylee will not persuade her otherwise no matter how many tears she cries in protest.  She is almost 2 1/2, so she still likes to be held by mommy A LOT....but she is independent and overall pretty content.   It's hard to tell all the ins and outs of her personality because she is still young, but from what we observe now she seems worlds apart from her sister.  It will be very interesting to see how she blooms in the next few years. 

Try as I might I can't get enough of my girls.  I'm one that needs my alone time, but after a few hours away I miss kissing those little cheeks.  I can't imagine what life would be like without my Special K.  She completes our family. 

I've been out here for a while doing homework and writing this blog.  My babies are in their beds sleeping...and I'm feeling an overwhelming urge to kiss them and put my hand on them and thank God for the priceless gifts I've been given.  I've gotta go. 

Training a Child - take two

I have a great family.  I'm blessed with a husband that loves me like crazy and I'm blessed with a stepson who loves me and I love and I'm blessed with my two little curly girlies.  My family is so supportive of my writing and they really love me to read them my blogs.   LB especially loves it and listens intently to every word as I'm reading...quite impressive for a 16 year old!  It warms my heart that he takes an interest in what I write.  I sure do love that boy.  


Yesterday  I was reading my blog to the family and Haylee loved that it was about her, but she asked me to write about LB and Kerrington.  Here I go.  


This is all about LB.  LB stands for Little Brian.  It's a nickname his mother came up with for him as a baby and it stuck.  Sometimes I look at the handsome strapping almost 17 year old and shake my head thinking about how close I came to possibly missing out on the incredibly blessing that he is to my life.  Big Brian and I met on E-Harmony.   I had been on E-Harmony for a while and it allows you to choose criteria for matching.  On my profile I said that I didn't want to be matched up with anyone divorced and no one with children.   I was 34 years old and I had waited a long time to be with someone and I wanted to be the priority.  I was in a position to make someone number one and I wanted to be number one too.  I was discussing this with my cousin Anya one day.  A tiny bit of background on Anya....she tells it like it is.  What other people think and won't say is exactly what Anya has no problem saying to you.   When I told Anya that someone with a child was not an option for me she told me I was being selfish.  She said that I was great with children and had a lot of love to give and that for me to not share that was selfish.  Well, I had never been called selfish in my life, so clearly she was WRONG in her assessment.   I couldn't stop thinking about what she said to me.  After a few days I was getting a headache from those swirling words echoing in my mind.  Could she possibly be right?  Was I being selfish?  I talked to God about it and said that if there was selfishness in me I wanted to remove it.  I changed my profile and trusted God about it.  I only got one match with a man previously married that had a young son.  I was matched up with a guy named Brian Paap, also affectionately known today as my husband.  


There were times when the "what ifs" threatened to consume me.  What if Brian's ex-wife didn't like me and made our lives miserable.  What if LB didn't like me?  What if he didn't listen to me?  What if he goes through a rebellious stage and I'm powerless to do much about it.  What if he didn't respect me? What if I didn't love him the way I'm supposed to?  What if I'm not patient with him?  What if I'm not a good step-mom?   Admittedly there was some fear and apprehension and for a while I didn't handle it the best way.  Self sabotage was a serious consideration.  I have since learned that any relationship involves risk, and all relationships will disappoint at times.  We are human and sometimes we all do hurtful things.  I'll go out on a limb and say that there is no relationship that doesn't have some moments of pain.  


When Brian and I started dating LB was a puny little blond haired boy with a ton of energy and a crazy need to make ridiculous noises ALL the time!    I have had the privilege of watching this little noise maker grow and learn and struggle and grow some more.  I've watched him as he has struggled to discover who he is and what he likes, what he excels at and what he doesn't.  The best part?  I've watched LB grow into a considerate, gentle, loving, compassionate, funny and happy young man.  He gives the best hugs ever and he's never stingy with them.  He has never been disrespectful to me and though we have our little spats here and there we love each other.  His mother has never been anything but kind to me and has never caused me any problems whatsoever.  I love that she lets me love her son.    I do love him.  He has a section of my heart all to himself and that will never change.  I am honored to be a part of his life and incredibly thankful that my two girls have the best big brother in the world.  


LB is not done exploring who he is.  He'll be 17 soon.  He's just beginning his journey.  He has a mother and a father that love him beyond words and will always be there for him.  He also has a step-monster that loves him and is cheering for him in all he does and will forever be there to pick him up and help dust him off when he falls.   He's fortunate to have so many that love him so much....but I really think we are ones that are blessed most of all.  


I love you Beez!!!

Training a Child

I'll start by saying that this post may be a bit controversial.  Obviously a blog is simply one person sharing their own feelings and/or perspectives on things.  I don't claim to be a Bible scholar, or a psychologist or an authority on any matter.  I am on a journey like we all are and learning along the way and have just chosen to share some of my experiences.  I have no illusion of everyone shaking their head in agreement with me and always welcome comments reflecting a differing perspective. Part of learning is listening and understanding other opinions.  


Anyway.  When I was pregnant with Haylee I had nine months to anticipate her arrival.  When you have a little newborn you have the luxury of being able to dress them exactly the way you want to.  I made it clear at my shower that I didn't want a bunch of princess or diva stuff.  It's just not me and I didn't want to dress her in frilly pink things.  I'm not frilly and I'm not sure I own anything pink. I had this lovely picture of my little Haylee taking Karate classes when she was 3 or 4 and thought it would be great if we could someday even pursue our black belts together!!!   I could dream, right?  


Haylee is now four years old.  She is not in Karate.  She absolutely loves anything pink and frilly. She loves to dance and loves to dress up like a princess.  She loves anything pretty.  She loves Barbie movies.  She loves to comb any one's hair that will let her and she can't get enough of my makeup.  She is all girl.  I wanted to paint her room green...she wanted pink and purple.  She likes to pick out her own clothes and has her own ideas on what she wants to wear.


Two nights ago Haylee crawled into bed with me in the middle of the night.  She loves her mommy and likes to snuggle as close to me as she can.  She also likes to grab my hand and either hold my hand against her head and sleep on my hand or she holds it on her chest and gets upset if I move it.  This night she placed my hand across her chest and I could feel her precious little heart just beating away.  For whatever reason even though I was half asleep I smiled and started thinking about how she was literally a part of me for 9 months and she will always be a part of me, but as I felt her heart beat I was thinking about how she is her own little person.  God has a purpose and plan that is designed specifically for her and her purpose, I'm sure, has very little to do with what I might think she should be.  


I guess this is where it could get a little controversial.  Brian and I of course have an incredible responsibility to train her and teach her.  It's our job to show her what it means to be a kind, compassionate and loving person.  We need to teach her to be respectful of authority, to be hardworking, dependable, faithful and loyal.  We need to teach her to be a responsible young lady and we need to teach her to love herself exactly the way God made her to be.  I do not believe it is my job to make her or push her into being something that I think she should be.  What kind of parent would I be if a pushed her into a Karate class when she has such a love for dancing?  Why would I force her into a gymnastics class if she loves to play soccer?  Haylee is who she is and of course she can't make all of her own decisions, but I strongly believe that as a parent I have a responsibility to respect her likes and dislikes and allow her to express herself when and where it is appropriate.  Every person deserves respect for the individual that they are and there is no age limit on that. 


I have to tell you...I get a LOT of grief over the princess stuff that Haylee loves so much.  I was SO opposed to it when she was a baby and having the big mouth that I do I was more than a little vocal about it.  I have to just take it...I asked for it!  What can you do?  She may look like me, but my little girl is SO different from me in so many ways.   I have to smile as I watch her discovering what she loves and where her talents lie.   When I look at her little face when she puts on a little princess dress and twirls around I can't help but beam.  I also can't help but hope that she always feels the freedom to be exactly who she is and that she twirls unashamed with joy in 10 or 20  or even 40 years just like she does now.  

Going Home Part Two - True Love

Love, love love.  They say love is a mystery, love is blind, love is all you need.  How many songs have been written about it?  How many books are out there claiming to understand it, teaching you how to get it or give it or maybe even how to live without it.  Amazon.com has 252,430 books with the word "love" in the title.  So, if you want some insight you'd better get started on some reading.  There is, however, the cliff note version found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13.  (sidenote...if you're not one to frequent the Bible I'd encourage you to take a look.  The iPhone might have an app for anything you need, but Jesus has a verse for anything you need....and it's all for free)  If you read 1 Corinthians 13 and chew on it, it really is all you need to know about love.  It tells you what it is and what it isn't and there isn't anything confusing about it.  It's surprisingly simple to understand, but not always the easiest to put into practice.  


This post is on the heels of my previous blog, and let me preface it by saying that I am by no means any sort of expert on the subject of love.  I simply had an "AHA" moment that was accompanied by a bit of clarity and I want to share it it hopes that someone else may have a similar "AHA" moment.  


I went home to see my mother last weekend.  I realized that I had been holding some unforgiveness and judgement in my heart in regards to her and I felt the need to see her and just tell her that I love her.  I came to the realization that the history of my relationship with my mother, despite what it was or wasn't, did not change my responsibility to honor her.  Part of giving honor to her was to simply love her where she was without any expectations attached.   (True love is not self seeking)   I drove the 8+ hours to Upstate NY not knowing how I would find her.  My mother is 84 years old and in a nursing home.  She has good days and bad days.   Days where she is sharp as a tack and days where she is rather confused and may not even know who her loved ones are.  Thankfully when I got to the hospital mom was having a good day.  She knew who I was.  She doesn't hear very well, so communication is difficult and at times even impossible.  Not many words needed to be said though.  I rubbed her arm and held her hand and told her she was a good mom.  I thanked her for being a good mom and told her I loved her.  She heard me and I'm certain she felt my heart.  For perhaps the first time I genuinely loved her. She has difficulty talking plainly, but just as clear as a bell she said, "that's good to hear", and then asked me for a kiss.  With those few words I felt a burden lifted off of me that had me chained down for years.  Releasing HER of the judgement brought freedom to ME.  As I held her hand for a few minutes she looked right into my eyes and I felt love.  I knew in that moment that without a doubt my mother loved me with all she had to give, and who was I to say that was not enough.  


I can't tell you how many times I drove home to NY over the years to show my mother how much I loved her in hopes of getting the same in return.  She doesn't show love in the same way I do, so I was left heartbroken and disappointed every time.  Expectations can be brutal to all parties.   I certainly won't dwell on it, but I can't help but wonder how different things could have been had I simply loved her and left it at that.  True love is not selfish.  It's not looking out for itself.  Loving someone expecting something back is not love.  I have so much to learn about so many things, but I'm thankful that I had a nugget of clarity in my "AHA" moment in time to give my mother something she deserved long ago.  True love.




"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record or wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails."  


1 Corinthians 13: 4-8    


"Honor your father and your mother - which is the first commandment with a promise - that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy a long life on the earth."


Ephesians 6:2-3

I'm going home

The other day I started off a blog by saying that I didn't really know what I wanted to write.  Well, today I REALLY don't know what exactly I want to write, but I'm going home and there is a really good reason why, and I'm feeling lead to write about it. 

Last week I began taking a training class for prayer ministry.  What is that?  Well, in a nutshell there is a lot of hurt, pain, unforgiveness, resentment, depression, loneliness  and hardened hearts our there.  We have an all powerful God that is ready, able and willing to heal our hurts and change our lives for the better and if I'm able to help someone turn their heart toward that healing I want to be a part of it.   I knew the class would be intensive and I knew it would bring up things in my own life and that if there were things left undone it would be obvious pretty quickly.  It didn't take long.  There is quite a bit of reading involved in this class and with every chapter I read I was feeling more and more tugging at my heart.  I have unresolved junk.  I could get upset since I have been dealing with the "junk" for years now and goodness, how much junk can one heart hold?  (if you know that answer please don't tell me....I don't really want to know)  I'm not upset though, not in the slightest.  I'm thankful that I'm seeing it so that I can deal with it and be set free from the chains that are still holding me down. 

If you have read my previous posts or if you know me you know I was blessed to have an incredibly dad who loved me and built me up for 27 years.  He was a great guy.  You may also have gathered that I have never really had a close relationship with my mother.  Now that I'm 40.... something  I of course see my childhood in a completely different light.  I am not angry with my mother for what she was unable to give me and I believe she gave all she had to give.  In her defense she was up against my dad who had love pouring out of him constantly.  He never ran dry.

I have been in counseling and I have discussed my relationship with my mother at length and I forgave her for things and I also asked for forgiveness for some of my responses to her over the years.   I had probably judged her, and I asked for forgiveness.  It was done, right? 

Fast forward  a few years.........

I have two little girls of my own.  I hug them and hug them and snuggle them and kiss them and then when I'm done I hug them some more.  Sometimes when I'm hugging Haylee I'm not thinking about how thankful I am that dad showed me so much love, I'm thinking about the hugs that I never got from my mother.  Judgement.  I get frustrated and raise my voice to my girls and my thoughts go to my mother and how I got this from her.  Judgement.   Sometimes I don't want to play my little pony, I want to sit on the couch and read my magazine, just like my mother.  Judgement.  sometimes I just want to be alone and not deal with anyone or anything having to do with the house, just like my mother.  Judgement.   It was done, right?  Wrong. 

I have to go home.  My mother is too old and she wouldn't comprehend a conversation about any of this.  I have no intention of attempting a conversation as that would be more hurtful to her than anything.  I just want to hug her and look her in the eyes and feel the love that I know in my heart is there even without her saying a word.  If I don't find it then she can look into my eyes and see the love that I know is there for her.  I want to hold her hand and pray to God for forgiveness for holding judgement over her and for blaming so many of my shortcomings on her.  I am so sorry. 

My mother had limitations.  I have limitations, and mine have nothing to do with hers.  I'm ready to own up to what is mine.  I'm ready to take back what I've been pushing onto my mother and I'm taking it straight to the cross where it will be gone for good.

I've got lots of love, and I have a mom that could probably use a hug, so I'm going home.

Believing the Lies

Tonight was a difficult night.  Monday is just a full day with some of the extra things we have going on.  We are definitely not ones to over-schedule, and what we have going on is doable.... it just makes for a long day that just keeps going non stop until bedtime.   When I finally got home it was time to get some dinner together for the hungry brood, so I was scrambling to get my gourmet spaghetti dinner in the works.  While I was waiting for the spaghetti to cook I decided to multi-task and make the girls' lunches for the next day.  I got the lunches done just as the spaghetti was about ready...perfect timing!!!  I get the plates out only to realize that I totally forgot to put the garlic bread in the oven and I also forgot about the salad in the fridge.  Big deal right?  To me it was.  I was defeated.  What kind of a mother/wife am I that I can't even boil spaghetti AND put some garlic bread in the oven?  I felt like a failure.  I can't seem to keep the dishes out of the sink, get the clothes into the washer and now I can't even make the easiest meal a success.  I was sinking lower and lower by the second.  A few hours before I was reading a book and it was talking about all we pass on to our children and how most of it is from what they see NOT what they hear us say.  This being fresh in my mind I was quite certain my girls were doomed.  Brian was watching me spiral downward and was more than a little perplexed at my reaction to the events.  Close to tears  I said "do you want to know why I'm so upset?"  I told him about the book I was reading and told him that this is not what I want to pass on to my girls.  He said, "Are you kidding?  Do you really think THIS is what you're giving to them?"  He went on to list all the things that he notices that I do "right" every day without fail.  I have to tell you, he was rather convincing. A few minutes later when he walked by I gave him the biggest hug ever and thanked him for saying what he did.  He really did turn my night around.


Remember the movie "Pretty Woman"?  I don't remember exactly what she said but it was something like the bad things people say about you are so much easier to believe than the good things.  Why is this?  Why was I so ready to believe that I was a complete failure as a wife and a mother because of garlic bread?  What was I so ready to believe that I have doomed my children to lives of inadequacy?  Lies, lies, lies.   In the moments that I was believing this garbage I wasn't the most pleasant.  I was snippy, beyond cranky and ready to snap if you looked at me.  I was miserable.  I was right where the enemy wanted me.  In that state of mind the enemy could have planted all sorts of additional lies in my head and I would have sucked up every single one.   


Philippians 4:7,8 says "And the peace of God , which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."  


It is SO imperative that we guard our thoughts.  So many things both good and bad begin with a tiny little thought.  Whatever we feed is going to grow.  Allowing lies to swirl around in our head is pretty ripe soil and those lies grow so quickly taking on a life of their own in no time flat.   At the same time, what if we WERE to think on the things that we are told to?  The next verse says that if we put these things into practice "...the God of peace will be with you."   This is not the first verse I've seen that refers to God as the "God of peace".  How awesome that we serve a God that knows EXACTLY what we need even before we know our needs.  He knew we'd need peace, so it's there for the asking.  Always.    Good gravy I hope next time I ask.  :)

Giving what you've got

I don't have all my thought put together on this...so bear with me.  I thought writing would help me think through what's going through my head.  


Haylee just turned 4 but she certainly has the drama of a teenager already.  She has an incredibly sweet spirit, but along with being sweet her spirit is also very sensitive.  I fear there will be much heartbreak in her future.  I got a little taste of what the future could very well be like today.   I asked her to go in and get dressed and a few minutes later she asked me to pick out some undies for her.  Mind you...I NEVER pick the right pair.  She wants me to pick, but I have to pick correctly.  I played along anyway and picked a cute pair which she quickly rejected.  I put them back and carefully chose another pair.  She wasn't pleased with that choice either and wasn't very nice about letting me know.  I told her that I didn't like the way she was treating me and that she had to pick her own and I left her room.   She started to cry.  About five minutes later I went past her room and she was still whimpering.  Something told me that this was about more than undies, so I went in and laid down on her bed next to her and I put my arms around her and held her.   She asked "Mama, are you holding me to make me feel better?"  I said "Yes, Haylee, I am."   A minute or so later she says, "Well, it's working a little, but there are still some tears coming out."  I said, "That's alright, I'll hold you until they are all gone."  I continued to hold her and in a few minutes her world was back to right.  Did I do anything amazing?  No.  I just reminded her with my embrace that I love her.  


I grew up with a mother and a father that were very different.  My mother stayed at home with us, she made all our meals, did all of our laundry,and met our basic needs, but she was not very affectionate.  I knew that she loved me, but she was never able to show it in the ways that my father was able.  I think back to my teen years which were pretty painful and lonely and I can't tell you what I have given for my mother to see my hurt and just put her arms around me so that I could feel her love.   My father on the other hand never let a day go by without hugging me and kissing me and telling me that he loved me.  In all honesty I can't recall a day in my childhood that my dad didn't show me his love.  It was the best gift he could have ever given me.  


I am not angry with my mother for not giving me more.  I went through times of anger, but I'm not angry anymore.  I'm sad that my mother didn't learn how to love the way I learned to love.  I'll never know what happened or didn't happen in my mother's life that caused her to be so cautious with her affections, even with her children.  I don't know if it's true....but I believe she would have liked to have been able to give more.  


My father was just a loving man.  He was so likable and happy, and that man loved the Lord with every fiber of his being.  Everyone loved Carl Miller, he was just a guy that you could not help but be drawn to.   This amazing man was the one that showed me what it means to love someone.  He showed me that if you love someone you tell them, and you tell them often.  He showed me that a hug can change a person's day, and that hugs are GOOD.  Dad taught me worlds more than that, but lately I'm seeing that what has been passed on to me is priceless and very precious.  


I posted the other day about a little boy named "George".  Since that post I have been thinking so much about what I have and don't have to give to others.  I never really thought of "loving" as being something to offer someone.  I'm seeing that I was wrong about that.  The ability to love is not something that everyone possesses.  For some it is a very difficult task, for others it is just too risky and it's something they never really learn to do, like my mother.  


I don't know exactly what this means....I do know that I'm working in a daycare center and there are a lot of little souls that could use a smile and a hug....and I'm super-qualified for that job.   There are little ones that have a bad day and just need to be held....I can do that.  There are little ones that fall down and scrape their knee, or bump their head....I have a hug for that too.  


I'm not a perfect mother.  I so wish the little things didn't send me to the moon...but sometimes they do.  I do a lot of things wrong, and really wish a had an extra helping of patience.  However...I'm realizing that what I am able to give my girls is something they will never stop needing.  They will always need my love, and that is something I will never run out of for them.  With all that I do wrong, I can give them what I've got, and that's love.